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Look around. At your friends. At the people who surround you. The people with whom you interact the most. These people who influence your life. These people with whom you spend much or most of your time.

Echoing the law of averages, motivational speaker Jim Rohn said that we’re the average of our 5 closest friends. It’s also been said that if you show somebody your closest friends they’ll be able to show you your future.

Humans are more complex than that. It’s not so cut and dried. It’s not a certainty either.

Associations matter. The compelling proof is found in all of our lives.

We raise our children to make friends with good kids, not troublemakers. When they become teenagers we want them to guard their hearts so they don’t fall in with “the wrong crowd.”

1 Corinthians 15:33 “Be not deceived: Evil companionships corrupt good morals.”

We’re deceived if we disbelieve it. We can’t be closely associated with people expecting they’ll have no impact or influence on us. Especially the people who don’t want our best.

Jordan B. Peterson noted intellectual, included rule number 3 in his book, 12 Rules For Life: An Antidote To Chaos —“Make friends with people who want the best for you.”

Writes Peterson, “Friendship is a reciprocal arrangement…you should choose people who want things to be better, not worse.”

Of course, the challenge is knowing what’s better. And what’s worse. That can be our first deception – not knowing the difference.

Peterson continues…

“If you surround yourself with people who support your upward aim, they will not tolerate your cynicism and destructiveness. They will instead encourage you when you do good for yourself and others and punish you carefully when you do not.”

Upward aim. Growth. Improvement.

Destructiveness. Damage. Ruin. Loss.

Good.

Bad.

First, we must decide what we want. It’s unlikely – if not impossible – that anything will be improved until we first make up our minds that THAT is what we want.

Good doesn’t just happen. We have to seek it. Crave it deeply enough that we commit to it.

Bad does just happen. It’s easy requiring only self-centeredness. Selfishness. Disregard for others.

Bad habits occur when we just stop paying attention and do nothing. Not so with good habits. They demand higher intentions and dedicated effort. It’s the difference in building something or in letting entropy happen. Nobody is earning a degree in Entropy, but there are degrees in Architecture.

Have you decided to grow, improve and aim higher?

Good. Then you’re ready to not only help yourself but others. Look for people who want the best for themselves and others, too. People who have made up their minds just as you have. That common bond is where it has to start.

Sounds good, but is it real? Not always. Plenty of folks are able to talk a big game. Actions show you reality.

Gauge people by how they behave and the choices they make. You’ll quickly learn who wants their best and your best, too. Just remember, they’re paying attention to you, too. Judging you with the same judgment. So be sure you’ve made up your mind that you want to aim higher for yourself AND others. Behave accordingly.

After you’ve made up your mind subtraction is likely necessary. You have people in your life who aren’t that interested in your best. They may not even be interested in their own improvement or growth, except financially. You’re looking for people who value other things more highly than money or financial success. Personal and professional growth may include financial success, but friends who want your best and who want the best for themselves (and others) don’t think so shallowly.

You likely have some people in your life who are in trouble. People not doing well. I’m not talking about people in poor health or some other circumstance that isn’t the result of bad behavior. I’m talking about people of whom you must ask (as Dr. Peterson says in his book), “Why are they in trouble?” This isn’t a judgmental thing, but it is a discernment thing. The drug addict has his reasons, but mostly they’re excuses. He’s in trouble because of a string of poor choices and bad behavior. Your response to him is up to you. That’s an extreme. Your life is likely full of people where it’s more difficult.

How are you going to measure the value of others helping you take a higher aim for yourself and the others in your life?

That’s for you to decide. You have to think about it. Soberly. Carefully.

Get to the heart of your relationship. You’ll find sometimes the relationships seem quite one-sided. Make sure you’re seeing it as it truly is and not with some self-centered bias.

I’m very prone to help others. Before you think I’m being all high and noble let me explain. Advising, counseling and helping people figure it out gives me some very intrinsic rewards. I go searching for such opportunities without any expectations.

In time my behavior drives up the expectations of some. They grow to expect me to continue to jump because it’s what I’ve chosen to do. That’s entirely on me. Nobody has ever pointed a gun at me and threatened me to do something for them. I doubt they ever will. Of my own free will I’ve chosen to do whatever it is I have done for people.

