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Likable is powerful. And it’s so ridiculously easy. Or should be.

Back when dinosaurs roamed the planet and I got my first real #1 job running a company – a retailing company – I knew something that didn’t seem apparent to my competitors. For that matter, it didn’t seem it was being practiced by hardly anybody who served the public. It was 1982. I was 25. I held a morning meeting with just one focus, being polite. I remember saying, “Who knew there’d come a time when manners would be a competitive edge, but here we are?” For half an hour or so we talked about making sure we always (100% of the time) incorporated, “please” and “thank you” and “sir” and “ma’am.” 

Politeness pays.

It’s at the core of being likable. Without it, we don’t even get out of the gate successfully. It’s true in our personal relationships. And with our customers. And with our employees. 

We could direct any discussion about being likable to a host of worthwhile points. It’s such a valuable quality you’d think it’d warrant more attention. Maybe it just seems so elementary people discount it. 

But once again, I’m going to say what I remember first saying 36 years ago. Who knew there’d be a time when being likable would be a competitive advantage? Truth is, being likable is always – and has always – been an advantage. 

To be liked by some requires a willingness to be hated by others. 

That means you’re going to stand out. Stand apart. Growing up, it’s not something many of us wanted to achieve. High school taught us how invaluable that could be. The pressure was intense to be like everybody else, and not stand out. Fitting in was the objective. We wrongheadedly thought that was the path to success. 

Then life showed us how foolishly wrong we were.

It’s funny. Through the years I’ve talked with people about their 10th, 20th and even more advanced high school reunions. No, I’ve never been to one. My family moved to a different town when I was in the middle of my junior year so I was forever scarred by a horrible high school ending. 😉 (yes, I’m kidding)

People often talk about the people they thought would rise to the top of some endeavor because they were so popular in high school. Sometimes it happens. Often times, based on the stories they share, it doesn’t. I pretty regularly hear people say, “It’s like they peaked in high school I guess.” What a sad time to peak, huh?

Some of those kids were snooty. Unapproachable. Downright mean. 

And sometimes those sweet, kind kids were seen as weak. 

I’m old. I hope things have changed since I was in high school. Something tells me kids can still be cruel and mean. And popular at the same time. Just consider the venom being published today. The comedy shows that feast on a President, and making fun of anybody else available…well, is there a show that doesn’t follow that model? Insulting people is a full-time job for some. A part-time hobby for others. 

Civility is gone. Popularity is King. And being likable isn’t polarizing enough to be popular. Last week the President decided to slam LeBron James using his favorite medium, Twitter. Trash talking has reached galactic heights, or maybe it goes the other way. Maybe it’s reached abysmal lows. No matter, it’s a professional pastime. 

Back in January 2013, NPR’s Alix Spiegel wrote an article entitled, “No Mercy For Robots: Experiment Tests How Humans Relate To Machines.”

In the article, Alix cites some research going back to the late 90’s where computers interacted with people with politeness versus computers that were more direct without the niceties. She quotes Stanford professor Clifford Nass…

“Every culture has a rule of reciprocity, which roughly means, if I do something nice for you, you will do something nice for me. We wanted to see whether people would apply that to technology: Would they help a computer that helped them more than a computer that didn’t help them?”

When robots/computers were polite people behaved in kind. In fact, in one experiment where people were told to unplug the computer if the computer begged politely for them to not unplug…people displayed an apparent moral quandary. They’d engage in dialogue with the machine as though they were speaking with another person. Proof that likability pays, even if it’s our digital devices like Siri, Alexa, Echo or some other digital assistant. Do you say “thank you” or “please” to your digital assistant? 😉 

Politeness is a big part of being likable. It’s part of our ability and desire to connect. 

I see it every day during early morning walks. There are people I see almost daily. As we pass each other, they’ll make eye contact, smile and reply to my greeting, “Good morning.” There are other people I see almost daily who never look up, clearly wanting to avoid eye contact…and others who are looking up, but acting as though they don’t see you. Uninterested in replying to your, “Good morning” or your subtle wave. There are about 3 people who have never responded to me, but I keep greeting them. It’s a challenge to see if one day they’ll become more polite. So far, they’ve chosen not to.

I see it every day in the gym. Except there the circumstances may warrant different behavior. If a person is dialed into a weight lifting session, etiquette requires the polite thing to do is to give them space and don’t distract them. It’s interesting to watch people selfishly invade somebody’s space. Politeness fosters likability. Impoliteness (aka rudeness) fosters us being annoyed. 

