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As much as I love the anonymous quote — “Everything is hard until it’s easy” — there’s a powerful way to move forward toward an accomplishment.

Make it so easy you can’t avoid doing it.

There’s lots of ancient wisdom about tackling a task by breaking it down into smaller tasks. Hence the idea expressed as a question.

Do you know how you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time. 

As simple as it sounds, I started wondering why we don’t do this as well as we could. You’d think such a tactic would prevent feeling overwhelmed. Then why are so many people overwhelmed as they march toward some goal?

There are likely many reasons. Having a cluttered mind. Over-thinking.

Then, there’s not thinking it through enough to break it down into smaller achievements.

It’s easy for us to do one or the other. Or both.

Fixating On The Big Goal, Is That The Way To Go?

People love talking about Big Hairy Audacious Goals (BHAGs). We’re shamed if we don’t have one. Or a bunch of them.

People want to do something great. Something BIG.

Question: What was the last BIG thing you accomplished?

I would hope that daily you’re able to accomplish some meaningful things. But it’s very likely none of those things fit the bill for being something really BIG.

Except for heroic acts during a crisis, most BIG things aren’t accomplished in a short period of time. Even feats of championship athletics contain thousands of hours or days before the accomplishment. In business (or school or a career) the big accomplishments of our time mostly don’t have some moment that defines the outcome. That is, rarely are we able to point to a specific moment and point to it as THE MOMENT when we accomplished our big, hairy audacious goal. More likely we crept toward it a little bit at a time, even if we didn’t plan it that way. It’s just how things go.

Taking More Time Than Necessary Because We Get In Our Own Way

Pogo was right. We have met the enemy and he is us.

Martin looks back now and realizes it took him years longer than necessary. With the history behind him, he’s able to see things more clearly.

“I could have easily shaved off half the time it took. Probably a lot more. All because I found it daunting. And I hated every minute of it.”

Martin was trying desperately to get a new enterprise off the ground. It was a period of career transition, but it wasn’t like he was going from one area to a completely different area. If you were to examine his resume you’d think, “Yeah, this makes complete sense. No problem.” But it was a problem. A big problem. Martin struggled to get traction. Not because he lacked expertise. Not because he wasn’t smart enough. Not because he wasn’t hard-working. Truth is, Martin didn’t have any really good excuses. In his mind, they were REASONS. Not excuses!

“Every day I woke up dreading the work. I hated every minute of it. No wonder I didn’t succeed,” says Martin.

At some point, Martin got so sick and tired of being sick and tired that he decided to take a close look in the mirror. “I had to figure out why I was struggling,” Martin said.

Martin had heard me – and others – talk about being who you really are. Martin said, “I heard you say, “If you’re not a fish, stop trying to climb trees.” That’s not original.

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” That quote isn’t really a quote from anybody even though it’s attributed to Albert Einstein, who never did say or write it. You can go back to the 1800s and find references of animals born with specific skills, but unable to do other things beyond their innate abilities.

Martin put in the work to figure out who and what he was. Turns out he was doing what I regularly admonish people to stop doing – pushing water up a hill. That is, he was doing everything the hard way. In a way that wasn’t congruent with who he was. In short, he wasn’t leveraging his skills and resources. He was trying to climb a tree because he had convinced himself that climbing a tree was necessary to achieve his goals. The problem is, he was a fish. And fish can’t climb trees. It doesn’t matter how much time you give them.

Martin got up every day trying as hard as he could to climb trees. The failure nearly crippled him. He spent more hours than he can calculate berating himself. Talking to himself about how stupid he was. And how his plan would never happen.

“Then something clicked,” confesses Martin. “I realized it was time to stop doing what I’d been doing…because it wasn’t working. It was apparent to me that it would never work. Not my idea, but my methods. So I completely stopped doing what I’d been doing.”

Martin put in the hard work of figuring how what’s easy for him. Not that it’s easy as in it requires no effort, but easy in the sense that he could wake up each morning knowing he’d be doing work that he was ideally suited to do. He discovered the power of forming daily habits were so easy and comfortable – he couldn’t avoid doing them. They fit him so well he could easily perform the tasks that would eventually move him forward.

Martin reflects back on it all. “People talk about getting out of your comfort zone and I know there’s value in that in a certain context. But in another context, it’s dangerous and destructive. I was uncomfortable every day and working hard to push through it. I just never could.”