There comes a time when I must weigh the value proposition. Quite often the value proposition stops working for me because gratitude breaks down while expectations soar. So I’ve tried to learn something that has never come easily for me – asking for and accepting help from others. It’s become my barometer as I’ve learned how to remedy my previous failings. That is, changing my behavior so I don’t corrupt what might otherwise have been a more profitable reciprocal relationship.

I’m only sharing what works for me. You have to decide for yourself what works for you. My barometer is pretty simple these days. Two factors. The first is gratitude. When gratitude is absent or slipping, I’m out. The second factor is my asking for help but only after repeated consistent help I’ve given. When it’s not readily extended, I’m out.

Those are 2 easy barometers I’ve chosen to make my own decisions about who wants my best and the best for others, including me. My experiences have taught me that people who lack gratitude aren’t people who can help me with my own upward aim. My experiences have also taught me that people for whom I’ve given consistent help – if they’re unwilling or reluctant to help me when I clearly state my request, then they’re never going to notice the times I may need help, but am unable to ask.

You can’t add value until you subtract those things that diminish it. That’s why subtraction is first necessary. Stop the hurting before you start the healing.

I employ those same 2 barometers for adding people. It takes time. It’s not nearly as easy as subtracting. For many, the hard part of subtracting is deciding then executing. Loyalty, family, friendship – there are lots of things that can get in the way. I get it. Professionally it’s easier. Personally, it can be ridiculously hard.

Finding people who truly are taking an upward aim – people seeking to do good for themselves and others – isn’t an easy task. You can find people willing to say that’s their aim, but finding people really putting in the work…much harder.

Why do you think it should be easier? Accomplishment, achievement, and success aren’t easy. The people driven by such things are rare. Not because of any innate lack, but because most don’t have the resolve, determination or willingness to sacrifice.

The tough going is when I’ve most seen my 2 barometers come to life. When a person’s drive is really tested, that’s when the truth emerges. About ourselves. And others.

All of my subtractions have happened during such times because that’s when I was able to see clearly the impact others were having on my life – and how my impact was no longer really serving to help them become better. It rubs both ways. Remember, it’s reciprocal.

Let me wrap this up with some action items that might help you take a higher upward aim.

Step 1 – Look in the mirror.

You may not see yourself clearly this way, but you have to start with self-examination. Don’t focus on anybody else. Or anything else. Just take square aim at YOU.

Gauge your aim. Is it really upward or is it inward? Selfishness is a hard thing to overcome. Make sure you’re not being selfish in what you want.

Step 2 – Make up your mind.

Upward aim. Growth. Improvement. Doing well. Make up your mind that those are the things you’re seeking. Remember, they all have a cost. And it’s not a cost most are willing to make. It demands the heart of a builder – a person committed to their own life architecture. And to help others architect their own improved lives, too.

Step 3 – Prove it.

Now put in the work. Don’t just talk the talk.

Step 4 – While you’re proving it, find others who are also proving it.

Here’s the trick. Finding people who are proving it is harder than finding people who make the claim. But you know how easy it is to make the claim yourself. That’s why step 3 precedes step 4. You have to get busy proving it yourself before you can accurately gauge others who are also proving it.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

Randy

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Happy Valentine’s Day.

I know. An odd thing for business. But not really.

All business is comprised of both head and heart. Well, to be fair and accurate — it’s all head stuff. Brain stuff. That’s where all the heart stuff happens. We tend to think of it in more simplistic terms though. Head is logic. Heart is emotion. It’s not that simple though. Or that binary.

Leadership gaps are often the result of heart stuff. Human relationship stuff. Feelings. Emotions. They can help us make fast progress. Or they can stymie us like quicksand.

So on Valentine’s Day 2020 it feels right – that’s right, it FEELS right – to focus on heart stuff in our work lives.

CEOs need a big heart. So do all top-level leaders. Because without it service doesn’t exist and value isn’t delivered.

Ego and pride can be the most destructive powers against effective leadership. We can believe we’re more important than we really are. Self-importance kicks in and suddenly we discount others around us. Their opinions aren’t nearly as sharp as ours. Their experiences are less relevant. Their ideas are often foolish. Or so we think. All because we’ve inflated our own value and lessened the value of everybody around us. It’s a heart problem that can kill our career (and our organization) every bit as much as a physical heart attack can kill us.

