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The following screen-shot is taken from the online definition at the Merriam-Webster website.

Without empathy, you can’t get to compassion. And without understanding, you can’t get to empathy.

You can be the boss without any of these, but you can’t be a leader.

The formula is pretty straightforward.

Be open and curious to learn because that feeds everything. Without it, you’re destined to get stuck. Growth demands it. Guage how curious and open you are to learn by listening. If that’s a problem, start working to improve that. My best advice is to urge you to consider the high price you’re paying to be the smartest person on the planet. Your ignorance is costing you greater success. If I were sitting down with you I’d be encouraging you to treat yourself better. Take advantage of the collective knowledge of others. Try harder to understand where people are coming from, and why they think the way they do. It doesn’t mean you have to convert, but growth, improvement, and transformation are positive things that will only happen if you commit yourself to learn and understand.

Remember my formula: LUG.

Learning + Understanding = Growth

Since we’re talking about leadership today, it should be obvious by now that you can’t be a leader (at least not an effective one) without growth. Leaders are dedicated to improvement. First, their own. Then, the growth of those around them. Invest in yourself. Make time to learn, understand and grow. Don’t make excuses. Make time.

I choose COMPASSION rather than EMPATHY because of those ideas you heard expressed at the Merriam-Webster website. This isn’t my first rodeo. I understood those differences many years ago. Empathy gets all the press though. Business people can get queasy when people start using words like love and compassion. We shouldn’t though because they’re really important words. They’re important actions!

That’s right, actions. They’re not merely touchy-feely things. I tire of people slamming emotions. “Don’t be so emotional,” they say. And they’re not referring to an emotional meltdown or an outburst. They’re just talking about somebody who expresses feeling something! It’s ridiculous.

Would you rather people felt nothing?

We have terms for that. At best, such people would be described as being apathetic. That is, they’re just filled with apathy. They could care less. It’s an appropriate term I think. Because such behavior is pathetic. A-pathetic.

At worst, we’d describe them as psychopaths. Is that what you want? To be surrounded by a bunch of psychopaths or people filled with apathy. Boy, that sounds like a high performing team, huh?

No, instead companies spend insane amounts of money to measure employee engagement. They spend seemingly less money to do anything about it, which has always baffled me – but that’s likely because the money is in the assessments. “See, here’s how you’re doing.” And we love data. Nevermind that we’re clueless how to make it go up. But I digress.

Employee engagement is largely driven by leaders capable of demonstrating compassion. It means employees don’t feel apathy. They’re not psychopaths. They’re emotionally, mentally and physically engaged in the work they’re doing. They feel something positive about who they are, and what they’re doing.

Compassion’s role is a top-down deal. It’s not bottom-up. That means YOU have to lead the way.

Don’t expect your team members to be engaged, or to exercise compassion with one another (or the customer) if you don’t exercise it first with them. Your organization may experience pockets of it, but it won’t be widespread. And it certainly won’t become the culture of your place. Your organization needs leadership. They need YOU. YOU need to learn, understand and grow your compassion.

It’ll change everything in your world for the better. I guarantee it.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

P.S. Would you consider making an investment in yourself to drastically ramp up your learning, understanding and growth? Then check out ThePeerAdvantage.com. It’s an exclusive peer advantage group designed for just 7 U.S. based small business owners. If you own and operate a company doing $1 to $100 million dollars, then I hope you’ll check it out. We’ll meet twice a month online, using a video conferencing platform – so it’ll be super convenient. Our purpose is singular – GROWTH. We want to grow our businesses, our leadership and our lives. We’ll help each other improve our learning by sharing our experiences, seeing things from various perspectives so we eliminate as many blindspots as possible and we’ll caringly push each other to achieve more than we ever could all alone. Please take a few minutes and check it out, or better yet, just make a jump to complete a short survey so you and I can get on the phone to talk more about it. Go to BulaNetwork.com/apply. You’re not obligated for anything more than a phone conversation with me so we can chat about your business and so I can answer any questions you may have. Trust me, there will be no sales pitch. You’ll either see the high value of this or you won’t. My goal is to simply expose you to the opportunity. You hear me say it constantly, because it’s true: “You’ll figure it out for yourself.”