Stop Doing The Things That Don’t Work

Business is about leverage resources. It’s about deciding where we’re going to put our resources so we can maximize the return. Why then are you working feverishly in ways that aren’t bringing about the results you want? Talking yourself into it daily won’t work. Congrats for putting in the work, but you’re wasting your resources. Most of all, you’re wasting time!

Step 1 – Stop!

Stopping isn’t the same as quitting. Martin didn’t quit, but he did stop. He stopped doing the things he wasn’t good at – things he hated. Things that prevented him from gaining traction. Figure out what isn’t working and stop doing it. Don’t abandon your goal. You just need to figure out a better way. A way more congruent with who and what you are.

Step 2 – Accurately Identify Yourself

Are you a fish? A bird? What kind of creature are you? Figure out your natural identity.

I’m naturally introverted, but I can look like an extrovert. I’m not socially awkward, but going to events and putting myself out there in person isn’t easy. I can do it, but it’s exhausting. More so when it comes to marketing and sales. Performing the work is all about helping people. I can be with people all day long serving them and it charges my batteries. But I can be around people or engaged on the phone with people in marketing or sales efforts and it’s exhausting. Providing value is easy for me. Creating content and telling stories that might inspire and help people…that’s easy. So that’s what I do.

My son is just the opposite. When he started his business I didn’t encourage him to do what I do. Rather, I encouraged him to do just the opposite because it’s congruent with who and what he is.

Identify yourself. There’s no point in trying to rush forward until you answer this because this will determine the best actions you can take.

Step 3 – Figure Out The Actions That Are Easy For You

Creating and sharing content is easy for me. I love it. I’d do it no matter what. I don’t do it expecting to sell you anything. I do it in hopes it helps you. Along the way, I’m providing people the opportunity to better understand who I am and what I do. Sure, I hope I bring enough value that some – a very small percentage of my audience – will consider hiring me to serve to them. Some do. Some don’t. But the point is that I’m able to do this because it’s so easy for me – that doesn’t mean I don’t have to work hard – that I can’t avoid doing it. I don’t look for excuses to avoid doing it because I love doing it. That’s very different than getting up dreading to do something you THINK will move you forward.

Step 4 – Start Doing What You’re Good At (and what comes more easily to you)

Take those natural talents and start using them. Lean hard into the things you love doing. Do them with greater vigor and enthusiasm. When you remove as much of that dread as possible you’ll find higher excitement. That’s contagious. Lean into it and be even more excited. Do what’s natural for YOU.

Step 5 – Keep Doing It (it’ll work)

Be patient. Don’t expect overnight success. But expect to succeed. Keep doing the work because it’s what you do best. And it’s what you love.

That doesn’t mean you can’t adjust. I’ve adjusted things around here a lot. But the overall work has remained the same. I’m still working hard to provide real-world leadership stories and lessons to help you in your business and life. The basic foundation of what I do here has never changed. It’s still about creating the most meaningful content I can to encourage you to push forward. Growing great isn’t just some catchphrase. It’s an honest objective I have for everybody. It’s what I expect for YOU.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

Randy

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Look around. At your friends. At the people who surround you. The people with whom you interact the most. These people who influence your life. These people with whom you spend much or most of your time.

Echoing the law of averages, motivational speaker Jim Rohn said that we’re the average of our 5 closest friends. It’s also been said that if you show somebody your closest friends they’ll be able to show you your future.

Humans are more complex than that. It’s not so cut and dried. It’s not a certainty either.

Associations matter. The compelling proof is found in all of our lives.

We raise our children to make friends with good kids, not troublemakers. When they become teenagers we want them to guard their hearts so they don’t fall in with “the wrong crowd.”

1 Corinthians 15:33 “Be not deceived: Evil companionships corrupt good morals.”

We’re deceived if we disbelieve it. We can’t be closely associated with people expecting they’ll have no impact or influence on us. Especially the people who don’t want our best.

Jordan B. Peterson noted intellectual, included rule number 3 in his book, 12 Rules For Life: An Antidote To Chaos —“Make friends with people who want the best for you.”

Writes Peterson, “Friendship is a reciprocal arrangement…you should choose people who want things to be better, not worse.”

Of course, the challenge is knowing what’s better. And what’s worse. That can be our first deception – not knowing the difference.