Insecurity. That’s often the culprit of our heart problems. How else might you explain a CEO or top-level leader diminishing others who provide no threat to their position or authority? The urge to be the smartest person in the room can be extraordinarily high in people who hold high positions. Nevermind that nobody in the room presents any kind of clear and present danger to their authority. Nevermind that by opening themselves up to the opinions, insights and experiences of others their leadership “power” could be dramatically enhanced.

The heart frequently experiences fear. And that’s what’s going on here. Fear. Fear of losing the position. Fear of failing. Fear of not being the smartest person. Fear of looking bad. Fear of not being the person who comes up with the answer. Fear of not knowing the answer before anybody else. Fear run amock.

Fear crushes the heart potential of many would-be-exceptional leaders. They don’t know how to manage their fear in productive ways to prevent them from getting in their own – and everybody else’s – way.

This is why I talk so much about compassion. While others enjoy focusing on empathy, compassion is the traction that makes empathy go. Say you have empathy and I have no way to know until or unless I see your compassion. That’s deeply heart stuff. It’s also the stuff of extremely high performing individuals, groups and teams.

Forty-plus years of business experience has taught me that the victories don’t go to the brightest, most educated, most technically savvy, most talented or even the hardest working. No, the victories go to the groups or teams that can leverage the power of the room. Groups and teams led by a leader intent on making everybody in the room better.

It’s not some ego-less leader, but rather it’s a heart-led leader who understands that the people have roadblocks, speedbumps and other obstacles that only he or she can remove because only they have the authority to help the team go faster! How much faster depends on the leader’s willingness to rely on others. The more dependent they are on others, the faster it can all go. That’s how powerful the heart is in business.

Let me leave you with some questions.

What are you afraid of? Why are you so unwilling to listen – carefully listen – to people in your organization or to customers or to suppliers or anybody else who might be able to provide some insights?

Why are you threatened by their input? What do you think they may rob you of?

Today is Friday and it’s Valentine’s Day. People are looking into their hearts for all sort of romantic reasons. And that’s a good thing. But spend some time looking into your heart for reasons that may be dramatically impacting your career — or your leadership.

Dig deep. Look hard at why you’re doing what you’re doing. And why you’re failing to do other things that might benefit you, your team and your organization.

The tagline of the podcast isn’t merely a clever tagline. It’s the truth.

Helping Leaders Make Better Decisions Faster | Helping People Leverage The Power Of Others

Business is all about leverage. We work very hard to gain some leverage. To build momentum. Not in a manipulative way, but in a way that gives us a competitive advantage. We want to win in the market. Winning isn’t easy. It demands effort, but effort that is correctly aimed. And well-executed.

Leaders have no greater leverage than their ability to help others perform better. Not by constraint. Not through tyranny. But through compassion.

So let’s wrap up today’s special episode and this week with a single word. A verb. A heart term. One that can make you a better leader. A better business person. A more accomplished professional.

CARE.

Make up your mind right now to care more about how you’re serving the people around you. Give more. Take less.

Listen more. Talk less.

Open your heart – and your mind – to the viewpoints, insights and opinions of others. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but it means by listening to them you’ll foster within your team the permission they crave to more deeply participate. The ideas will get better. The team’s performance will, too. Along with your leadership.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

Randy

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“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”  – Aesop

The return we get – let’s start out thinking about ourselves because that’s what we tend to do anyway (put ourselves first) – from kindness is immeasurable. Never mind the benefit we can provide to others.

Then why is compassion so rare?

“No one has ever become poor by giving.”   – Anne Frank

In a word: pride.

Pride gets in our way. It’s the kryptonite for everybody.

Self.

That’s another word you may be better able to relate with. We put too much emphasis on ourselves and not enough on others. Culture fuels it, too.

If you don’t take care of yourself, who will?

I’m even guilty, having been a longtime fan of Jack Welch’s statement, “Control your destiny or somebody else will.” I’m re-thinking that these days, just so you know.

In one context (perhaps others) it’s wise. It means, “be responsible.” Don’t wait for somebody to do it for you. Don’t sit back, doing nothing, hoping others will rescue you. That’s not a good or wise way to go through life.