I’ve never seen a person or company gain new customers, much less serve existing customers better, by annoying them. I’ve seen annoying people make a sale, but never create a happy customer, which is the first leg of hitting the trifecta of successful business building. 

It’s equally impossible to serve existing customers better without kindness, politeness and being likable. Being likable is marketable. And not just to prospects. It’s also marketable to potential employees, suppliers and anybody else we hope to attract. 

In short, being likable is attractive!

Being real, truthful, honest, forthright and human are just a few elements of being attractive. There are some elements of likability that may be less general, and more specific. When I was single, I mostly was attracted to blondes. I don’t know why. Sometimes we just like what we like. It works if we – and our company – are liked by the prospects we hope to serve. It doesn’t work at all if our likability factors aren’t congruent with the market we hope to serve. I’m attracted to candid conversation, but not everybody rolls that way. Some people are intent on keeping the mask of “I’m great, and everything is fine!” on. I’m disinterested in working with people like that, so I suspect neither of us find each other attractive. That’s fine. It works. For both of us. 

You’ve got to figure out who you’re attracted to, and who finds you attractive. It’s a big part of marketing. But for today, let me leave you with a challenge to incorporate being nice – kind, generous, polite and whatever other terms you want to incorporate into it – into your daily behavior and culture.

Be likable. Genuinely so. You’ll figure the rest of it out from there, and it may change your life and your business because it remains a competitive edge. 

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

P.S. Steven Page, one of the founding members of the BareNaked Ladies (now a solo artist), posted this a few days ago on Instagram. Fitting. “If you must, point out your politeness.”

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Deb Calvert named her company People First Productivity Solutions. Angela Maiers centers her work in education and business around the premise that you matter. No matter who you are. Claude Silver is the Chief Heart Officer at VaynerMedia, a title she crafted to replace what most folks would call “HR.” Three highly successful female achievers who all realize the power and importance of PEOPLE. 

Yes, there are some guys who feel the same way. Tim Sanders, best selling author of Love Is The Killer App does. Stanford professor (and one of my favorite business authors) Bob Sutton does, too. And so does another favorite author, Dr. Henry Cloud.

Two themes emerge in most conversations with leaders. It doesn’t matter if they’re in the business world, non-profit world, local government world, scientific world or creative world. The themes are CULTURE and COMMUNICATION. 

Bula Network, my company, is intently focused on 3 C’s – Connection, Communication, and Collaboration. They each contribute in some powerful way to a 4th C, Culture. 

And at the heart of it all are PEOPLE. Famed TV turnaround artist (The Profit), Marcus Lemonis concentrates on three things in each episode: people, process, and product. He puts people first in that list for a reason. 

There’s compelling evidence to prove that people make the single biggest difference. Bill Gurley is the number 1 venture capitalist according to CBInsights’ latest research. Like most, if not all, successful VC’s, Gurley knows the smart money invests in the founder. Here’s a Tweet he sent out last week about Zack Urlocker, a leader who has helped lead Active Software, MySQL, Zendesk and most recently Duo Security to billion dollar exits. As Gurley’s Tweet says about Urlocker, “One time might be luck. This feels like all skill.”

Hopefully, by now I’ve amply demonstrated how powerful, impactful and necessary PEOPLE are making great things happen. Yet still too many business leaders, owners and CEO’s practice quiet (sometimes, not so quiet) resentment toward people. 

I’ve read more than my share of leadership books by the likes of Jim Kouzes and Barry Posner, authors of The Leadership Challenge. Few authors have written more, or better about the topic. Bright minds like these have contributed to forming my almost-lifelong belief that…

We manage the work. We lead the people.

Why then are so many business and organizational leaders trying to manage the people?

I don’t really care why. It’s just wrongheaded. Some may not know better. Others know full well how they’re acting. And don’t care. It boils down to ego, control, and fear. That’s my intuition about it. I could be wrong. I doubt it.

Leaders can be tempted to resent the success or failure of people in their organizations. They may resent the financial investment necessary to get and retain people with top-tier abilities. One reason I fell in love with sales (commission-based sales) as a young age is that it was apparent to me that it was an endeavor where a person could earn what they’re worth. If you performed well, you could earn more than if you didn’t perform well. Don’t resent people earning what they’re worth.  