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Yesterday morning our local sports talk radio station, 1310 The Ticket, had Troy Aikman on. When asked about the competitiveness of the NFL he said the Dallas Cowboys, with the same owner and GM for a few decades now, are puzzling because it’s unclear what they believe. A few years ago it was defense. Then it was the quest for a more explosive offense. Aikman said he believes the consistently top teams in the league have a philosophy, a set of core beliefs from which they won’t deviate. Teams like New England.

In recent weeks I’ve talked to you quite a bit about the importance of beliefs because I know they drive our behavior. What we believe – our core beliefs as Troy termed them – determine the choices we make and the actions we take.

It’s interesting to me the beliefs people hold, which are nothing more than assumptions. It’s like all those click-bait headlines folks read, and think are 100% true. People base their opinions, which morph into beliefs based on such nonsense. And it can be difficult to influence them to believe anything different. Misinformation must come with a little shot of close-mindedness on the backend. 😉

“Nobody does that,” she said.

“Nobody?” I asked.

“Well, I don’t know anybody,” she corrected.

“Do you know everybody?” I smarted off.

“No, of course not,” she replied.

“So you assume because you don’t know anybody who does that, that nobody does that?” I inquired.

You can see how that conversation is likely going to peter out unless the person can find some better logic to deploy. She couldn’t. So the conversation wound down to a halt. Such is the finale of a closed mind. But today it’s not about a closed mind (don’t worry, you know I’ll get around to that). It’s about what core beliefs we’re dedicated to. And yes, they can include (they DO include) our assumptions, whether true or false.

You can wrestle down your core beliefs. I’m not here to tell you what they ought to be. They ought to be whatever you need them to be to achieve high performance in your organization. I am here to share some ideas and stories in hopes of helping you wrestle them down.

One of the big challenges I face in serving business leaders is to push them to think through and properly defend their beliefs. It’s not the most comfortable work, but it’s among the most valuable work for people willing to embrace it.

“Our customers don’t visit our website from their phones.” She believes it. She’d dedicated to it. And it’s hindering her organization. So I challenge it.

“How do you know that?” I ask. After some stammering and stuttering, she tells me, “They just don’t.” See, that’s the kind of logic we deploy when we’re dug in on a belief, especially a false belief. But she clearly believes it.

I’m not trying to change her mind as much as I’m trying to open her mind. Because I know it’ll help her. I know she’ll find an entirely new level of success if she can pry open her closed mind. It’s a challenge I don’t mind, until it grows too frustrating (which happens sometimes). I don’t push water up hills. It’s fruitless work so I refuse to do it.

“Do you care what your customer’s experience would be if they did go to your website using their phone or a tablet?” I ask. She doesn’t know it, but it’s a loaded question because I need to understand her beliefs better. Does she even care about her customers?

“I’m sure it’s fine,” she says. Immediately I know her belief is that she’s always right, never wrong and she honestly doesn’t much care about the customer’s experience. And that’s why her company is stuck and struggling.

“Thank you for the conversation. Have a good day!” (I’m like Flash. I’m gone!) 😀

But I’m sad for her because I’ll give her every benefit by embracing the idea that she really, really believes it doesn’t matter. I’m left to wonder what else she may feel doesn’t matter. What you don’t know are the other parts of the conversation where she clearly displayed resistance to any sort of change (i.e. improvement or growth). Puzzling when the conversation goes from “I need help” to statements that indicate, “I’m good.” Beliefs in action.

Let me leave you with two things to ponder.

First, the limiting beliefs you may hold. Those beliefs that hold you back. Like the ones I’ve just described.

We all have them. Spend some time considering what yours may be. You won’t likely be able to spot them all without deep thought and perhaps some outside help. Somebody to press you with tough, but caring questions.

I know people who believe earning more than $60K a year is super difficult. How do you suppose that belief is going to impact them? Of course! They’re going to struggle to ever achieve it. It’ll hold them back until they can overcome it.