But on the other hand, it diminishes the value others can bring. It may spark us to isolate ourselves thinking we alone have to do it all. And that makes us critical of others because we’ve now elevated our own view of ourselves. We’re clearly the most important person on the planet – in our minds.

That’s why judgment is easy. We can easily and quickly spot the deficiencies in others while our glaring weaknesses can go unnoticed. Your weaknesses make me feel better about myself, but that better feeling is like an illegal drug. It’s short-term gain with long-term pain.

It doesn’t make me a better human. It does nothing to help you. It won’t improve me. Instead, it stunts my growth and helps me remain stuck in my self-centeredness.

Then, you’re gonna go post terrific pics of your vacation or some other trip. I’m gonna see your Instagram and Facebook posts. Jealousy is going to soar. My life isn’t so grand. I can’t afford to make that trip. My life doesn’t measure up. Bitterness and resentment settle into a comfortable place in my mind.

How am I supposed to exhibit compassion when your life appears so much better than mine?

Again, it boils down to pride and self. I’m looking at your life – and all the other lives around me – through the lens of my own life. The constant state of comparison prevents me from feeling or displaying compassion.

Compassion doesn’t cost. It gives. To everybody.

Pride’s payoff isn’t nearly as great. But pride promises the big payday. Which is why we can so easily lean into it. By putting the attention on ourselves maybe we’re deluded into thinking others will pay us more attention. Self-promotion and all that.

This isn’t about avoiding putting our best foot forward. Or for those comfortable doing so, it’s not about avoiding self-promotion. The issue is whether or not we’ll incorporate compassion into our daily habits.

Humility and compassion provide fuel for so many positive things in our lives – and in the lives of others with whom we interact. Connection and communication are greatly enhanced. Both are hindered when compassion is missing. That alone ought to make us think more soberly about how we can increase compassion in our lives.

Compassion is missing when these qualities are absent:

• Humility
• Curiosity
• Empathy
• Open-mindedness
• Cooperation

Guess what else is missing when these qualities are absent?

Team performance. Group performance. High performing groups and teams tend to always have the same traits that fuel compassion. That doesn’t mean they have no conflict or disagreement. It means they can work through it in a productive way that doesn’t tear them apart.

I regularly ask people about extending grace to others. In just about every conversation it quickly becomes clear that people are reluctant to give grace (compassion) to others. Especially when there’s conflict or disagreement.

Yet that’s when compassion is needed most.

When things are smooth and easy…well, we don’t have to work very hard. It’s when there’s disagreement or conflict when we need to amp up the compassion.

Lest you think this is about nothing more than kindness – which should be ample reason for doing it – there’s a practical reason behind deploying more compassion.

Understanding

Compassion is the missing link when understanding goes out the window. Or when understanding seems almost impossible. Or when people stop seeking understanding.

We shut down. We refuse to listen. We dig deeper into our position.

“I’m dug into what I think.” A common statement heard when a person has made up their mind they won’t exercise compassion. You may as well walk away because that person will never understand what you say or how you feel. They’re disinterested in learning more. Growth and improvement aren’t as important to them as their pride.

If you find the performance of your group or team faltering, gauge the compassion. If it’s lacking then work to elevate it by stressing the high value of it. When you begin to elevate compassion you’ll find understanding going up, too. Along with it, performance. Test it and I guarantee things will improve.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

Randy

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 19:37 — 27.1MB)

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High-performing groups and teams are fixated on one big thing – understanding!

The key to understanding is one simple, but not always easy activity – asking questions.

Being high-performing isn’t easy. Ever. It takes hard work, dedication and know-how. It also requires discipline to engage in continuous activities that will foster high-performance. Most teams or groups lack the ingredients, but it’s not technical prowess, or proper structure or even good intentions that are missing. No, the missing ingredients are the things necessary for improved understanding.

High-performing groups or teams lean into the areas of activity that foster great work. And it’s far less technical than most think. Instead, it’s social. It’s about people.

It’s human interaction and our ability to improve those interactions.

Mostly, it’s about our collective ability to have productive discussions. If we’re unable to do that, then it’s over. Any chance we have to be high-performing is out if we can’t have profitable conversations that foster deeper understanding.

