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Today’s show is brought to you by The Peer Advantage by Bula Network, a professional paid peer advisory group – a mastermind group – for small business owners from around the United States. Find out all the details at ThePeerAdvantage.com.

Today we’re continuing our series on self-awareness by focusing on accepting responsibility for ourselves. All of ourselves. Every bit of it.

Isn’t it ironic that most of us want more control over our lives, but when we’re faced with accepting control we sometimes would rather defer to something else, or somebody else? Right now we’re going to do our best to change that. We can at least get started and if we keep it up, we can make this a permanent change.

That doesn’t mean we’re isolated, alone or solely responsible for everything. It’s not the minimization of others. Truth is, it’s doing right by others because it helps us stop blaming others for things we can (and should) control.

Years ago a guy here in Dallas, William Oncken, wrote a book entitled, “Management Time: Who’s Got the Monkey?” It’s really a book about delegation and getting things done, but there’s an underlying subtext of ownership. Taking ownership of the work can kill our ability to delegate. On the flipside, when it comes to our own lives, we must take ownership. In this case, delegation is tantamount to believing we’re the victim so we give ownership or our problem to somebody else. The problem? That means we surrender ownership of changing our situation to somebody else, too.

“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”  – Eleanor Roosevelt

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”  – Theodore Roosevelt

“The final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.”
– Anne Frank

Step 1  You Must Be Done With Excuses

This is an enormous variable in our lives. Some of us hit a point quickly when we get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Others of us delay and embrace being sick and tired.

Seems to me one of the distinctions between the two – and something that can contribute to how long we stay comfortable with our excuses – is the value or benefit derived from living with excuses. The notable value I see is attention. Some people garner more attention (because they seek it) for suffering. They enjoy the sympathy others express toward them. If that sympathy stops, they forge ahead into some new problem that can stir up new sympathy. They’re hooked on the attention so they fall in love with their excuses. Without those, the sympathy river dries up.

Ask yourself, “Do I want to be seen as a victim or as a person in control of their life?”

Victims even answer it as you’d expect. We all want to be seen as people in control and command of our lives. But…

With victims it’s conditional. When things go well, they want credit. When they don’t, they need an excuse.

This is hard because logic and reason don’t often enter into it. Emotions take over. Feelings, which we’ve likely had for a long time, are hard to change. That’s why I’ve urged us all to change what we’re doing in order to help change how we feel – and what we believe.

Question: What value do YOU provide others by embracing your excuses? How do your excuses make you bring higher value to the people who surround you?

Finish it. For once, be brave and answer it as fully as you can. Here’s what you’ll discover. Your excuses serve somebody, but they don’t serve everybody. Only one person derives anything from them. And even though the excuses feel like a positive because people feel sad or sorry for us, they’re damaging us every time we get sympathy.

Excuses are selfish. It’s the mountain top of selfishness. It’s where world-class losers reside.

Everybody suffers. Everybody loses. You lose the most because you believe external circumstances solely determine the outcomes of your life. You’re just a blob of flesh with strings attached to the universe, who can pull them at will. What’s the point in even having a brain if you’re only going to use it to suck sympathy from everybody around you?

Don’t think entrepreneurs are capable of this behavior?

Just ask a dozen small business owners about how sales are? Good or bad doesn’t matter. Now ask them why? Brace yourself ’cause you’re not likely going to be hearing empirical evidence. You’ll be hearing the excuses they’ve learned through the years.

“People aren’t buying because the weather has been dreadful.”

“Business is strong because people got their tax refunds.”

What you’re not likely to hear are things like…

“Business is awful because we’ve done a pitiful job of buying what people want.”

“Business is great because we did an excellent job of buying exactly what people want and we managed to negotiate great deals giving us strong profits.”

See how subtle it all is?

Find a place where you can just be done with it. Kick excuse-making to the curb. Divorce yourself from the habit.

Step 2 Find Pride In Owning Your Own Outcomes (it starts with owning your own behavior)

Few things are as empowering as realizing that our brains – head trash – stand in the way of our reaching greater heights. We’re the enemy of our own achievements, accomplishments, and performance.