The salesperson approaches the meeting thinking, “They’re never going to buy.” When the meeting doesn’t go well, they conclude, “See, I was right.”

Question what you may be believing that doesn’t work in helping you achieve more. What’s holding you back?

Very few of us think big enough. I admit it. I don’t. And I know why. I’m often too practical and I’m often guilty of minimizing my talents and skills. And experience. I have such strong convictions against pride and arrogance that I have a deep belief that I’m not better than anybody. That can cause me to take a false view of my value. So I have to constantly remind myself that my service to others hinges on my talents, experience and uniqueness. It’s not a matter of being better…it’s about my uniqueness to see things, connect dots and influence people to achieve more. That’s a belief I can get behind (and do).

What about you? What notions or beliefs are slowing you down or holding you back? Be honest with yourself.

Second, the core philosophy of doing business. How you go about doing business and why. These beliefs also contribute largely to determining your destiny.

I’ve described a leader who doesn’t believe a customer’s experience with her company’s website on a mobile device matters. That philosophy drives her decisions to give no credence to the thought that an improved web presence might help her company. Until she changes her beliefs, she’s not about to change her website.

She doesn’t believe she’s wrong. Worse yet, she doesn’t leave any possibility that she even could be. I don’t know for sure, but based on my experience I’d suspect she is surrounded by people she won’t listen to. She knows more than everybody. She’s able to admit a degree of being stuck, but when challenged she hastily retreats to, “I’m fine.” Nothing in her life is going to ever improve because she believes she’s already got it all figured out and under control.

Life long learning is a core belief. You and me and the rest of this crew listening to this podcast, we all believe that. It’s a core philosophy that directs our choices and actions. We know we don’t have all the answers. In fact, we rather pride ourselves in just trying to formulate better questions. Because we believe the quality of our questions determines the quality of our business.

We also believe that curiosity is a super fuel. That’s why we roam about our organizations in search of ways to make things better. Because we’re curious if we do better.

We believe people can improve, starting with ourselves. When others lament, “They’re doing the best they can” we question it because deep down we believe with encouragement and coaching they can do even better.

Your core philosophies of leadership and doing business. What are they? Distill them down.

They serve like true north on your life compass. They keep you from waffling from one idea to another. Always searching for the latest, greatest, hottest, trickest tactic.

Troy Aikman told that radio show that the NFL looks at the spectacular offensive prowess of the Los Angeles Rams and teams will abandon what they’ve been doing in an effort to copy the Rams. They’ll do it because they believe it’ll work, but it’s not a core belief or philosophy. It’s a tactic or strategy they want to copy. It was evident by Troy’s interview that he believes teams should establish an identity based on their core beliefs and commit to them. I believe Troy is right. What do you believe?

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

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Beliefs drive actions. Some choose to believe that when something is working good enough, then it’s alright. Leave it alone. No need to improve it. Others of us (my hand is in the air) choose to believe that everything can be improved. I have an additional belief – it’s way more fun to pursue making it better than it is to sit back and rely on it continuing to work reasonably well. Status quo isn’t fun. Pressing to make things better is!

What do you believe?

The specifics of your business are always changing. Try keeping up with strategies and tactics. Impossible. People will always chase tools. Chasing tools is for fools. Chasing improvement isn’t.

But tools do improve things, you may argue. They can. But not necessarily.

Be careful what you fall in love with. The safe money bets on constant improvement. Sometimes subtle tweaks pay off big. Sometimes big projects backfire costing us thousands. Press for improved results. Don’t get fancy.

Find the speed bumps in your operation.

There are constraints in your business – those roadblocks, or at least those speed bumps that slow things down. Work is slowed down or stopped somewhere in your operation. Start looking for those. Identify them and figure out why it’s happening.

The first rule of business is to fix what ails you. But that’s an improvement. A major improvement.

Ask your people where they’re stuck. Ask them why they’re stuck. “What are we doing that’s a royal pain your butt?”