They may resent the credit other people earn. Right here in Dallas, Texas, there’s a brilliant business person, Dallas Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones, who is publicly notorious for wanting most of the credit, but in the view of some, not nearly enough blame. I don’t know him so it’s unfair to claim they’re right, but I’m empathetic to their view. Jerry is very public about his importance. And I bring him up because some leaders who practice resentment already have brought him up to me. Jerry Jones is approaching a net worth of $6 Billion. In a sport where success is measured in Super Bowls, his teams have won 3, the last one in 1996. The team hasn’t been all that successful in the last 20 years. I might argue (and I have) that Jones may have achieved greater financial and on-the-field success by curbing some of that arrogance and pride. 

In all the words that have been published, and spoken and all the research that’s been done on LEADERSHIP, nobody has yet to list resentment as an effective trait. For good reason. It leads to jealousy, bitterness and often hatred. Much of the time the focal point of it is PEOPLE. And for top leaders, most often people very important to the operation.

Conflict and debate can be good things fostering creative solution. Innovation is a by-product of positive, vigorous debate. But resentment fosters strife. It breeds contempt. Those are not forces for good. Much less greatness. 

You can do two things to help yourself and your organization when it comes to managing your own resentment of others. Don’t resent failure. Instead, be determined to serve in ways to turn it around to success IF YOU CAN. It’s not always possible. Sometimes people just don’t fit. Or perform as well as we need them to. Your job is to provide them the best opportunity to perform at their highest levels. Hire well. Fire only after you’ve exhausted doing your part. 

Don’t resent success. Celebrate it. Understand you are the chief recipient of it. Any and all success of the people inside your organization is your success. Nurture more of it. From everybody and anybody. Make success the habit of everybody in the company. Take pride in knowing the part you played, but take bigger pride in knowing these people did it as part of your team.

When you feel tempted to practice resentment toward somebody else, particularly somebody with whom you work, ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way toward them?” It’s going to boil down to you resenting their failure or their success. Handle it accordingly, but appropriately. Lead people. Manage the work.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

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If you’re new to the podcast, welcome. For businesses, I focus on helping entrepreneurs hit the trifecta of business building: 1) getting new customers, 2) serving existing customers better and 3) not going crazy in the process. Today’s show is about that third leg of the trifecta. 

In the last 48 hours or so Ohio State head football coach has encountered some major trouble regarding a longtime assistant coach on his staff who it seems habitually abused his wife. Ohio State has put the head coach, Urban Meyer, on paid leave while they investigate his role in hiring and keeping a known abuser. Just another case of seemingly low integrity behavior. 

Compromising morals, ethics and even legality can tempt any of us. Maybe high achievers more than most. The pressure to stay at the top is intense. I’m sure coach Meyer, who delivered one national championship to Ohio State was annually feeling the pressure to repeat the performance. I’m not excusing it, but I’m not naive enough to act like it can’t happen to you, or me. We can all fall prey to foolishness because these temptations can cause our compass to spin out of control. We lose our bearings when we surrender to poor behavior. Low integrity activities take a heavy toll. Coach Meyer may not survive this ordeal. 

From sexual misconduct to cooking the books, from illegal hiring practices to paying people in cash off the books…there are many paths to low integrity practices. Greed and ego provide much of the fuel. The proof is found in the powerful people who have suffered great falls, likely because they felt their power would prevent them from ever suffering for their foolishness. 

I could approach the topic from a conviction or faith perspective, but let’s just approach it from a practical, business viewpoint. Yes, I’m going to make a few simple assumptions. For starters, I assume you’re uninterested in breaking the law. Secondly, I assume you don’t find pleasure in living on the edge, wondering if the IRS or FBI or some other governmental agency is going to come knocking. 

Doing the right thing is always right. I’ll assume you agree with that, or you’re at least open to it. I hope so. For instance, a man who will cheat on his wife will certainly cheat me if I’m doing business with him. Yet so many people live as though they think a person is a “good” person, even when that person (in this case the cheating husband) does something “bad.” I’m not talking about perfect people because none of us are. But I am talking about people committed to good, decent, ethical and moral behavior. And I choose to think most of us prefer to live that way, even if we sometimes slip up. 

Rather than focus on the pain that our poor behavior might cause, let’s flip it around and focus on the wonderful benefits of behaving with the highest integrity. 