High-performing teams.

High-performing groups.

High-functioning relationships. Including marriages and families.

They all depend on understanding.

The quality of our questions determines the quality of our understanding. And the higher our understanding the more likely we can have high-performing groups or teams made up of high-performing individuals.

What happens when you don’t understand?

You have a few options. You can make something up. Assume meaning. Think you know. Don’t work to find out. This is the option taken by many people (which is, in part, why high-performing groups or teams are so rare). The gaps in our knowledge – those things we don’t know or the things we don’t understand – get filled in with what we think or assume.

You can ask questions. You can seek understanding.

Why is that so hard? A few reasons. For starters, you have to admit you don’t understand. Many people would prefer to feign understanding. But that doesn’t work at any level. Pretending you understand is about as effective as pretending you’re a high-performing person. Imagining it won’t make it so.

It’s also hard because we’re human. We have emotions. We react to things. Including words others say.

We can get defensive and combative. Understanding isn’t the initial instinct for most people. Fighting back is. Or running away. Fight or flight. The space between the two is mindful understanding. That just means it’s intentional. We set our minds to understand ahead of time, knowing that during the conversation we’re going to likely be sparked to feel like fighting or fleeing. Special, high-performing people determine in advance to pursue understanding. They can check themselves in real-time to behave in ways that foster understanding instead of conflict for the sake of disagreement.

It’s hard. Very hard. Which is why it’s so rare.

Your team is meeting. The conversation is perfectly fine while the topics are easy, but suddenly a difficult conversation begins. At some point somebody says something that causes another member of the team to bristle. They blurt out, “I completely disagree.” That can derail the entire discussion…or not.

What’s going to happen next? I many cases it turns into a fight. A he-said, he-said ordeal. No increased understanding. No improvement in the discussion. The productivity falls like a rock. The conversation either ends or quickly moves to safer topics. It’s evident the team isn’t going to be able to discuss this tough subject. It’s the mark of a low-performing team. They just can’t handle hard discussions.

What if instead of blurting out, “I completely disagree” the person remained quiet, listening with the intention of understanding the speaker? It doesn’t mean there’s going to be agreement. But it does mean understanding has a chance!

Then, at a proper time, what if the disagreeing listener asks a question without any intention of inciting negative emotions. “Can you tell me more about why you feel the way you do…so I can better understand?”

By asking the question we’re omitting our favorite thing to do though. The thing that fosters nothing productive. We’re not telling that person – or the team – that we disagree. Instead of drawing a line in the sand we’re working to understand.

Very few people can do that instinctively. The fact is, I’ve never seen it, but I’m supposing such people may exist. Maybe there really are unicorns in the wild. Somewhere. I don’t know. But I do know we can make up our minds to behave like that because I’ve seen it in every high-performing team or group.

Questions. Not statements. That’s the key.

Curiosity. Not judgment or reaction. That’s also a key that precedes the questions.

Reaction is easy. We hear something that irks us. Or something we disagree with. Before we can even think we’ve blurted it out. “I completely disagree.” We’re not trying to understand anything except our need to be heard. We must voice our disapproval. Right now!

Why? Where’s the value for the group or the team? How are we pushing understanding forward when we do that?

We do it because we’re selfish.

We do it because we’re judgmental, not understanding.

We do it because we think our view matters more than anybody else in the room. So we MUST speak up.

There is no value for the group or the team. There’s no value for the person voicing the objection either.

A Better Option: Ask Questions Aimed To Increase Understanding

The questions can be statements. It’s important they be candid, but safe and non-threatening without your insertion of opposition.

“Tell me more.”

“Explain more about why you feel that way.”

“Tell us why you see it that way.”

Sometimes people technically think they’re doing good work, but they’re only behaving in a passive-aggressive way to appear like they’re doing good work. They’re really behaving poorly and not helping the group better understand.

“I’d like to know why you feel that way because I don’t see it like that at all.”

“Please enlighten us on why you see it that way.”

Tone matters. It’s communication so it all matters. Facial expressions. Body language. Pay attention to all of it.

Fact: We overvalue our intentions by thinking our intentions are always good. We undervalue the intentions of others thinking they have bad, even nefarious motives.