What happens if I own it all? The good, the bad, the ugly, the success and the failure? What does that look like?

Confidence soars. That’s one thing that happens. Increasingly we feel in control. And when we’re not in control we accept the things we do control.

What can I do about this?

It’s not a question, “Can I do anything about this?” What if we accept the fact – the truth – that there is something we can do? Maybe it’ll be the correct thing. Maybe it won’t. But we’re still in control of doing something – whatever we decide to do.

Courage is key.

The courage to act and the courage to readily accept the outcome.

We’re now at the heart of learning, understanding and growing. LUG happens only when we’re able to face the realities that this is our life and we’re fully in control of what happens. Being fully in control doesn’t mean we’re in 100% control of our lives. It means we’re 100% in control of our decisions, behaviors, actions, and choices. What we choose to do with a circumstance that we had no part in is totally on us.

Find pride in accepting and recognizing that a failed outcome was because you got it wrong. But, now – armed with this new data – you’re confident you’re closer to getting it right because you now know more than you did before. Thanks to the failure. It’s one of the biggest things you can do to elevate your confidence, which is the feed your courage needs to move forward.

Contrast that with the shrinking demeanor of a victim constantly in search of sympathy. Stop exhausting others trying to get them to feel bad for you. Stop feeling bad for yourself. It’s better to feel pride in the outcome, knowing you’re working toward success and achievement.

Pride trumps sympathy. As usual, this is largely about how we can put in the work to feel better about ourselves. Self-respect is impossible when you’re a victim. It’s automatic when you’re the commander of your own life.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

RC

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 10:30 — 13.2MB)

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This week’s theme is self-awareness. I landed on this theme due to the many people I encounter who spend way too much time comparing themselves. It’s why I intentionally built the foundation last week focused on your mental health. Now we’re going to work at getting very real with ourselves. It’s not about who or what you want to become, it’s about who and what you are right now. Sure, we’re all subject to growth and improvement – which means we can change, but I want to push you to consider innate strengths, talents, and abilities. I also want you to think about your beliefs, convictions and character traits. It’s time to look deeply into the mirror.

Randy

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We’re talking about you. Your self-awareness. Your beliefs. Your decisions. Your actions. Changes YOU need to make so you can improve.

It’s not about what other people need to do. Or what you think they need to do. This week we’re being selfish in that we’re looking into the mirror so we can grow. We want to become better human beings.

New flash: It may appear to have anything to do with your business. But it does.

You may wonder how being a better person can serve you at work. Well, let me offer up a few pieces of evidence – proof of why you should put in this work.

The Pacific Gas and Electric Co. continues to be in the news for bad behavior. Well, if you think criminal behavior is bad. And I do.

Uber’s rocky road toward an IPO was commented upon by TechCrunch. The company has a history of bad behavior from the top down.

Boeing may have known about the safety issues with the 737 Max before that fatal crash last year.

Daily big companies and small companies make the news because of illegal, immoral or questionable behavior from the C-suite. Nevermind that many other companies don’t make the news for doing good work, behaving honestly with high integrity. But the pursuit of business success is a strong siren call that lures many founders, CEOs and executives to ignore whatever character and moral compass once defined them. Others were likely scoundrels from the get-go. It just took some time before they were found out.

Still think being a good human has no correlation with growing great at running a business?

John isn’t his real name, but John is the CEO and founder of a software company that has passed the $100 million mark. He’s a programming fool. Gifted. A skill beyond my comprehension really. Forget computer languages, I’m still trying to master English, my native tongue.

John is hard-charging and proud of it. He has no reservations in being a jerk. Or being considered a jerk. I joke with him that he’s read too many stories about Steve Jobs. But I suspect it’s true.

He churns through developers with a rapid clip. Ask him and he’ll admit he’s constantly surrounded by inept people, incapable of crafting clean code. Maybe he’s right. I just know his tactics aren’t serving him. Or the business. At least not serving either of them to grow great.