Peterson continues…

“If you surround yourself with people who support your upward aim, they will not tolerate your cynicism and destructiveness. They will instead encourage you when you do good for yourself and others and punish you carefully when you do not.”

Upward aim. Growth. Improvement.

Destructiveness. Damage. Ruin. Loss.

Good.

Bad.

First, we must decide what we want. It’s unlikely – if not impossible – that anything will be improved until we first make up our minds that THAT is what we want.

Good doesn’t just happen. We have to seek it. Crave it deeply enough that we commit to it.

Bad does just happen. It’s easy requiring only self-centeredness. Selfishness. Disregard for others.

Bad habits occur when we just stop paying attention and do nothing. Not so with good habits. They demand higher intentions and dedicated effort. It’s the difference in building something or in letting entropy happen. Nobody is earning a degree in Entropy, but there are degrees in Architecture.

Have you decided to grow, improve and aim higher?

Good. Then you’re ready to not only help yourself but others. Look for people who want the best for themselves and others, too. People who have made up their minds just as you have. That common bond is where it has to start.

Sounds good, but is it real? Not always. Plenty of folks are able to talk a big game. Actions show you reality.

Gauge people by how they behave and the choices they make. You’ll quickly learn who wants their best and your best, too. Just remember, they’re paying attention to you, too. Judging you with the same judgment. So be sure you’ve made up your mind that you want to aim higher for yourself AND others. Behave accordingly.

After you’ve made up your mind subtraction is likely necessary. You have people in your life who aren’t that interested in your best. They may not even be interested in their own improvement or growth, except financially. You’re looking for people who value other things more highly than money or financial success. Personal and professional growth may include financial success, but friends who want your best and who want the best for themselves (and others) don’t think so shallowly.

You likely have some people in your life who are in trouble. People not doing well. I’m not talking about people in poor health or some other circumstance that isn’t the result of bad behavior. I’m talking about people of whom you must ask (as Dr. Peterson says in his book), “Why are they in trouble?” This isn’t a judgmental thing, but it is a discernment thing. The drug addict has his reasons, but mostly they’re excuses. He’s in trouble because of a string of poor choices and bad behavior. Your response to him is up to you. That’s an extreme. Your life is likely full of people where it’s more difficult.

How are you going to measure the value of others helping you take a higher aim for yourself and the others in your life?

That’s for you to decide. You have to think about it. Soberly. Carefully.

Get to the heart of your relationship. You’ll find sometimes the relationships seem quite one-sided. Make sure you’re seeing it as it truly is and not with some self-centered bias.

I’m very prone to help others. Before you think I’m being all high and noble let me explain. Advising, counseling and helping people figure it out gives me some very intrinsic rewards. I go searching for such opportunities without any expectations.

In time my behavior drives up the expectations of some. They grow to expect me to continue to jump because it’s what I’ve chosen to do. That’s entirely on me. Nobody has ever pointed a gun at me and threatened me to do something for them. I doubt they ever will. Of my own free will I’ve chosen to do whatever it is I have done for people.

There comes a time when I must weigh the value proposition. Quite often the value proposition stops working for me because gratitude breaks down while expectations soar. So I’ve tried to learn something that has never come easily for me – asking for and accepting help from others. It’s become my barometer as I’ve learned how to remedy my previous failings. That is, changing my behavior so I don’t corrupt what might otherwise have been a more profitable reciprocal relationship.

I’m only sharing what works for me. You have to decide for yourself what works for you. My barometer is pretty simple these days. Two factors. The first is gratitude. When gratitude is absent or slipping, I’m out. The second factor is my asking for help but only after repeated consistent help I’ve given. When it’s not readily extended, I’m out.

Those are 2 easy barometers I’ve chosen to make my own decisions about who wants my best and the best for others, including me. My experiences have taught me that people who lack gratitude aren’t people who can help me with my own upward aim. My experiences have also taught me that people for whom I’ve given consistent help – if they’re unwilling or reluctant to help me when I clearly state my request, then they’re never going to notice the times I may need help, but am unable to ask.

You can’t add value until you subtract those things that diminish it. That’s why subtraction is first necessary. Stop the hurting before you start the healing.

I employ those same 2 barometers for adding people. It takes time. It’s not nearly as easy as subtracting. For many, the hard part of subtracting is deciding then executing. Loyalty, family, friendship – there are lots of things that can get in the way. I get it. Professionally it’s easier. Personally, it can be ridiculously hard.