That’s why we have powerful angry reactions to people who cut us off in traffic. We choose to believe such a person thinks their time is more valuable than ours. They think they deserve to be ahead of us. They’re jerks.

Nevermind they could be rushing to an emergency. We’d rather not think that. Instead, we prefer to think they’ve wronged us. But they’re unaware of how we feel. Our emotions – the ones we choose to embrace – impact us, not them. Why don’t we choose emotions that better serve us? Mostly because we react without pre-thinking. Such an event might ruin our entire day.

That’s the high price we pay for failing to understand or see things in ways that better serve us and the groups or teams of which we’re a part.

So here I sit. In this moment listening to somebody say something that I completely disagree with. I can immediately object. Or I can turn my emotions in a different direction toward curiosity thinking, “I wonder why they feel that way?” Only one way to find out. Ask. But do it in a way that fosters a candid reply. That means it’s on me to do it in a way that won’t make them bristle, shut down or be tempted to be combative.

Because the performance of our group hinges on my performance and everybody else who is a member of this group. My poor behavior doesn’t help. My provoking them to behave poorly doesn’t help things either. How can we ALL benefit? By deepening our understanding.

Stop filling in the blanks with assumptions that may be false. Instead, find out. Seek understanding. Learn how to be part of a high-performing group or team by first learning how to be high-performing yourself. Get busy doing great work to deepen your understanding of others. Until you do…you’ll never be able to leverage the power of others.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

Randy

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 14:46 — 20.4MB)

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The power of others is most evident when we get into trouble. The trouble that we create through our own foolishness, negligence or stupidity. I know you don’t want to admit it, but we’ve all experienced it. Nobody is immune.

All of us have written awful chapters in our lives. Hopefully, we didn’t make them the longest chapters of our lives. Worse yet, let’s not make them multiple chapters that end up defining our whole story. The most wasted lives in society are lives like that – lives devoted to ongoing, constant foolishness (or worse – evil and wickedness).

Most of us are guilty of youthful indiscretions and idiocy. Sometimes we weren’t so young when we did it, but if we’re surrounded by people who care about us then we can more quickly course correct. That’s why our associations are crucial for our well-being.

The wrong people can influence us to extend our worst chapter. They foster the continual writing of a bad story.

The right people can influence us to shorten our worst chapter by helping us get on with writing a much better story.

We’re responsible for our own story. This isn’t about diverting the blame onto others. It’s our life. Our story. And our decision on how we write it. And our decision on who we’ll surround ourselves with.

Being responsible means it’s up to us. It doesn’t mean it’s solely up to us. It means we can decide to silo ourselves and go it alone. Or we can decide that’s stupid and we need help.

Why struggle alone?

Lots of reasons. None of them very good. But there are reasons why we do it.

We don’t trust anybody enough to be fully candid. Or vulnerable.

We don’t think anybody can help. Or is willing to help. We think people need some special skills or knowledge to help.

We don’t want to impose on anybody.

We don’t think we need help.

But here’s the thing…when we’re struggling we may not be at our optimal self. Remaining in the struggle – going it alone – prolongs the chapter. Not likely our best chapter either.

Read any biography of a successful person and you’ll read about failures. Sometimes lots of them. Sometimes long periods of failure.

Do you feel like a challenge? I’ve tried this numerous times and the results are universally true (so far). Think of the times you’ve struggled. Times when you were failing.

Think of how you escaped it. When you found your way out and began to succeed.

Was there a person involved in your turnaround? One person who showed up at just the right time? A person who gave you a helping hand?

I’m guessing there was such a person. I’ve not yet met a person, who after just moments of sober reflection, could say they dug their way out of the abyss all alone. People tell stories of a friend, some stranger, a relative…somebody helped them get to their feet. Without that assistance, they admit their struggle would have continued. For who knows how long?

In retrospect, people tell me about the bad chapter of their life. Some had a few bad chapters. But everybody happily admits those bad chapters were not their whole story thanks to the people who provided just what they seemed to need.

I’ve never talked with a successful person – measured just about any way you’d like to measure it (financial, accomplishment, achievement) – who claims they were able to do it alone. They were able to write better chapters, to craft a better story by leveraging 3 basic behaviors:

1. They figured out what they were good at (which in most cases, wound up being the things they most enjoyed doing). They devoted themselves to doing more of that.
2. They were relentless in pursuing their goal. This was made possible because they figured out a goal that was congruent with their natural talent.
3. They were able to move forward because somebody helped them. In some cases, they found help to achieve 1 and 2.