I’m patient with John though because he realizes he’s learned this behavior. Those early years of having to do most of the coding himself taught him what it took to succeed. And it also taught him what it would take to fail. But he refused to fail.

Privately, John hates it. He hates “having to be like that.” That is being a jerk, berating people, exhibiting intolerance for even the slightest error. “Man, I just don’t know any other way,” he says. We work mainly on finding out if he’s capable (which means finding out if he’s willing) of believing his life can be far better – and it’ll make his people and his company better, too.

At first, he had doubts. But he was hopeful.

Now, he believes it. So he’s putting in the work to figure it out. I’m trying to help him do that. Not by doing it for him – which is impossible – but by helping him see some things he’s never seen before. So far, so good.

This week we’ve talked about beliefs, convictions, and character because experience has taught me how valuable those are to our growth. John isn’t entrenched with the belief that in order to build a high performing company he has to be a leader with a bullwhip in hand. Yes, that’s how he behaved, but after a while the toll of that behavior on the company and on John personally was apparent. He’s a smart guy.

“What does it mean to be a good person?”

I ask John. I ask other people, too. It’s often similar to what others might say, but not always. I drill down. A more personal question.

“Describe what it would look like for you to live your ideal life.”

Paint me the picture of your ideal version of yourself. This isn’t who or what you are right now. It’s who and what you’d most like to be but avoid including things like skills, talents or interests. For example, it’s out of bounds for me to say my ideal version of myself would be somebody who loves being in big crowds. Fact is, I don’t. And nothing is likely going to change that. Best I accept that truth about myself and create my ideal version of myself around that aspect. So if you’re doing this exercise at home (and I hope you are), then accept those innate things that make you, YOU.

Now let’s amp it up. Every single bit of it.

For most of us it starts with the things in our life – the qualities or components of our life that irritate us, irk us or make us unhappy with ourselves. No, we’re not going to spend time berating ourselves. We are going to spend time recognizing that there are some things (maybe many things) that we really do need to change so we can be better people.

Jeremy is an effective executive, but he admits a lifelong habit that drives him crazy. He’s not able to use “NO” as a complete statement. It drives him crazy. He’s “always telling these small lies to protect myself.” Making up excuses. Figuring out things to say to other people. Compelled to give reasons when no reasons are necessary. Seems small, but it’s a daily nagging aggravation for Jeremy. Besides, lying – even lying about seemingly small or insignificant things – isn’t helping Jeremy become a better person. He’s learning to say, “No” or “No thanks” and leaving that as enough. Says Jeremy, “It’s much nicer to feel a bit uncomfortable doing that than living with how I feel about myself by making something up.”

No change is too small. No change is too big.

Figure out what you think your ideal self would look like. How would your ideal self behave? How would your ideal self talk? How would your ideal self make decisions? How would your ideal self work with others, manage the work and lead people? Figure that out. Write it out if you like. Paint the most detailed picture possible.

Now, figure out how to get from where you are to this ideal that YOU created. Don’t fret about getting there in a single step, but commit to making a step (just one) in the right direction. You want to make the change and you want to feel better about yourself for putting in the work.

Don’t worry about what people will say or think. You have to live with yourself. The things you’ve always hated about yourself should likely be the top things on your list. Stop accepting bad behavior as being who you are. That’s the toxic danger of self-resignation. “Well, I just lie because I don’t want to be that candid.” No excuse. You’re eroding your self-respect. And that’s the bottom line to this work. We’re trying to elevate your self-respect. We’re trying to put in the work so we’re feeling good about the effort we’re making to become a better person every single day. No matter what!

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

RC

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 9:20 — 11.2MB)

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This week’s theme is self-awareness. I landed on this theme due to the many people I encounter who spend way too much time comparing themselves. It’s why I intentionally built the foundation last week focused on your mental health. Now we’re going to work at getting very real with ourselves. It’s not about who or what you want to become, it’s about who and what you are right now. Sure, we’re all subject to growth and improvement – which means we can change, but I want to push you to consider innate strengths, talents, and abilities. I also want you to think about your beliefs, convictions and character traits. It’s time to look deeply into the mirror.