Weight loss advocates have long used a moniker that resonates with folks trying to drop some weight. “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.” There’s no debating that many (if not most) things that are bad for weight control (or loss) taste pretty terrific. But the saying emphasizes the longer term over the short-term. Go eat a bucket of your favorite ice cream and it’s pretty stinking wonderful. It just doesn’t last very long. But the 4,500 calories you consumed will remain with you long after your taste buds have been satisfied. So it is with low integrity versus high integrity behavior. The price is too high, and just not worth it. 

Urban Meyer can have just about any assistant coach he wants. Why tolerate having a man on your staff who beats his wife? Frienship? Loyalty? Why would a leader compromise his own integrity and put his own career at risk for such poor behavior? I can’t say with certainty, but I’ve got some ideas. 

One, we don’t think we’ll be found out. We can be tempted to make a poor choice because we don’t think it’ll matter. Nobody will find out. Besides, in the case of this football coach, it’s not OUR behavior. Guilt by association? He probably felt that wasn’t likely. 

Two, hiding is easy when you’re a leader. As the person in charge, you’ve got privileges that you take for granted. Credibility, authority, power. And this likely provoked the football coach to think, “I’ll just leave well enough alone. I don’t want to open up a can of worms here.”

Three, we want what we want, when we want it. In a word, it’s selfishness. It’s about us. We want the money, the advantage, the benefit. It can blind us to the realities of negative consequences because we’re so focused on the benefit. Like that bucket of ice cream…it tastes so good. And when our waistline expands, we’ll just buy bigger pants.

Courage of Your Convictions

It’s Friday so we may as well ruminate about some highly valuable long-term things, right? 

You have convictions. How negotiable are they? Will you compromise them? Ever? Think more seriously about them. Is there anything that can influence you to surrender a conviction? A circumstance that might cause you to violate it?

The other day I was watching an episode of The Homicide Hunter. The show was about a guy whose drug addiction provoked criminal behavior, eventually murder. The star of the show, Colorado Springs homicide detective Lt. Joe Kenda said this, about illegal drug use, “So what’s the answer? Don’t start. Don’t start. And you’ll never be faced with the question, ‘How do I stop?'”

The same could be said about compromising our integrity. I’m betting coach Meyer wishes he’d never hired a guy who beat his wife. I’m betting all the big time corporate leaders who have fallen recently due to improper conduct wish they’d never started down whatever path led to their fall. Sexual harassment. Spousal abuse. Employee abuse. Unethical and immoral behavior require a price. A cost. And it’s often much, much higher than we ever thought possible. 

Perhaps the key, besides what Lt. Kenda says, “Don’t start,” is to forget about the short-term gain. If we pass on eating the bucket of ice cream we forego a few minutes of tasting something great. But we also forego adding more inches to our waist, creating something we’ll have to live with much longer than a few minutes. And the pain we’ll have to endure to get rid of those inches is a really high price for momentary pleasure. 

Peace and sanity (used strictly in the everyday slang way we all use it) aren’t worth giving up. Our lives are hard enough facing the ordinary everyday stuff that comes our way. Why make life more difficult? Why add more worry to our lives? Those are just practical truths that we each need to think about more seriously, especially if we’re wrestling with some decision where we’re questioning, “Is this the right thing to do?” 

Hint: If you ask yourself that question, give serious consideration to quickly kicking it to the curb. That way you can avoid the temptation to do something foolish and stupid. It’s why I end each show with 3 admonitions. The second one speaks to the topic at hand.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

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Daily I see headlines (click bait) and posts declaring why high achievers aren’t like the rest of us. I don’t argue that high achiever, of whom I like I think I’m sometimes among, behave differently in some important, but perhaps subtle ways. But there are so many myths being foisted on us daily I felt compelled today to help you avoid feeling pressure to be somebody or something you’re not. 

We’re all prone to read headlines, but sometimes the content isn’t any better than the headline. We’re swamped with mythical facts.

Just this week I’ve seen things like these:

• 8 Ways Successful Entrepreneurs Are Different
• How The Strongest Leaders Do Twice As Much In Half The Time
• 4 Productivity Hacks Of Successful Entrepreneurs

You get the drift. You see the same headlines and articles I do. 

If we’re to believe the truths of all these we’d quickly find many of them are contradictory. Proving they can’t all be accurate. 