Better stories are always written by people who had collaborators. People who didn’t hesitate to help them. Not people who wanted to write the story for them, but people willing to help them create a better story. People willing to be part of their success.

What if we could be more intentional to craft a better story? What if we could take serious aim at writing a better chapter…after chapter…after chapter?

We can.

The goal or pursuit doesn’t matter. Whatever you want to do…it can be greatly enhanced by finding the right people willing to help. Help is all around you. There are three basic steps you can take.

1. Realize there are many people capable and willing to help. This continues to be THE hurdle for most people. They disbelieve this fact. They convince themselves all those idiotic sentiments that sound so wise. Such as, “If it is to be, it’s up to me.” Meanwhile, the most successful people understand that the fastest path toward a better story are people who can best help them write that story. The story they most want to write.
2. Get past your fears. Whether your fears take the form of insecurities or feeling like you’re imposing…get over them. They’re in your head. They only exist because you choose to believe them. Keep telling yourself the truth: the world is full of people who will help. People who can help. Fears will prevent you from finding them. Mostly because your fears will paralyze you from even looking for them.
3. Act. Make choices that are congruent with the story you most want to write. Think of yourself as the main character in the story…because you are. If it helps, think of yourself not as yourself, but as that character. Visualize what the story will be when it happens as you’d like. What’s the ending going to be? Now, work your way backward and reverse engineer the story so you can make it come true. Your character will have to do certain things and avoid doing other things if the story is going to play out the way you want. Get busy behaving in ways so that story will be YOUR story.

If you’re currently stuck in a bad chapter, don’t despair. Commit to get past it. End it. Fast. Solicit help. Or refuse and extend the chapter to last much, much longer.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

Randy

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Last week I read yet another article about the dangers of executive coaching. One of the dangers listed was the morphing of the relationship into a friendship where the coach is no longer pushing or challenging the client. Over time they’ve become friends and now things are different.

It prompted me to go back and revisit some earlier articles, especially some appearing in the Harvard Business Review where there’s been a considerable disdain for executive coaching prompted largely by charlatans and poor practices. I read articles I’d never seen before. I revisited other articles I’d seen over the years. Perhaps I was looking for a theme, but in none of the pieces did I see myself and how I’ve worked for the past decade in helping leaders move forward.

Page after page of advice-giving, expertise, and imposing beliefs sounded nothing like how I view the process. And missing in almost every article was the first of the things that are foundational for what I’ve learned to be most effective. Compassion.

Five C’s are all part of the biggest C of all – challenge. Not adversity. Not an obstacle. Challenge in the sense of pushing, nudging and helping people see things they may not otherwise see. It’s about improved performance. It’s not about keeping a client for life. For me, it’s always been about moving forward to a place where the work is complete (at least this stage of it).

I admit it’s not an ideal business model – at least not the way I approach it. But it’s also why I’ve been compelled over the last 4 years to learn so much about the power of others. It’s the power of US. When we’re surrounded by others – multiple people – then we can better leverage the individual and collective insights, experiences, wisdom, and counsel from people whose value will grow over time. Now that’s a very different value proposition because time forges the compassion so vital for each of us. Instead of “coaching” that should likely have a necessary ending, these groups increase in value year after year where members can do for each other what nobody else can.

I start with compassion because we find it difficult to find value in the challenges of people who don’t care about us. It’s possible, but we have to work very hard to use it for our benefit.

Somebody challenges your idea or thoughts. You know they don’t care about you, or for you. Fact is, you don’t much like them either. How does that challenge work out for you? Not well. Because you both have a bias that prevents you from seeing value in each other’s opinion or feedback. The challenge may be perfectly valid, but the person isn’t valid. Not to you anyway. Nor you to them. The value proposition is extremely low because the negative emotions are in the way. Where no compassion exists there’s little or no value. So it begins with CARING.

Why should we care about others?