Randy

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Beliefs are tough to categorize. There are the beliefs you have which determine how you view the world and your place in it. These beliefs are how you see other people – and circumstances and events – and how you judge them (and I don’t mean “judge” in some critical fashion, but how you discern them). For example, some of us are optimistic and others not so much. That belief – whichever it may be – impacts how we go about life.

There are religious or spiritual beliefs. Even people who don’t believe in God or any higher power have a belief – and that’s their belief — that there is no God. Then there are those of us who do believe in God, so much so that we make that a priority in our lives. I’m unashamed that I fall into that camp. I confess knowing firsthand how much that impacts all my choices, decisions and behaviors (well, at least when I behave as I should). 😉

Then there’s the belief I’d like to start with today – the belief we have in ourselves.

Everybody believes in themselves. The question is, “What do you believe about yourself?” What do you believe in when it comes to YOU?

Confidence. That’s how most of us put our self-belief in context. But there’s more to it.

There are many more things that you believe about yourself that have nothing to do with confidence. Confidence is merely a catch-all that doesn’t catch it all.

We’ve all seen those infamous people of Walmart pics of people who actually leave their house and go shop at Walmart in some of the wildest outfits ever. All of us are thinking the same thing, “What were they thinking?” I can tell you. They thought, “This looks good.” At the very least they thought, “Yeah, this is fine.” Proof of their beliefs about their appearance.

How else can you explain all the duck lipping and other things that the collective knows looks bad, but many individual people still leave the house looking rather absurd? The obese lady in those yoga pants believes she looks good. She’s unaware that she looks like a tuna in a tube. We all know it, but her belief is what’s driving her behavior. It’s driving mine and yours, too.

The thing about self-belief is how prone we can be to get it wrong. Colossally wrong sometimes. Yet we believe it so it’s right. Well, a truer statement would be if we believe it, then it’s our reality.

Figuring out what you believe about yourself is required work if we’re committed to learning, understanding and growing. When I was younger I’d spend time trying to convince people of what I believed FOR (or about) them. Somebody would express some dream or idea. We’d bounce it around and I’d get excited because I could see it happening. I could see them succeeding at it. I’d grow frustrated knowing they didn’t believe in themselves or their idea as much as I did. It took me years to realize that it didn’t matter what I believed. What they believed was the only thing that mattered.

The backside of figuring it out includes changing it. That’s the real deal for most of us, but it’s impossible until we know what it is we’re changing. Discerning the status quo of what you believe is mandatory.

Enter a debate people sometimes want to engage with me.

“But what if you believe something that isn’t true about yourself?”

I say, “It depends.”

For instance, figuring out what you believe – especially about yourself – may be easier than you think. Look at your behavior. Look at your actions. Look at your choices.

Belief isn’t disconnected from actions. So back when I used to try to persuade or convince people they could do something – because I believed they could – I figured I might be able to influence them to take action they mostly never took.

That’s why last Friday’s episode was focused on changing how we feel by changing our actions. Guess what? It works. And it goes even deeper into helping us change our beliefs. Largely because we prove to ourselves new truths about ourselves.

Entrepreneurs, business owners, executives, and leaders make decisions. It’s what we do. Sometimes we do it well by getting it right. Other times we don’t do it so well because we get it wrong.

What do you do when you get it wrong? Berate yourself? How long do you dwell on it?

Recently I heard a young entrepreneur give some great advice about what should happen when things don’t go as planned, “Unhook it.” That instantly made sense to me. Unchain yourself from it and turn the page.

I’m a hockey fan. Here we are at the conference championship phase of the Stanley Cup playoffs. To win the Stanley Cup a team has to win 16 games. There are four rounds of playoffs, each round determined by the best of 7 (four victories mean you advance to the next round). It’s a grind for teams who play just about every other day. As you’d imagine momentum can shift quickly within a game or a series. And in a sport where one position is far more consequential to the outcome – the goaltenders – these players must have sports amnesia. That is, they have to unhook it when they give up a goal, or when they lose a game. Translation: Forget about it and move on.