If you check out my about page and scroll to the bottom you’ll see my philosophy pretty simply stated…

But I’m not naive. I’ve known business owners who don’t care one thing about that first line, “Be honest.” While I’d love to make a declaration that dishonesty doesn’t pay, but it does. Crime alone proves it does. The illicit drug business is proof. The last comprehensive study done on the scope of the drug trade may have been done in 2003, when it was estimated that the drug trade is $320 billion annually. That was fifteen years ago! There have been some interesting data collected on the global drug trade, but suffice to say – it’s ginormous! And it’s anything but honest.

Here in north central Texas, we have roofing companies that descend like locusts when a hail storm moves through. Texas doesn’t require any certifications for roofing companies so any hack with a pickup truck can pose as one. Some are grossly incompetent. Others aren’t honest. So much for my second line, “Always be competent.”

As for giving more and making it right, well, you’ve encountered numerous customer experiences yourself to know how untrue that often is. My business philosophy is how I choose to do business. It’s my view of the world, or how it should be. But it’s not the only way of doing business. I happen to think it’s the right way. 

I know CEO’s who are staunch to do list people. They make lists and more lists. They’re high achievers who wouldn’t imagine doing business without a written list of what they need to accomplish. And I know other CEO’s, equally successful, who don’t write down anything. Tethering them to a to-do list would never work. 

Some CEO’s are outgoing, high energy and loud. Others are shy, downright bashful, introverted and so soft-spoken you have to lean forward to catch what they say. Both ilks can and often do achieve insane success. 

There just isn’t one way to climb the pinnacle of success or high achievement. Find somebody who does it one way, and I’ll find somebody doing it completely the opposite. 

So what’s the point?

The point is my encounter with some business owners who feel the pressure to comply and fit the mold. What with all the preaching about how it’s done I fear some business owners don’t embrace the value of forging their own path. It comes home to you when a business owner who tells you she’s not a morning person, and never has been, but she’s read so many things about early morning risers and success. She’s trying to get up at 5:30am and it’s not working out for her at all. I ask, “Why?” (as you know my favorite question)

She doesn’t know. She thinks it’s something she should adopt and incorporate into her life. She fears if she doesn’t do it now, she’ll never be able to. “And what will you be missing?” I ask. She doesn’t know, but she’s fearful she’ll be missing something. I’ve seen this a lot over the past decade – people fooled by productivity hacks that are anything but productive for the way they need to live their life. 

One size doesn’t fit all.

If you want to try something – some FACT – then fine. But stop putting pressure on yourself to adjust to some mythical truth, thinking it’ll provide some simpler path toward higher performance. 

Just this week a friend Tweeted an article from Forbe’s (a very credible source), 7 Things Wildly Successful People Do Before 7:30 a.m. I clicked it when he Tweeted it and got to the first thing and thought, “Well, so much for my success!” Number 1 was “they drink lemon water.” Lemon water? Lemonade maybe. How about Dr. Pepper I thought? The good news is I pretty much do the others quite regularly. Guess I need to jump on that lemon water. It’s likely the missing ingredient to my being WILDLY successful. Who knew?

I’ve been in the business world since I was about 16. And I’m now old. I know CEO’s of multi-billion dollar publicly traded corporations. I know Ph.D. university professors. I know high school drop out business owners. Young. Old. Men. Women. Highly educated. Barely educated. Shy. Outgoing. Easily engaged. Hard to engage. I’ve yet to meet a superhuman. And I’m a voracious reader, too…meaning I’ve encountered lots of smart, bright and wise people. But superhuman? Nope. 

Some people have had careers that were sorta linear. Others whose careers have taken dozens of left turns followed by many right turns. And we’ve all encountered our share of speed bumps, potholes, and roadblocks along the way. Not a superhuman among us!

Here’s the good news. Your success doesn’t hinge on you being superhuman. More often than not, they more likely hinge on you being HUMAN. But that’s admittedly my bias. I think people matter. Further proof that there’s more than one way to do things…I know some very tyrannical, people-don’t-matter business owners who do quite well. 

Do YOU. Be YOU. Yes, give it the effort to be the best version of YOU. Yes, try some new things. But stop putting pressure on yourself to adopt every strategy, tactic or hack you read about. The media will continue to spew forth platitudes of what it takes to succeed. You and I both already know the biggest part of it is determination and pushing through. As business owners and leaders, we’ve got enough obstacles to overcome without the distractions of thinking we’ve got to measure up to some list of traits imposed on us as “truths” or “facts.” 