It can be something as innocuous as people having to enter a customer’s information twice during some transaction. When you call customer service did you ever wonder why the agent needs your name and account or pin number or phone number, then minutes later they need to ask for your phone number again? You know why? Their system is asking for your phone number in two different areas because their leadership is too inept to figure out they need to change that. They need the system to auto-populate the second phone number field with the first input. But nobody is paying attention. So day after day the poor agents are stuck asking customers for their phone number, then minutes later they have to ask for it again. You don’t think that agent is going to memorize your phone number, do you? Hello, speed bump. How are you today?

It may as major as some safety issue that nobody is watching. Until some disaster happens. Don’t wait for that.

Go hunt down these issues and problems. None are too small. Find them all. Don’t stop looking. When you think you’ve found them all, start over again. It’s like cycle counting inventory. You’re never done. Commit to the effort.

You won’t fix them all at once. Vet them. Figure out the ones that absolutely must be fixed pronto. Things like safety, customer experience and others should get top billing. Things like idiotic processes that take longer than necessary can come later. But get to them all. In quick order.

Communicate to the people what you’re doing. And why. Get the dialog opened up and keep it open. Ask better questions as time goes on. People are going to be reserved or whiny. Drill down to get the best intel possible. You need to know exactly what’s broken or not working as well as it should.

Find out where unintended consequences are killing you, too. You think companies are intentionally making their agents ask for your phone number twice in a conversation? No. They’re just not paying attention and somebody made it a necessary field to proceed without realizing it had already been asked and answered.

Stop being stupid.

Aim next at what’s working the very best.

This is counter-intuitive. People want to attack thinks in order from worst to next worst. Tackle everything that’s bad and broken. All that stuff in the middle, leave that for last. It’s ordinary and average. It won’t kill you for it to remain that way for a bit.

What’s remarkable? Look under the hood of that to find out why it’s working so well, and to examine if you can make it even better. A small incremental improvement in superior results is a much bigger needle moved than quantum leaping something that’s average. Go big or go home.

Learning. It’s all about the quest and what you’re learning along the way. As you dive more deeply into those things that are working a pattern will emerge. You’ll notice there are some things you can likely deploy in other areas where things aren’t so spectacular. And by trying to improve those things that are already working well you’ll also display a positive dissatisfaction with the status quo. You’ll begin to create a culture where everybody questions, “Can we make this better?” That’s when the ideas and creativity start to really pop because people know how committed you are to the cause.

It’s also fun to test your skills of improving when you tackle something working really well. And you do figure out a way to improve it. You show yourself and the organization that everything can better.

Mostly, you show people that we can each be better. And that’s the quest. For all of us, individually and collectively to grow, improve and transform.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

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“Next man up” is a commonly used phrase in team sports and the military. A variety of implications are in play. For starters, everybody is replaceable. But more importantly, the success of the team, the unit or the organization hinges on having people ready and capable of filling a space once occupied by a contributor. Otherwise, when one person goes away, or is absent, or leaves — then the gap goes unfilled. It speaks to the “bench depth” or the ability of an organization to have people in various stages of preparation to step up into a higher role. The show must go on!

Today I’m not so interested in how deep your bench is as I am in encouraging you to develop people. Invest in helping people become prepared to take their place and contribute more to the enterprise.

People are interested in contributing. Especially people ambitious enough to work on improving themselves. These are exactly the kind of people you want throughout your operation. If you don’t develop a culture that feeds their ambitions, they’ll go elsewhere. So this matter is important for today, tomorrow and ten years from tomorrow. Your present and future depend on it.

Without understanding your context I can’t possibly know what suggestions to specifically give you, but I can offer some general idea to help you figure it out for yourself.

Seek Understanding.

I’m starting here because it’s so obviously necessary. Too many people have their mind made up completely refusing to be open to having their mind changed. By anything. Including facts. Deeper truth. Or anything else. You know these folks. They’re the smartest people in every room they occupy.

You must understand your roster. Everybody on your roster. If you’re running a small team or a few direct reports, then it’s easy. If you’re directly responsible for dozens, or more, it’s more challenging. Meet the challenge by doing whatever it takes to get to know and understand the individuals on your team. If you don’t, then stop fretting about your bench depth. It’s not going to matter because the star players aren’t going to stay on your roster unless you’re whipping them with money. And good luck replacing them.