I bring this up because I encounter too many leaders who live in the past. But it’s not restricted to losses or mistakes. It’s also true of wins or successes. We may falsely believe that we’re a superstar and thanks to our leadership, that success happened.

Let me wheel back around to character (something I’m talking about more and more) and why I think it’s so important. Character strengths are what you most believe. Doing the right thing – honesty – is a character trait. Just the other night 60 Minutes did a piece on big pharma price fixing. Evidently, there are plenty of crooks at the top. They likely believe it’s okay or they believe their company profits trump moral uprightness. I don’t know exactly what they believe but I know honesty, transparency, and fairness aren’t among them.

I’m ending on this note because I believe that great leadership starts with being great human beings. Want to improve your leadership and grow great? Then look deep inside yourself and figure out what changes need to be made so you can become a better – a great – person!

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

RC

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 7:50 — 10.1MB)

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This week’s theme is self-awareness. I landed on this theme due to the many people I encounter who spend way too much time comparing themselves. It’s why I intentionally built the foundation last week focused on your mental health. Now we’re going to work at getting very real with ourselves. It’s not about who or what you want to become, it’s about who and what you are right now. Sure, we’re all subject to growth and improvement – which means we can change, but I want to push you to consider innate strengths, talents and abilities. I also want you to think about your beliefs, convictions and character traits. It’s time to look deeply into the mirror.

Growing up in retail and spending decades serving the public taught me the importance of outward focus. It was an enormous business-building educational advantage. I bring that up because I think it’s important for us to be outward facing when it comes to providing value. Life isn’t all about you. It’s not all about me. It’s about THEM – those we want to impact. Those we want to dazzle. Those we want to influence.

However, for us to truly deliver the highest value – we have to be inward facing. We have to be more fully in touch with who and what we are. And it’s not an easy thing for most of us because outside influences press on us to dream or imagine being something we’re not. Or loving something we may naturally hate.

I’m kicking off this week’s theme with figuring out what you love for three reasons. One, it’s a more positive viewpoint than to approach it by concentrating on what you hate. Two, it’s more difficult to really figure out what you love. Three, it’s more impactful to your long-term success than a focus on what you hate.

Let me encourage you to flip negatives into positives. I’m not opposed to the high value of negatives. They can serve us. Parents say “no” to their kids an awful lot because kids can be stupid and make dumb decisions. And because parents love their kids and want to teach them. “Don’t cross the street,” isn’t negative advice. It’s a negative statement – don’t – aimed at keeping the child safe.

The problem is we learn to implement it throughout our lives. Be more thoughtful to flip it when you’re able. For example, how many times do you apologize for relatively minor offenses? “I’m sorry I’m late,” is a common one.

Flip it into a positive that puts the attention on the other person, in a good way. “Thank you for waiting for me. I appreciate it.”

Doing hard work as opposed to the easy work is a habit that’s good for us. To think of what you love is way harder than thinking of what you hate. You instantly know what you hate.  “I hate cauliflower” is an easy statement for lots of folks. “What’s your favorite vegetable of all time?” is a bit harder.

When we’re looking in the mirror – at our true selves – it’s insanely harder to land on what we most love. But the practice of doing it equips us to grow better at getting it done.

So it’s about a lasting impact. Long-term success and achievement. We’re not interested in some quick fix that won’t last. Sustainable growth is our objective.

Concentrate on the things you do daily inside your organization. Make note of the ones you truly love. The ones that fuel you. The ones that boost your energy just thinking about being able to do them.

The noise of business or organizational culture can ruin your ability to see accurately. For instance, culture gives so much wind and attention to the “start up” and “entrepreneurship.” People talk about starting a lot. It’s glorified.

But what if you don’t love the start? What if you know you’re not really good at the start?