Craft your own truths. Do what works for you. Follow your convictions, your heart, and your effectiveness.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

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Werner Herzog plays a terrific villain in the movie, Jack Reacher.  His character survived a Siberian prison camp because he was willing to do what others weren’t. Here’s 2: 34-minute clip just in case you’re not familiar with the scene. 

Business survival is largely based on determination. It’s why you hear me regularly encourage you with an optimistic statement, “You’ll figure it out.” And you will — if you’re dedicated to the effort. 

Not everybody is. 

No, this isn’t about your willingness to chew off your fingers, but it is about doing what you can to successfully face your fears. That may be one reason why many of us are pretty good at helping others with their challenges. We can clearly see how somebody else may be stuck, and even have great suggestions on ways to become unstuck. But we look at ourselves and we’re stymied. Fear isn’t part of our awareness about what others can do to conquer their problems. It’s a major player in our own problems though. 

It’s why our willingness to help each other is critical to helping us figure out what we’re willing to do to survive, and thrive. It helps to have a fearless perspective. 

Think harder about that scene from Jack Reacher. The guy seemingly can avoid being shot and killed if he’s willing to do something unthinkable. The villain doesn’t understand it. Your fingers for your life seems like an easy choice. When you’re not the one with the gun to your head. 

Desperation works. 

Some years ago I recalled an event with my daughter, who was about 3 years old at the time. I entitled it, How To Market Like You’ve Lost Your Daughter In The Mall. The point of that is not much different than today’s point. When one fear is greater than another we tend to take action. That’s what makes the Jack Reacher scene so disturbing and powerful. But we can all likely relate because the man is facing two terrible, fear-filled outcomes. Chewing his own fingers off. Being shot in the head. I’m sure he was wishing for a third, less gruesome choice. But he wasn’t offered one. Sometimes we’re not offered a more appealing choice either. 

When I lost my daughter in the mall, the fear of losing her overrode everything else. That moment of desperation created panic. Panic drove me to not care one little bit what anybody thought, what they may be saying about me, or anything else. I simply lost every bit of fear I may have otherwise had because the greater fear drove me. Fear of not finding my little girl. 

Do a mental exercise. The Jack Reacher villain is confronting you about the thing you most need to do, but you’re afraid. I don’t know what it is, but you do. Think of that one thing right now. The thing you most need to accomplish, but for some reason, you’re delaying, halting and hesitating. You’re afraid. And maybe you have no idea why you’re afraid. You don’t even know what you’re afraid of. You just don’t want to do it. You dread it. 

Got it?

Now, you’ve got this awful man with a scary accent challenging you to do it. He’s asking you, “What are you willing to do to survive?” By his side stands a man holding a pistol, poised to fire the moment the boss says. It’s the moment of truth for you. What are you going to do?

This is where I’ll turn the mirror on myself. As I watched this little clip – after watching the movie on TV – I thought about myself and my current big business goal of forming 2 groups of 7 SMB entrepreneurs. Within seconds I scribbled this down on a paper, “14 days to 7 people.” Enrolling 7 SMB entrepreneurs within 14 days seems to me like chewing your fingers off. Unreasonable. Beyond comprehension. Not enrolling 7, but doing it within such a compressed time frame. And I’ll let you in on a secret – well, if you listen to me much you know it’s not a secret at all because the one comment I get most from people is a question, “Are you selling anything?” 😉 I don’t mind selling at all, but when it comes to selling myself…I hate it. The business side of me understands and embraces the art. I’ve done it all my life. Successfully. But a decade ago when I hung my shingle out as a solopreneur where I was the product and service, it suddenly became pretty daunting. Personal. So when I wrote down “14 days to 7 people” it just seemed like I may as well challenge myself to build a rocket to Mars. 

But the more I thought about it the more it dawned on me…I bet I’d find a way. Like looking for a 3-year-old little girl, whatever fears hold me back would vanish. I added pressure on the situation though, in keeping with the movie scene. I imagined this bad man threatening my family. Not me.

What if he challenged me to enroll 7 SMB entrepreneurs in 14 days or he’d kill my family? 

True confession. In less than 14 days I’d launch 7 SMB entrepreneurs into the first group of THE PEER ADVANTAGE. I’d do whatever it took. Nothing reasonable or unreasonable would prevent it. I admit it. I also admit I don’t fully understand it. The fear that is. 