Finding people who truly are taking an upward aim – people seeking to do good for themselves and others – isn’t an easy task. You can find people willing to say that’s their aim, but finding people really putting in the work…much harder.

Why do you think it should be easier? Accomplishment, achievement, and success aren’t easy. The people driven by such things are rare. Not because of any innate lack, but because most don’t have the resolve, determination or willingness to sacrifice.

The tough going is when I’ve most seen my 2 barometers come to life. When a person’s drive is really tested, that’s when the truth emerges. About ourselves. And others.

All of my subtractions have happened during such times because that’s when I was able to see clearly the impact others were having on my life – and how my impact was no longer really serving to help them become better. It rubs both ways. Remember, it’s reciprocal.

Let me wrap this up with some action items that might help you take a higher upward aim.

Step 1 – Look in the mirror.

You may not see yourself clearly this way, but you have to start with self-examination. Don’t focus on anybody else. Or anything else. Just take square aim at YOU.

Gauge your aim. Is it really upward or is it inward? Selfishness is a hard thing to overcome. Make sure you’re not being selfish in what you want.

Step 2 – Make up your mind.

Upward aim. Growth. Improvement. Doing well. Make up your mind that those are the things you’re seeking. Remember, they all have a cost. And it’s not a cost most are willing to make. It demands the heart of a builder – a person committed to their own life architecture. And to help others architect their own improved lives, too.

Step 3 – Prove it.

Now put in the work. Don’t just talk the talk.

Step 4 – While you’re proving it, find others who are also proving it.

Here’s the trick. Finding people who are proving it is harder than finding people who make the claim. But you know how easy it is to make the claim yourself. That’s why step 3 precedes step 4. You have to get busy proving it yourself before you can accurately gauge others who are also proving it.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

Randy

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 17:05 — 23.6MB)

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Happy Valentine’s Day.

I know. An odd thing for business. But not really.

All business is comprised of both head and heart. Well, to be fair and accurate — it’s all head stuff. Brain stuff. That’s where all the heart stuff happens. We tend to think of it in more simplistic terms though. Head is logic. Heart is emotion. It’s not that simple though. Or that binary.

Leadership gaps are often the result of heart stuff. Human relationship stuff. Feelings. Emotions. They can help us make fast progress. Or they can stymie us like quicksand.

So on Valentine’s Day 2020 it feels right – that’s right, it FEELS right – to focus on heart stuff in our work lives.

CEOs need a big heart. So do all top-level leaders. Because without it service doesn’t exist and value isn’t delivered.

Ego and pride can be the most destructive powers against effective leadership. We can believe we’re more important than we really are. Self-importance kicks in and suddenly we discount others around us. Their opinions aren’t nearly as sharp as ours. Their experiences are less relevant. Their ideas are often foolish. Or so we think. All because we’ve inflated our own value and lessened the value of everybody around us. It’s a heart problem that can kill our career (and our organization) every bit as much as a physical heart attack can kill us.

Insecurity. That’s often the culprit of our heart problems. How else might you explain a CEO or top-level leader diminishing others who provide no threat to their position or authority? The urge to be the smartest person in the room can be extraordinarily high in people who hold high positions. Nevermind that nobody in the room presents any kind of clear and present danger to their authority. Nevermind that by opening themselves up to the opinions, insights and experiences of others their leadership “power” could be dramatically enhanced.

The heart frequently experiences fear. And that’s what’s going on here. Fear. Fear of losing the position. Fear of failing. Fear of not being the smartest person. Fear of looking bad. Fear of not being the person who comes up with the answer. Fear of not knowing the answer before anybody else. Fear run amock.

Fear crushes the heart potential of many would-be-exceptional leaders. They don’t know how to manage their fear in productive ways to prevent them from getting in their own – and everybody else’s – way.

This is why I talk so much about compassion. While others enjoy focusing on empathy, compassion is the traction that makes empathy go. Say you have empathy and I have no way to know until or unless I see your compassion. That’s deeply heart stuff. It’s also the stuff of extremely high performing individuals, groups and teams.

Forty-plus years of business experience has taught me that the victories don’t go to the brightest, most educated, most technically savvy, most talented or even the hardest working. No, the victories go to the groups or teams that can leverage the power of the room. Groups and teams led by a leader intent on making everybody in the room better.