True confession. I hate the start. I’m not good at the start. Meaning, launching isn’t easy for me because I hate that part of the process.

I know people who love nothing better than the start. But no sooner is the launch underway, they begin to lose interest. They so love the start, but they hate what comes after.

I’m the opposite. I hate the start, but once it’s underway – all that stuff in the middle, the building to get momentum – I love it. I love the middle.

Knowing that helps me. It can serve to keep me from trying to be something I’m not, or from saying “yes” to an opportunity that would likely not be fun or productive for me.

“To thine own self be true,” isn’t just some Shakespearean saying. It’s true.

But in order to be true to yourself, you have to come face to face with what you love. And you have to do it for one simple reason (although I’m sure there are plenty of others): you need energy for the grind.

When you love it you stick with it. When you hate it, you’ll accept any reason to quit.

Sure, it’s also highly probable that whatever you love is something you’re pretty good at. Better than something you hate.

I’m introverted. I enjoy being around people, but I don’t love being in crowds. I love being in a smaller group setting though – where conversations can go deeper than small talk (which I hate). What difference does it make in knowing (and facing) such truths? All the difference in the world if being at a bunch of events with lots of people is part of what’s needed to build my business. I’d be better served finding a person who loves that and delegating those activities to them.

So it’s not just what you love (and are likely pretty good at), but it’s knowing who and what you need to surround you in building or growing your business. The Jim Collins’ metaphor of putting the right people on the bus is true enough, but you need to be able to best figure out who they should be. I’m suggesting you focus on what you – and any potential teammates – love!

Besides, it’s lots more fun. And as much time as we spend working we should make it as fun as possible.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

RC

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Back in 2010 I saw an online article entitled, “Action Creates Emotion: Want to change how you’re feeling? Change what you’re doing.”

In the summer of 1971, a team of researchers led by Psychology professor Phillips Zimbardo divided a group of undergraduates randomly into two groups, prisoners and prison guards, and arranged for them to act out their respective roles in a mock prison in the basement of the Stanford psychology building.

Within days, the guards began to display authoritarian attitudes, ultimately subjecting some of the prisoners to intentional humiliation. The prisoners developed passive attitudes, many sinking into a depressed state. The experiment had to be stopped after only six days.

The Stanford prison experiment is often said to illustrate the power of social roles in shaping behavior, but it also illustrates the power of behavior to elicit real powerful emotions. The guards in Zimbardo’s experiments were not really guards. And the prisoners were not prisoners. They were all volunteers. They were all students. But once they began to act the part, they began to feel the part.

We often want to change how we feel. It’s why people go to a therapist. Sadness. Depression. Anxiety. We want relief from the sober seriousness of their feelings. That’s why Monday I began with an episode about laughter. People who suffer chronic bad feelings can’t laugh.

The other day I’m told the sad story of a woman suffering ill health. Her weight has piled on through the years. She now tops the scales north of 300 pounds. It’s taking a toll even though she knows what to do to get her life back on a course toward improvement. Like most, she’s waiting until she feels better.

Do you see the problem?

She feels the way she does because her actions have resulted in putting her in this state. She’s not ignorant of what she needs to do, but she’s not motivated to change. While she’s waiting, her health is failing. She’d best not wait too long.

What about YOU?

What are you waiting for?

Foolishly we try to control how we feel or what we think. Meanwhile, our minds are filled with feelings and thoughts we don’t want. Much of the time they’re quite opposite of what we desire.

Enter action. Meaningful actions and behaviors that can serve us. Or not.

Do you ever feel helpless or hopeless? Of course you do. Sometimes. We all do.

Sit there passively concentrating on not feeling that way and it’ll only deepen. Or face the reality that when you feel that way you’re still able to start your day and go about with whatever chores stare at you through your to-do-list. How are you able to do that if you’re helpless?

Fact is, you’re in control of your actions. Including the ones you’re choosing to not do.

“But I don’t feel like doing that,” is our battle cry.

Translation: I don’t feel like doing that because it’s too hard. Too difficult.