But I know it’s real. The fear this man had in trying to chew off his fingers was real. No matter that it was illogical compared to being killed. Fear challenges the number one ingredient we need for achievement and success – willingness. 

It’s less about conquering fear as it is moving forward in spite of it. In other words, the lesson today is to just do it anyway! 

So here goes. Are you a small business owner? Do you see any value in being part of a group of 7 who can join together with safety, security and compassion (no judgment) to help each other dive deeper into these things that hold us back? Do you crave a safe space where you can openly share things like I just shared with you about myself? A place where the only goal is to help you figure things out faster, so you can take your business and your life to new heights of success? Then I want you to call my cell phone at (214) 682-2467. When I answer, just say, “THE PEER ADVANTAGE” and I’ve got a special surprise for you. 

Now, go pay the price. The good news is you’ll survive no matter what. Because what you’re afraid of isn’t a matter of life and death. Call me and I’ll help you. Remember, just say, “THE PEER ADVANTAGE.” 

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

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I thought about first diving into how to deliver criticism, but getting criticism is much more universal. Not all of us are prone to give it. All of us are experienced in getting it though. 

Here are 3 critical considerations:

1. Who gives it. Do we respect this person? Do we trust them? Do they have honorable motives? Are they trying to be helpful or hurtful?
2. How they give it. Is it caustic? Does it have any compassion in it? Is the timing appropriate? Is it more about them, and less about helping us?
3. What they give. Do they accurately understand us? Are they being fair? Is it congruent with our strengths? Are they extending appropriate grace?

People who take action are going to be criticized. I grew up hearing folks offer this bit of wisdom. Only the people who do nothing avoid criticism. But that’s not really true because they get criticized for doing nothing. Life has taught me they likely receive less than those of us trying to accomplish something. Mostly because the folks doing nothing have time and opportunity to be part of the critical crowd. Mark it down…there are always going to be more people armed with rocks than those of us dodging the rocks. Quite simply, we’re outnumbered. That’s why I’ve owned a particular joke domain for years, SurroundedByNinnies.com. 😀 

Criticism stings. We prefer to think the best of ourselves and what we’re doing. Now we may second-guess ourselves. Self-criticism can be the harshest of all, but because it’s self-inflicted we’re okay with it. I can talk about my family, but you’d better not dare say anything negative. It’s like that. 

I’m not a big fan of the term, “criticism” but I don’t prefer the political correctness of being overly polite. Wisdom requires good filters, but things are clearly out of hand when we can’t just say what we mean and mean what we say for fear somebody is going to…a’hem, criticize us! Feedback is a more polite word and I intentionally avoided using it. 

Criticism is simply a review, an observation, an analysis, an evaluation of something. Yes, we mostly think of criticism as being negative, but even perceived negative criticism can have a profoundly positive impact. 

I was 16 years old working in a hi-fi stereo store. The company sold stereo gear on one side the store and photography gear on the other. Separate sales staffs. I was on the stereo side. The store was opening a brand new location at the new mall opening up. For the grand open it was all hands on deck and those of us working at the mothership store were dispatched to go help. Crowds were big and it was a fun time. I greeted an older man who entered the store. He asked about some specific camera gear. I told him I didn’t work in that department but invited him to follow me and we’d find out the answer to his question. Across the store, I spotted Don, the General Manager of the company, my boss. I said to Don, “This guy is looking for X, do we carry that?” Don said, “I’ll be happy to help you,” and away they went. 

I continued to help other people. At some point when I was free and Don was free he motioned me to come toward him. He asked me to follow him to the stock room. I sensed something may be wrong. Don was always very calm and respectful. As a boss, I knew his intentions were always to help me. He said, “Randy, do you remember bringing me the customer looking for X?” I said I did remember. “Do you remember what you said?” Now my brain was racing. I was going over the entire thing as quickly as I could. I knew I had made some mistake, but for the life of me, I had no idea what I had done. Don said, “Our shoppers are ‘gentlemen’ not ‘guys.'” And BAM! There it was. I had approached Don and said, “This guy is looking for X.” I should have said, “This gentleman is looking for X.” 

Don said, “Just remember that.” And that was over 40 years ago. I just told you, proving I never forgot it. 

If I put Don’s criticism to the test, it passes with flying colors. I respected him and he respected me. I trusted him. He was trying to help me improve. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. He wasn’t caustic or harsh. He waited until both of us were free. He took me into a private space. He had accurately assessed the event. He was fair and didn’t misrepresent what I said, or did. He was gracious. 