Understand what each person wants for their life. Not what you want for them. Not what you need from them.

You’ll be tempted to employ a single strategy with everybody. Don’t. They’re all different. You have to make adjustments based on their individuality. There’s no way to do that until you first know and understand each person.

Shut Up And Listen. Learn.

Your talent pool and the depth of it depends on your leadership. Your leadership depends on how deeply you care about your people. Each and every one of them.

Ask them about their life and what they most want. Then listen. It’s the path to understanding.

Demonstrate how much you care about them reaching their full potential. You want them to succeed. Don’t you? Their success is your success. Stop thinking your heroism is all about you. It’s not. It’s about them. All of them.

I’m preaching this message because your bench depth depends on it. Ignore figuring this out at your peril.

Plan.

Do it. Make one. Keep improving it. Don’t assume you’ve got it figured out once and you’re done. Things change.

Put in the work to plan. Create a plan. Focus on what you’ll do if somebody leaves.

Ask a CEO what she’ll do if her COO walks in this morning and says he’s going to step down.

Ask a business owner what he’ll do if his right-hand man walks in this morning and says he’s turning in his 2-week notice.

Ask a sales manager what he’ll do if his top producer walks in today and tells him he’s found a better opportunity.

Many will admit it would completely wreck their week. Probably wreck quite a few weeks, maybe a few months. They’re not ready for such a thing to happen. Mostly because they don’t think about it, much less plan for it.

Plan for it. All of it. Stop ignoring the possibilities. They may be eventualities.

But…

There’s something else about bench depth and understanding the individual members of your team.

Those scenarios I’ve just described are much less likely to blindside you when you really know and understand your team. You’ll be blindsided when you stop focusing on the people…and making sure they’re happy because they’re achieving their goals. And make sure they understand how important their contributions are.

The key to bench depth is the same key to anything else you accomplish in your operation. Pay attention to it. Make it a priority.

Figure it out. You can do it. I’m encouraging you to put your people first. It’ll pay off more than anything you can do.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

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Not everything can be fixed. Some problems have to be endured. Thankfully, loneliness doesn’t have to fall into that category. I believe it can be fixed. Better yet, I believe it should be fixed. We owe it to ourselves and the people who care about us to avoid falling into the abyss of hopelessness prompted by our loneliness.

Admittedly, there are many forms of loneliness. I’m not here to give you dating advice. I’d be more tempted to give you marriage advice. After 41 years of successful marriage, I’ve learned a thing or three. But it feels arrogant to go there. At least for today. So I won’t. Today I’m focused on professional loneliness. The kind of loneliness we feel when we’re operating our business, or leading our team and we feel all alone in the effort. There is a fix for that. More than one.

Understanding The Context

This is a universal problem with loneliness. Finding and connecting with people who really understand.

Watch and listen. To others. To yourself.

Isolation, even professional isolation, can become an easy habit to maintain. I’m reminded how late last year actor Jim Carrey talked openly about his intentional isolation.

Sometime earlier a quote made the rounds, attributed to Carrey.

“Solitude is dangerous. It’s very addictive. It becomes a habit after you realize how peaceful and calm it is. It’s like you don’t want to deal with people anymore because they drain your energy.”

I tried to find out if he indeed did say or write it. I don’t honestly know, but I remember it got my attention. On a number of levels.

For starters, isolation can be dangerous. It’s not necessarily dangerous. We all need some time alone. Introverts need more of it than others. I know because I am one. I’m that rare personality that is introverted, but I appear extroverted. For me, it’s about energy. I have to intentionally withdraw and embrace some isolation in order to recharge myself. It’s not long-term sustained isolation though. And I know when it’s coming, or when I need to do it. That’s because too much interaction with too many people drains me emotionally and mentally. And physically.

For some, isolation may be more dangerous than for others. So it goes with the addictive nature of isolation. I’m sure for some of us this quote is true, but I know other people who would find it nearly impossible to enjoy isolation, much less to become addicted to it. One size won’t fit all. Which is why you constantly hear me admonish you, “You’ll figure it out.” As always, I’m here to help, but in the end…each of us must make up our own mind, and determine to do whatever it is we think is best.