Question: Is too hard or difficult the same as impossible?

Hardly.

What about courage, tenacity, and determination — the very ingredients for change, improvement, and growth?

New things often scare us. That includes new habits of living. The poor obese woman is likely afraid of changing her eating habits. Maybe like so many others she says to herself, “I’ll just fail at it anyway.” But isn’t she failing now? Failing to take care of herself. Failing to increase her self-esteem. Failing to live her best life. She’s spiraling. Perhaps a serious health scare will impact her, but she could easily wait too late.

Deep down she knows her life is out of control – even though it’s fully within her control. Like us, she’s living in a way to temporary satisfy herself. To make herself feel better in the moment, but to destroy her.

It happens. To any of us. We lose control of our lives. Our expectations lower. We sink deeper and deeper.

Alcoholism and many other maladies overcome our lives. Behavioral problems. The only remedy for addictions – including overeating – is to do something. Alcoholics can’t think about change. They can’t miraculously change how they feel. But they can behave differently.

It’s why support groups exist. They’re not restricted to addictions, but other sufferings benefit from them, too. To illustrate I’ve commonly used the group – the National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children.

These poor people have done nothing. Their feelings aren’t based on anything they’ve done, but in order to help change their feelings toward something profitable, they need support and help from others who understand. It beats sitting around their lonely houses pining about their condition – something they have every right to do, but it’s not profitable. They need to find their new normal so they can move forward in spite of their grief. The organization is dedicated to help them do that. What better place to find the resolve to take the actions necessary to move forward with life in spite of your tragic situation?

Sadly, society has done a disservice for countless millions who suffer a variety of conditions through no fault of their own. Well intended people and systems view many forms of mental illness issues as beyond the control of the person, which fosters people feeling and behaving like victims. Yes there are many psychological issues that can be effectively treated with the help of medication, but it certainly doesn’t mean all these people are without any control. It does mean society’s attempts to remove whatever sigma may be attached to any of these diagnoses has resulted in the likely misdiagnosis of behavioral problems that may not have anything to do with legitimate mental health concerns.

When my kids are young (back in the 1980’s) it was quite popular to hear parents with kids who had ADD (attention deficit disorder). Fact is, many of these kids were just – well, kids! Acting like a kid doesn’t mean your child has ADD.

So we too often compensate people – like the obese woman – with validation to make them feel better, but it has the opposite effect. They’re given incentives to surrender their sense of responsibility and behavior. We rob them of their self-esteem and self-respect. We make them victims thinking we’re serving them. Instead, we’re victimizing them.

How do you feel?

What feelings do you have that you’d like to change?

There’s only one remedy for changing your feelings.

Yes, sometimes medication is necessary. I’m not a doctor and you should absolutely seek a mental health professional if you’re feeling despondent and it’s more than a passing feeling.

Each of us is obligated to change our behavior. Each of us has to accept responsibility for our own actions and outcomes.

Refuse it and you’ll remain a victim. Victims feel a sense of shame and blame. The feelings don’t serve us because victims act like victims instead of acting like the people capable of behaving better.

That’s why I end each show with two action verbs that depend on you taking action.

Be well. DO good. GROW great.

RC

P.S. Are you a small business owner in the United States? And by “small” I don’t mean the size of your revenue or your headcount. Rather, I mean you’re close to the work. You’re close to the customers and the people in your company who serve them. I invite you to join me at The Peer Advantage by Bula Network, an online peer advisory group of just 7 entrepreneurs interested in growing great. This is a paid for mastermind group of seven small business owners who will meet online every other week to support each other, serve each other and invest in learning, understanding and growth. Visit the website at ThePeerAdvantage.com and complete the application today.

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Today, let’s continue this week’s focus on our mental health. Unlike physical health, we tend to think mental health is for other people, not us. We’re not unhealthy mentally. Or so we think (even though we give it hardly any considerations). We don’t always take care of ourselves like we should.

Few topics get as much attention as happiness. Seems everybody is chasing it. You’d think all this pursuit would enable more of us to figure out how to achieve it. I know why it’s so elusive.