Yes, I felt foolish. I knew better. I always said ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’ to shoppers. I always thanked shoppers. Don knew I was polite and respectful. But at that moment I didn’t think about my word choice. That word choice was important to Don and the reputation he wanted our stores to earn. It immediately resonated and made sense to me. 

Hundreds of retail employees have heard me recite that story and train them in a similar fashion. Perhaps it seems like too small of a detail, but it’s a powerful difference – a guy versus a gentleman. 

What if Don was a jerk, somebody I didn’t respect? It probably would have gone much differently. And I would have run the risk of losing out on a great lesson that would have helped me. 

Let’s start with our 3 critical components and permit me to make a suggestion on how you can improve accepting criticism. Start with that 3rd thing – WHAT. Instead of focusing on who and how to focus on the what because that’s where the value is if there is any. And I’m not saying all criticism has value. But we can put it to the test.

Jerry Jones owns the Dallas Cowboys. His son, Stephen is a VP and was being interviewed last week about the team. During the interview, he remarked that they were hopeful quarterback Dak Prescott would have his best year yet. Last year, Stephen said, Dez Bryant (a wide receiver who is no longer on the team) and Jason Witten (a tight end who retired to join Monday Night Football for ESPN) were in Dak’s ear, as most stars are who want the quarterback to throw them the ball. It wasn’t a disparaging remark in the least, but the ninnies on Twitter started throwing gasoline in the fire as though Stephen Jones was dissing Dez Bryant, who has yet to land with any team. Dez went scorched earth and began a litany of Tweets toward the Cowboys and his old teammates. It was pretty clear Dez didn’t even hear what Stephen said. If he had focused on the WHAT, he may have avoided making a fool of himself. Maybe not, but he could have at least given himself the chance to behave with more wisdom. 

“You suck,” is a common blunt “criticism” we hear. WHAT is really being said? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So it doesn’t pass the WHAT test. That means it’s best to dismiss it. Ignore it and move on. 

Sometimes the WHAT is more precise though and it can be tough to know what to do with it. A person approaches us and begins to make suggestions on how we could have better handles a meeting or presentation. They may say, “That third slide was a bit confusing. Fewer words on a single slide may have been more impactful or splitting that slide up into about 3 so it wasn’t quite so busy.” Don’t jump to component number 1, WHO. This is where we often miss the value of criticism that could help us. We instantly get overly emotional and think, “Who are you to tell me anything?” Instead, discipline yourself to stay focused on WHAT is being suggested. 

Listen. Without being defensive. Just listen. Ask questions to get clarification if necessary. Solicit more details if you want. But remain attuned to WHAT. 

“How do you think I might have made that 3rd slide more impactful?” Don’t be snotty. Be genuine. WHAT they tell you may be valid. It may not be. But you won’t know until or unless you understand their criticism. Get whatever details they’re willing to offer.

Thank them. That’s not consenting that you agree. Nor is it defensive so they know you disagree. It’s gracious and polite, which is what you want from them. Even if they don’t give it, your job is to be the leader. Show the way. 

Give yourself time. You can weigh whether or not their feedback helps you or not. It’s just their observation, but it may be valid. It may not be. No reason to disregard it though until you’ve considered what you want to do with it. Give yourself the opportunity to use it for your own benefit. 

For you, the only gauge should be whether or not you agree that their feedback can be used for your own improvement. Don’t get clouded with extraneous details. It doesn’t matter if they love you or hate you. If they have an ax to grind with you, or not. It doesn’t matter if they gave you the feedback with a less than gracious tone. Look past all that to concentrate on making the WHAT of it is worthy of some consideration. If it’s not, fine. But if it is, then you’ve just chosen to find improvement you may not have otherwise experienced. 

Lastly, don’t get angry. And if you do, don’t show it. It won’t help you. This is about you growing great. Anger doesn’t fuel greatness…well, at least that kind doesn’t. 

Instead, embrace level-headed conversation and dialogue. Listen to help yourself! The objective is for you to remain focused on how you can best benefit from this criticism, or to determine if you can. Pitch everything else aside and forget it because it doesn’t serve you. 

Remember, how you choose to feel or think is entirely up to you. Don’t acquiesce that to the person offering you criticism. Own your own thoughts and feelings by taking control of them.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

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