For me, isolation can be peaceful and calm, but it can also – depending on what’s happening with me – be chaotic and filled with anxiety. It depends.

So here’s the deal. YOU have to understand YOU. And that may be the toughest order of the day. Self-awareness is very, very hard for most of us. We have a view of ourselves, but it may be inaccurate. Even grossly inaccurate. The best way to know the truth is to get various outside perspectives. How do others see us? It’s all part of unearthing the context necessary to understand ourselves better.

Loneliness isn’t determined by a majority vote though. We alone determine it. We feel how we feel.

Loneliness isn’t determined by the presence or absence of people either. We can be in a crowded room and be very lonely. We can be married and sleeping right next to our spouse, and feel isolated and lonely. Perhaps there no deeper loneliness than the loneliness of being a foot away from others, but feeling isolated and alone.

Doing Something About It

Recognition is paramount. You already know the truth. Now it’s time to come to grips with the reality of it. The depth of it.

We’re all lonely now and again. It’s normal. But is your loneliness chronic? Does it sweep over you and settle in for days at a time? Perhaps weeks? Months?

Professionally, based on my decades of leadership experience and my years coaching other leaders (or emerging leaders), fear is a major driver. We can easily underestimate the value of fear. Or I should say, the consequences of fear.

We’re afraid people will think we’re weak. Or that we don’t know something. Like what to do.

Ready to hear some irony? I’ll bet you proudly acknowledge that you’re not the smartest person in the room. You likely have no problem telling people that.

But here you are, driven to isolation by your own fear to demonstrate that to people. Meaning, you really do think you’re the smartest person in the room and it’s more important for you to continue fronting that, than it is for you to learn, understand and grow. Is that right?

See what I mean? Fear isn’t always rational. For any of us.

Self-doubt is real, too.

Voices in our head often grow louder and louder. While we get lonelier and lonelier.

I’ve got a 3-year-old grandson. He’s just about fearless. Over a year ago I nicknamed him Road Rash Roy because he’s so fearless he always had some minor scrapes. I know he’ll begin to doubt himself over time. Part of that will be wisdom he’ll learn. Discerning dangers is invaluable. The problem is seeing danger where none exists. Or seeing risk where it doesn’t really exist.

What if you could approach life like an adventurous 3-year-old? He’s confident. Gets lots of attention. Gets lots of encouragement. Okay, it helps that he’s pretty cute. 😉

Road Rash Roy is not lonely. He’s okay playing by himself, even though he’s the youngest of three. But he doesn’t lack much of anything. I’m pretty focused on doing my part to help him keep that momentum going.

I get that we’re not able to go back in time and become an adventurous 3-year-old filled with confidence and curiosity. If we could, we’d be unstoppable. But we’re quite stoppable…and yet nothing has changed except the noise we’ve bought into from all the naysayers who surround us. The voices which have been placed in our head and which we’ve let gain volume. They defeat us. Road Rash Roy didn’t have any of those 18 months ago. He’s got low-level noise in his head now. You can see it in how he behaves. And it’s mostly good. But not always. It’s manifested in timidity.

All this affects us and our loneliness. I know that “Roy” will battle the same things we all do because he’s living in the same world we are. He’ll be influenced by the idiots who surround him, the naysayers and doubters. All those folks who will judge his every move. But I’m optimistic. He’ll also be influenced by those of us who are wise. I’m battling hard to make sure he embraces the wisdom that surrounds him.

What does all that have to do with you fixing your loneliness epidemic? Courage. Just courage. Which is everything.

Courage to connect.Courage to communicate. Courage to collaborate.

I’m a guitar nerd of sorts, which is really super crazy because I don’t play. I’ve always wanted to, but evidently not enough to devote myself to it. And I’ve owned a guitar – that’s right, one at a time – for a long time. I’m 8 feet away from one right now, sitting over there in a nice hardshell case. I know way more about guitars than any non-guitarist should. Well, the other night I’m watching a YouTube video on a new guitar produced by Fender. The short video tells the remarkable story of guys who love guitars connecting, communicating and collaborating to create a guitar that’s never existed. Until now. Until they came together to build magic.