We’re chasing the wrong thing.

“Don’t worry, be happy” was not just a monotonous song, but it’s empty advice. Like telling the obese person to “be thin.” Or the poor to “be rich.”

Funny thing is the more society focuses on chasing happiness the more elusive it seems to be. We only seem to be elevating our anxiety over our failure to reach the goal. What if happiness isn’t to blame? What if we’re looking at the wrong goal?

Don’t you want to be happy? Of course. Everybody wants to be happy. And we experience happiness at moments of our life. There’s the rub. Moments.

That’s what happiness is. It’s a moment. Chasing a moment is like trying to bottle a sensation. You feel it, then it’s gone. Wonderful while it lasted, but temporary. Not sustainable.

Addiction is fueled by such sensations. It’s destructive. Largely because it’s unrealistic and fake masking reality that needs to be faced.

Does this mean chasing happiness isn’t worthwhile? Of course not. But it may mean that devoting ourselves to our own happiness may set us up for failure and selfishness. You’re not likely looking at it that way though.

A problem with personal happiness is the imposition it can put on others. But it depends on how you more deeply define happiness. Many people view happiness as doing what they most want to do.

We’re in the car heading for some restaurant. Nobody quite knows where…yet. “Where would you like to go?” I’m asked. Not having any preference I submit, “I don’t care. You decide.” I mean it.

Somebody picks a place I’m not terribly fond of. My preference would have been elsewhere. But am I now unhappy? No, not really.

We’re seated and folks decide to buy appetizers. “What would you like?” I’m asked. Again, I don’t have a strong preference. “Whatever you guys want would be fine!” They order some type of dip that wouldn’t have made my top 10 list of favorite appetizers. Am I unhappy? No, not really.

Why?

Because while I have a personal preference, I don’t care about it enough to impose on others. It just doesn’t matter that much to me. And I can say I’m honestly happy that these other folks got what they most wanted at the time. That’s a happiness I’m opting for over being able to eat what I may prefer.

Yes, it’s a small thing, but I’ve seen grown adults pitch a wide-eyed fit over lesser things. In fact, I’ve seen adults behave poorly in restaurants when they didn’t get their way. Their happiness trumped everything else. Colossally selfish.

I’m all in favor of pursuing happiness. I’m just encouraging you to rethink how you may view your personal happiness. Does your happiness involve helping others get their way – achieve their preferences – or does it always revolve around you getting what YOU want? There’s nothing noble about the latter.

Translate that to the happiness that may be evading you at work. If you find yourself less than happy – discontent even – then I’d urge you to reconsider some things. Namely, I’d urge you to think about how you lead and serve others.

The path forward in building a more successful business is your ability to help other people get what they most want. This isn’t limited to your customers. It includes your employees or team members. How determined are you in helping them get what they most want? Your answer can determine your self-satisfaction and happiness.

That’s why happiness as a goal is complicated. It depends on how you define happiness and how you view your service to others.

I hate the term servant leadership because it presupposes there’s another valid kind. It’s redundant. True leadership is serving others. It’s not about you. It’s about the people you lead.

Toward that end, I think happiness should be a goal when leaders derive pleasure from helping others achieve what they most want. Honestly, I think a better term for us to pursue as leaders is JOY. Joy is more lasting, deeper.

While I may say letting others decide where to eat makes me happy, that’s not entirely true. What is true is that it gives me joy. It makes me feel good knowing that I prefer others get to go where they’d like to go. No, it doesn’t make me noble or self-sacrificing. Not really. It just means I’m perfectly willing and happy to surrender what might suit me personally so others can be more suited to their preference.

You’re either approaching your life and work as though you’re the center of the universe, or you’re approaching it as though others are. That viewpoint will determine whether happiness is a suitable and honorable goal.

Find happiness in doing for others what only you can do. Your superpower as a leader is your willingness to help them in ways that may be unique to only you. Find happiness in doing that work!

Be well. Do good. Grow great.

RC