Maybe it’s a philosophical or religious question, but permit me to make a statement that I’d like you to consider. We should care because it’s good for US. Yes, there are plenty of arguments for how it’s the right thing to do and how others are benefited, but I know we’re mostly interested in ourselves. It’s good for us to care about others. It comes back toward us in major waves of good as others reciprocate. It eliminates jealousy and bitterness, which never serve to make us achieve more. Or perform better. It deepens relationships with others who will help us when we need it the most. There are plenty of great reasons why we should express compassion and care for others. And why we should put a premium on it when others give it to us. Somebody has to start this. It may as well be YOU.

I agree with the articles that warn how coaches can grow too friendly where challenges don’t happen. Whether that occurs because the coach is fearful of losing the client or not, I can’t say. I can only speak for myself. I’ve never entered any coaching engagement with the thought that it’d last forever. In fact, I push rather hard to establish an endpoint so clients identify what they most want to achieve. Sometimes after reaching that milestone, new milestones have been established. No problem. Sometimes new clients within an organization emerge. That’s why it’s not uncommon for my engagement to last a few years (or longer). But I’d be hard-pressed to tell you about an engagement with a single client that lasted for years without an adjustment in the goal. It’s just not how I work.

Questions. Helping people figure it out for themselves. 

These are the 2 key elements to my view – and my approach – for executive coaching. It’s both practical and effective.

The high value of caring challenges emerges when you don’t climb on the pedestal thinking you’re better than others. Not only do I think I’m not better or smarter, I know so. But I also know I have strengths that I work hard to leverage. One, I listen. I pay close attention. That makes understanding a priority in communication. I seek understanding. I want to see it correctly. Two, I ask good questions. Occasionally, great ones. Mostly, they’re born out of curiosity. And a quest to more deeply understand. Three, the objective isn’t for me to come up with the right answer because honestly I don’t always know what the right answer is. But I trust my clients to put the puzzle pieces together so they can figure it out. Afer all, they’re the ones who have to implement the solution. Not me. What might be ideal for me would be very unideal for them. Maybe they’re extraordinarily extroverted with very different skillsets than me. That would influence the solution that’s most fitting for them. There’s tremendous power in the phrase, “To each his own.”

The burden is on the caring challenge. The proper communication of the caring challenge is incumbent on the challenger. Yes, I understand that people can be overly sensitive and think any challenge is uncaring. I also understand that people can resist and resent the most caring challenges because of their own head trash. But if we assume responsibility for the delivery, then we can likely increase the odds that our well-intended challenge will result in helping the person.

A big part of the problem is challengers often spend more time on the challenge and not enough time on the caring. We get focused on the thing. The solution. Or the problem.

In order to get to the heart of the matter,
you first must get to the heart of the person. 

I’ve been surrounded by older, wiser counselors all my life. I’ve sought them out. I’ve fostered deeper relationships with them. Over time I know they care about me. I care about them. It’s the foundation for all the benefits they provide me (and hopefully, my benefits to them). I’ve leaned on them for their wisdom, insights, experiences and willingness to challenge me because they seek my very best. It’s not about them. It’s about me and them helping me figure things out.

Caring challenges aren’t about anybody except YOU, assuming you’re the one being challenged. It’s about helping you become better.

Challenges aren’t always critical. Sometimes they’re just questions. One of the most powerful and caring challengers in my life would ask, “Are you sure you can do that?” That simple question would often stop me in my tracks and make me think – which was precisely the point of it all.

Other times the same challenger might ask, “Are you sure that’d be right?” That was more critical, but not harshly so. Nothing that would make me bristle. Again, it forced me to think.

Before you act, you must think. But not too much.

The high value of a caring challenge is to think through something so you can figure it out. Figuring it out is useless without actions. We all need to figure it out so we can take some meaningful action.

Leadership is about people. Management is about the work.

When you engage in leadership then you’re influencing people by helping them. You’re serving people. Bring higher value by first caring about people more deeply. Deploy compassion so you can build on top of that to establish the culture necessary for high performance – and helping people to become the best versions of themselves.

Do for people what they need. Caringly challenge them to improve, grow and develop. It won’t always be easy or painless, but you can do your part to make it more profitable. It’s about them. Benefit them. Help them. Serve them. Care about them. Enough to challenge them to be better.

Be well. Do good. Grow great.

Randy