Maybe your loneliness isn’t epidemic. Maybe it’s off and on. But I can guarantee it’s problematic because when it’s on – when you’re most alone – it’s damaging. It’s holding you back. Sticking you. Eroding what could have been. Maybe even what should have been.

Greatness is the result of collaboration. I intentionally put two other C’s in front of it because without them you can’t get to collaboration.

Connect. Communicate.

All three C words are verbs. Action words. And that’s how you fix your loneliness epidemic. You take action. Meaningful, purposeful and intentional action.

All of these are preceded by that other C word I used. Courage. Without it, the others can’t happen.

The dictionary defines courage as “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.”

Some think courage is fearlessness. I don’t believe that. Rather, I believe courage is the willingness to venture on in spite of fear. It’s the drive to do the thing, even though you’re afraid. Because the need is so great. Or because the desire is so strong.

It’s the ability to act like a confident 3-year-old. To move. Quickly. Toward what you most want. Without concern.

I know the next dilemma. Who? With whom do I connect? That’s for you to figure out. Look around at the possibilities. Aim at making a connection and give it a go. If it fails, then it wasn’t meant to be. Move on and try again. Road Rash Roy tries lots of things. He doesn’t succeed at first at all of them. Sometimes he does, and that fuels his confidence to try something else. Follow his lead.

Be purposeful and intentional.

Communicate. Share whatever you want to share. Offer whatever you’d like to offer. If you’ve connected with the right somebody, it’ll resonate with them. They’ll be empathetic. Helpful.

Collaborate. That doesn’t mean you do business together necessarily. It just means it’s a mutually beneficial relationship. You give something to them of value, too.

I know how hard this is, which is why I’m launching The Peer Advantage by Bula Network, an intentional place where 7 entrepreneurs can come together online, using a video conferencing platform, to get to know each other, help each other, and grow great together and individually. Because they’re courageous enough to connect, communicate and collaborate. Because they’re curious enough to want to achieve more. In their business and their life. That’s somewhat easier to do when you all know THAT is why you’re there. And when you know everybody in the room is in a very similar position. It provides the common context we need for safety, security, and growth. Road Rash Roy feels safe. It’s largely why he’s got the courage he does. Here he was over a year ago! Proof that I’m not just telling you some story. 😉

If you’re a US-based entrepreneur ready to grow your business, your leadership and your life, then visit ThePeerAdvantage.com. I’d like you to join. I’ll be forming 2 groups of seven and you can read all the details at that web address.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

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Confession: I’m really tired of hearing people bally-hoo happiness. “I wanna be happy. Don’t you wanna be happy?”

Don’t get me wrong. Yes, we all want to be happy. But happiness is such a short-term objective. Nobody is happy all the time. Happiness isn’t even appropriate all the time.

The quest for happiness presupposes that it’s a higher value than any other feeling or emotion. It’s not. We need it, but we don’t need it all the time any more than we need sadness, or laughter all the time.

I begin talking about this because almost daily I encounter people lamenting how unhappy they are. They incorrectly think happiness is the goal and their failure to achieve it makes them miserable. More miserable than they might have otherwise been if they’d been reaching for something more appropriate. The result? Disappointment and in many cases, increased loneliness.

Social media, smartphones, and the Internet are part of a grand irony – we’ve never been more connected to more people more hours of a day, but many of us have never been so lonely!

I bring up happiness because it’s such a culturally imposed pursuit – be happy – that we’ve collectively fallen for it. We think it’s a worthwhile pursuit. Maybe THE pursuit we should be aiming for.

People chase it. The other day I was reading about how people are buying clothing from online retailers and returning it. Turns out, many people are buying clothes they can’t afford, putting them on, taking photos for their Instagram, then returning the clothes.

Hypocrisy. Fronting. Faking it.