It’s not some ego-less leader, but rather it’s a heart-led leader who understands that the people have roadblocks, speedbumps and other obstacles that only he or she can remove because only they have the authority to help the team go faster! How much faster depends on the leader’s willingness to rely on others. The more dependent they are on others, the faster it can all go. That’s how powerful the heart is in business.

Let me leave you with some questions.

What are you afraid of? Why are you so unwilling to listen – carefully listen – to people in your organization or to customers or to suppliers or anybody else who might be able to provide some insights?

Why are you threatened by their input? What do you think they may rob you of?

Today is Friday and it’s Valentine’s Day. People are looking into their hearts for all sort of romantic reasons. And that’s a good thing. But spend some time looking into your heart for reasons that may be dramatically impacting your career — or your leadership.

Dig deep. Look hard at why you’re doing what you’re doing. And why you’re failing to do other things that might benefit you, your team and your organization.

The tagline of the podcast isn’t merely a clever tagline. It’s the truth.

Helping Leaders Make Better Decisions Faster | Helping People Leverage The Power Of Others

Business is all about leverage. We work very hard to gain some leverage. To build momentum. Not in a manipulative way, but in a way that gives us a competitive advantage. We want to win in the market. Winning isn’t easy. It demands effort, but effort that is correctly aimed. And well-executed.

Leaders have no greater leverage than their ability to help others perform better. Not by constraint. Not through tyranny. But through compassion.

So let’s wrap up today’s special episode and this week with a single word. A verb. A heart term. One that can make you a better leader. A better business person. A more accomplished professional.

CARE.

Make up your mind right now to care more about how you’re serving the people around you. Give more. Take less.

Listen more. Talk less.

Open your heart – and your mind – to the viewpoints, insights and opinions of others. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but it means by listening to them you’ll foster within your team the permission they crave to more deeply participate. The ideas will get better. The team’s performance will, too. Along with your leadership.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

Randy

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 12:13 — 16.9MB)

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“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”  – Aesop

The return we get – let’s start out thinking about ourselves because that’s what we tend to do anyway (put ourselves first) – from kindness is immeasurable. Never mind the benefit we can provide to others.

Then why is compassion so rare?

“No one has ever become poor by giving.”   – Anne Frank

In a word: pride.

Pride gets in our way. It’s the kryptonite for everybody.

Self.

That’s another word you may be better able to relate with. We put too much emphasis on ourselves and not enough on others. Culture fuels it, too.

If you don’t take care of yourself, who will?

I’m even guilty, having been a longtime fan of Jack Welch’s statement, “Control your destiny or somebody else will.” I’m re-thinking that these days, just so you know.

In one context (perhaps others) it’s wise. It means, “be responsible.” Don’t wait for somebody to do it for you. Don’t sit back, doing nothing, hoping others will rescue you. That’s not a good or wise way to go through life.

But on the other hand, it diminishes the value others can bring. It may spark us to isolate ourselves thinking we alone have to do it all. And that makes us critical of others because we’ve now elevated our own view of ourselves. We’re clearly the most important person on the planet – in our minds.

That’s why judgment is easy. We can easily and quickly spot the deficiencies in others while our glaring weaknesses can go unnoticed. Your weaknesses make me feel better about myself, but that better feeling is like an illegal drug. It’s short-term gain with long-term pain.

It doesn’t make me a better human. It does nothing to help you. It won’t improve me. Instead, it stunts my growth and helps me remain stuck in my self-centeredness.

Then, you’re gonna go post terrific pics of your vacation or some other trip. I’m gonna see your Instagram and Facebook posts. Jealousy is going to soar. My life isn’t so grand. I can’t afford to make that trip. My life doesn’t measure up. Bitterness and resentment settle into a comfortable place in my mind.

How am I supposed to exhibit compassion when your life appears so much better than mine?

Again, it boils down to pride and self. I’m looking at your life – and all the other lives around me – through the lens of my own life. The constant state of comparison prevents me from feeling or displaying compassion.

Compassion doesn’t cost. It gives. To everybody.

Pride’s payoff isn’t nearly as great. But pride promises the big payday. Which is why we can so easily lean into it. By putting the attention on ourselves maybe we’re deluded into thinking others will pay us more attention. Self-promotion and all that.