What makes us happiest and content in life? Is it stuff like clothing or fancy cars or big houses? Nope. Is it more followers on Instagram? Or more listeners to our podcast? Or more subscribers to our YouTube channel? Nope. Nope. Nope.

Surveys overwhelmingly show that friends and family are the real prizes. Even though our need to connect is hardwired, some of us are always alone. Conversely, some people who are surrounded by others, still experience deep and pervasive loneliness.

So what are we doing? We’re faking happiness and it’s making us more deeply dissatisfied and unhappy!

Entrepreneurship is being held up as the end all, be all. It’s the path to happiness. Quit that 9 to 5. Ditch that job career. Start your own thing. You don’t have a side hustle? You’re a moron, a loser. Entrepreneurship is about spending 90% of your time working, chasing, pursuing, hustling. Sleep 4 hours or less, then work, work, work. It’s what all the cool kids do. Don’t you wanna be cool? Don’t you wanna be able to call yourself an “entrepreneur?” What’s wrong with you?

Then, there’s YOU. And me! People out here doing real stuff. Every day. People churning out the work, making payroll, managing inventories or manufacturing, managing budgets, putting out fires, building cultures that will perform at the highest level we can possibly influence. Some days we eat the bear, and some days the bear eats us.

We’re surrounded by employees, suppliers, stragegic partners, customers, and prospects. But we’re very lonely. Often feeling like we’re serving everybody, but nobody is serving us.

Sometimes we feel guilty because we feel that way. So we power through it. But it’s still there.

The loneliness.

I saw that posted online this past weekend. I laughed, but the more I thought about it the more I realized how true it is. And I don’t mean the $5 million part. Sure, that’d be nice, but the encouragement would be terrific, wouldn’t it?

About a year ago I developed a fascination with ENCOURAGEMENT. It directly speaks to the power of loneliness.

I’d ask people about a time when they were really encouraged. I noticed something. People would always harken back to some encouragement they received long ago. Nobody – and I mean NOBODY – would mention encouragement that was recent. I wouldn’t say anything. I’d just listen and drill deeper on occasion, trying hard to understand why that particular act by somebody had impacted them so heavily.

As I’d listen to people recount the story of a time when they were most encouraged I’d see it in their eyes. A yearning to have that experience again. A craving. A strong desire to not be so alone. A strong desire to have somebody recognize the difficulties of their life and somebody to express belief in their ability to endure it, or overcome it. Perhaps an even stronger desire to have somebody do for them what they remember being done years ago – somebody who cared enough to go the extra measure. To challenge them in the most positive way.

From Psychology Today –

Not surprisingly, feelings of isolation can have a serious detrimental effect on one’s mental and physical health. Loneliness can be a contributing factor to heart disease, Type 2 diabetes, arthritis, among other critical diseases. Lonely people are also twice as likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease. At the root, isolation compromises immunity increases the production of stress hormones, is harmful to sleep, and impacts cognitive abilities. All of this feeds chronic inflammation, which lowers immunity to the degree that lonely people even suffer more from the common cold. Loneliness can be a chronic stress condition that ages the body and causes great damage to overall well-being.

There are many prices paid by our loneliness, compelling reasons to conquer it. But I’m focused on it for two main reasons. One, because of the total negative impact it has on your life and every part of your life, including your business. Two, because you’ll never be able to grow as great as you could – never be able to grow your business as great as it could be – if you’re lonely. Coupled with that, you’ll never climb higher by yourself as you can with some help. But I also think of the people whose lives can be enhanced by your also helping them overcome their loneliness! And people whose lives will be better if you’ll just let them serve you.

The intrinsic benefits to all of us are immeasurable. To know we have others who care enough about us to help us, to know we have others who trust us enough to let us help them – can you put a price tag on that? I can’t. I can’t properly calculate the value of that any more than I can calculate the value of my wife or my family. Can you?

The challenge is how to fix it. We’ll talk about that tomorrow. For now, I’d like to give you a virtual hug and encourage you to make up your mind to open up yourself – to helping others and letting them help you. To join forces in fixing the loneliness epidemic by finding and implementing a remedy so you can avoid remaining part of it.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!