This isn’t about avoiding putting our best foot forward. Or for those comfortable doing so, it’s not about avoiding self-promotion. The issue is whether or not we’ll incorporate compassion into our daily habits.

Humility and compassion provide fuel for so many positive things in our lives – and in the lives of others with whom we interact. Connection and communication are greatly enhanced. Both are hindered when compassion is missing. That alone ought to make us think more soberly about how we can increase compassion in our lives.

Compassion is missing when these qualities are absent:

• Humility
• Curiosity
• Empathy
• Open-mindedness
• Cooperation

Guess what else is missing when these qualities are absent?

Team performance. Group performance. High performing groups and teams tend to always have the same traits that fuel compassion. That doesn’t mean they have no conflict or disagreement. It means they can work through it in a productive way that doesn’t tear them apart.

I regularly ask people about extending grace to others. In just about every conversation it quickly becomes clear that people are reluctant to give grace (compassion) to others. Especially when there’s conflict or disagreement.

Yet that’s when compassion is needed most.

When things are smooth and easy…well, we don’t have to work very hard. It’s when there’s disagreement or conflict when we need to amp up the compassion.

Lest you think this is about nothing more than kindness – which should be ample reason for doing it – there’s a practical reason behind deploying more compassion.

Understanding

Compassion is the missing link when understanding goes out the window. Or when understanding seems almost impossible. Or when people stop seeking understanding.

We shut down. We refuse to listen. We dig deeper into our position.

“I’m dug into what I think.” A common statement heard when a person has made up their mind they won’t exercise compassion. You may as well walk away because that person will never understand what you say or how you feel. They’re disinterested in learning more. Growth and improvement aren’t as important to them as their pride.

If you find the performance of your group or team faltering, gauge the compassion. If it’s lacking then work to elevate it by stressing the high value of it. When you begin to elevate compassion you’ll find understanding going up, too. Along with it, performance. Test it and I guarantee things will improve.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

Randy

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 19:37 — 27.1MB)

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High-performing groups and teams are fixated on one big thing – understanding!

The key to understanding is one simple, but not always easy activity – asking questions.

Being high-performing isn’t easy. Ever. It takes hard work, dedication and know-how. It also requires discipline to engage in continuous activities that will foster high-performance. Most teams or groups lack the ingredients, but it’s not technical prowess, or proper structure or even good intentions that are missing. No, the missing ingredients are the things necessary for improved understanding.

High-performing groups or teams lean into the areas of activity that foster great work. And it’s far less technical than most think. Instead, it’s social. It’s about people.

It’s human interaction and our ability to improve those interactions.

Mostly, it’s about our collective ability to have productive discussions. If we’re unable to do that, then it’s over. Any chance we have to be high-performing is out if we can’t have profitable conversations that foster deeper understanding.

High-performing teams.

High-performing groups.

High-functioning relationships. Including marriages and families.

They all depend on understanding.

The quality of our questions determines the quality of our understanding. And the higher our understanding the more likely we can have high-performing groups or teams made up of high-performing individuals.

What happens when you don’t understand?

You have a few options. You can make something up. Assume meaning. Think you know. Don’t work to find out. This is the option taken by many people (which is, in part, why high-performing groups or teams are so rare). The gaps in our knowledge – those things we don’t know or the things we don’t understand – get filled in with what we think or assume.

You can ask questions. You can seek understanding.

Why is that so hard? A few reasons. For starters, you have to admit you don’t understand. Many people would prefer to feign understanding. But that doesn’t work at any level. Pretending you understand is about as effective as pretending you’re a high-performing person. Imagining it won’t make it so.

It’s also hard because we’re human. We have emotions. We react to things. Including words others say.

We can get defensive and combative. Understanding isn’t the initial instinct for most people. Fighting back is. Or running away. Fight or flight. The space between the two is mindful understanding. That just means it’s intentional. We set our minds to understand ahead of time, knowing that during the conversation we’re going to likely be sparked to feel like fighting or fleeing. Special, high-performing people determine in advance to pursue understanding. They can check themselves in real-time to behave in ways that foster understanding instead of conflict for the sake of disagreement.

It’s hard. Very hard. Which is why it’s so rare.

Your team is meeting. The conversation is perfectly fine while the topics are easy, but suddenly a difficult conversation begins. At some point somebody says something that causes another member of the team to bristle. They blurt out, “I completely disagree.” That can derail the entire discussion…or not.

What’s going to happen next? I many cases it turns into a fight. A he-said, he-said ordeal. No increased understanding. No improvement in the discussion. The productivity falls like a rock. The conversation either ends or quickly moves to safer topics. It’s evident the team isn’t going to be able to discuss this tough subject. It’s the mark of a low-performing team. They just can’t handle hard discussions.

What if instead of blurting out, “I completely disagree” the person remained quiet, listening with the intention of understanding the speaker? It doesn’t mean there’s going to be agreement. But it does mean understanding has a chance!

Then, at a proper time, what if the disagreeing listener asks a question without any intention of inciting negative emotions. “Can you tell me more about why you feel the way you do…so I can better understand?”

By asking the question we’re omitting our favorite thing to do though. The thing that fosters nothing productive. We’re not telling that person – or the team – that we disagree. Instead of drawing a line in the sand we’re working to understand.

Very few people can do that instinctively. The fact is, I’ve never seen it, but I’m supposing such people may exist. Maybe there really are unicorns in the wild. Somewhere. I don’t know. But I do know we can make up our minds to behave like that because I’ve seen it in every high-performing team or group.

Questions. Not statements. That’s the key.

Curiosity. Not judgment or reaction. That’s also a key that precedes the questions.

Reaction is easy. We hear something that irks us. Or something we disagree with. Before we can even think we’ve blurted it out. “I completely disagree.” We’re not trying to understand anything except our need to be heard. We must voice our disapproval. Right now!

Why? Where’s the value for the group or the team? How are we pushing understanding forward when we do that?

We do it because we’re selfish.

We do it because we’re judgmental, not understanding.

We do it because we think our view matters more than anybody else in the room. So we MUST speak up.

There is no value for the group or the team. There’s no value for the person voicing the objection either.

A Better Option: Ask Questions Aimed To Increase Understanding

The questions can be statements. It’s important they be candid, but safe and non-threatening without your insertion of opposition.

“Tell me more.”

“Explain more about why you feel that way.”

“Tell us why you see it that way.”

Sometimes people technically think they’re doing good work, but they’re only behaving in a passive-aggressive way to appear like they’re doing good work. They’re really behaving poorly and not helping the group better understand.

“I’d like to know why you feel that way because I don’t see it like that at all.”

“Please enlighten us on why you see it that way.”

Tone matters. It’s communication so it all matters. Facial expressions. Body language. Pay attention to all of it.

Fact: We overvalue our intentions by thinking our intentions are always good. We undervalue the intentions of others thinking they have bad, even nefarious motives.

That’s why we have powerful angry reactions to people who cut us off in traffic. We choose to believe such a person thinks their time is more valuable than ours. They think they deserve to be ahead of us. They’re jerks.

Nevermind they could be rushing to an emergency. We’d rather not think that. Instead, we prefer to think they’ve wronged us. But they’re unaware of how we feel. Our emotions – the ones we choose to embrace – impact us, not them. Why don’t we choose emotions that better serve us? Mostly because we react without pre-thinking. Such an event might ruin our entire day.

That’s the high price we pay for failing to understand or see things in ways that better serve us and the groups or teams of which we’re a part.

So here I sit. In this moment listening to somebody say something that I completely disagree with. I can immediately object. Or I can turn my emotions in a different direction toward curiosity thinking, “I wonder why they feel that way?” Only one way to find out. Ask. But do it in a way that fosters a candid reply. That means it’s on me to do it in a way that won’t make them bristle, shut down or be tempted to be combative.

Because the performance of our group hinges on my performance and everybody else who is a member of this group. My poor behavior doesn’t help. My provoking them to behave poorly doesn’t help things either. How can we ALL benefit? By deepening our understanding.

Stop filling in the blanks with assumptions that may be false. Instead, find out. Seek understanding. Learn how to be part of a high-performing group or team by first learning how to be high-performing yourself. Get busy doing great work to deepen your understanding of others. Until you do…you’ll never be able to leverage the power of others.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

Randy

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The power of others is most evident when we get into trouble. The trouble that we create through our own foolishness, negligence or stupidity. I know you don’t want to admit it, but we’ve all experienced it. Nobody is immune.

All of us have written awful chapters in our lives. Hopefully, we didn’t make them the longest chapters of our lives. Worse yet, let’s not make them multiple chapters that end up defining our whole story. The most wasted lives in society are lives like that – lives devoted to ongoing, constant foolishness (or worse – evil and wickedness).

Most of us are guilty of youthful indiscretions and idiocy. Sometimes we weren’t so young when we did it, but if we’re surrounded by people who care about us then we can more quickly course correct. That’s why our associations are crucial for our well-being.

The wrong people can influence us to extend our worst chapter. They foster the continual writing of a bad story.

The right people can influence us to shorten our worst chapter by helping us get on with writing a much better story.

We’re responsible for our own story. This isn’t about diverting the blame onto others. It’s our life. Our story. And our decision on how we write it. And our decision on who we’ll surround ourselves with.

Being responsible means it’s up to us. It doesn’t mean it’s solely up to us. It means we can decide to silo ourselves and go it alone. Or we can decide that’s stupid and we need help.

Why struggle alone?

Lots of reasons. None of them very good. But there are reasons why we do it.

We don’t trust anybody enough to be fully candid. Or vulnerable.

We don’t think anybody can help. Or is willing to help. We think people need some special skills or knowledge to help.

We don’t want to impose on anybody.

We don’t think we need help.

But here’s the thing…when we’re struggling we may not be at our optimal self. Remaining in the struggle – going it alone – prolongs the chapter. Not likely our best chapter either.

Read any biography of a successful person and you’ll read about failures. Sometimes lots of them. Sometimes long periods of failure.

Do you feel like a challenge? I’ve tried this numerous times and the results are universally true (so far). Think of the times you’ve struggled. Times when you were failing.

Think of how you escaped it. When you found your way out and began to succeed.

Was there a person involved in your turnaround? One person who showed up at just the right time? A person who gave you a helping hand?

I’m guessing there was such a person. I’ve not yet met a person, who after just moments of sober reflection, could say they dug their way out of the abyss all alone. People tell stories of a friend, some stranger, a relative…somebody helped them get to their feet. Without that assistance, they admit their struggle would have continued. For who knows how long?

In retrospect, people tell me about the bad chapter of their life. Some had a few bad chapters. But everybody happily admits those bad chapters were not their whole story thanks to the people who provided just what they seemed to need.

I’ve never talked with a successful person – measured just about any way you’d like to measure it (financial, accomplishment, achievement) – who claims they were able to do it alone. They were able to write better chapters, to craft a better story by leveraging 3 basic behaviors:

1. They figured out what they were good at (which in most cases, wound up being the things they most enjoyed doing). They devoted themselves to doing more of that.
2. They were relentless in pursuing their goal. This was made possible because they figured out a goal that was congruent with their natural talent.
3. They were able to move forward because somebody helped them. In some cases, they found help to achieve 1 and 2.

Better stories are always written by people who had collaborators. People who didn’t hesitate to help them. Not people who wanted to write the story for them, but people willing to help them create a better story. People willing to be part of their success.

What if we could be more intentional to craft a better story? What if we could take serious aim at writing a better chapter…after chapter…after chapter?

We can.

The goal or pursuit doesn’t matter. Whatever you want to do…it can be greatly enhanced by finding the right people willing to help. Help is all around you. There are three basic steps you can take.

1. Realize there are many people capable and willing to help. This continues to be THE hurdle for most people. They disbelieve this fact. They convince themselves all those idiotic sentiments that sound so wise. Such as, “If it is to be, it’s up to me.” Meanwhile, the most successful people understand that the fastest path toward a better story are people who can best help them write that story. The story they most want to write.
2. Get past your fears. Whether your fears take the form of insecurities or feeling like you’re imposing…get over them. They’re in your head. They only exist because you choose to believe them. Keep telling yourself the truth: the world is full of people who will help. People who can help. Fears will prevent you from finding them. Mostly because your fears will paralyze you from even looking for them.
3. Act. Make choices that are congruent with the story you most want to write. Think of yourself as the main character in the story…because you are. If it helps, think of yourself not as yourself, but as that character. Visualize what the story will be when it happens as you’d like. What’s the ending going to be? Now, work your way backward and reverse engineer the story so you can make it come true. Your character will have to do certain things and avoid doing other things if the story is going to play out the way you want. Get busy behaving in ways so that story will be YOUR story.

If you’re currently stuck in a bad chapter, don’t despair. Commit to get past it. End it. Fast. Solicit help. Or refuse and extend the chapter to last much, much longer.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

Randy