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Leadership & The Stories You Tell - HIGHER HUMAN PERFORMANCE Episode 276

276 Leadership & The Stories You Tell

Communication, Leadership, On Being Extraordinary, Podcast / By Randy Cantrell

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Leadership & The Stories You Tell — A Tale from the Decameron (1916) by John William Waterhouse

Didn’t we all grow up hearing stories? I did.

Parents read stories to us. Teachers did, too. At church we heard preachers tell us stories, too. The Bible has lots of great stories.

Parents, teacher and preachers aren’t the only people in our lives who tell stories though. Leaders do, too. You’re a leader. You tell stories.

That doesn’t mean you’re good at it. Or that your stories are good. Or effective in helping you lead better.

Pay Attention Today

It can be challenging to be in the moment. Leaders are often challenged with pre-occupation. We’ve got a lot of things on our calendar, our mind and our plate. Those are just the things involving our agenda. Then, we’ve got the dozens of small (and large) interruptions. I hear you moaning your approval right now. But wait a minute…

Who or what is the recipient of your leadership?

Hint: it’s always a who. It’s only a what if you’re describing a team, department or organization. People comprise all of those. So, even if you answer with a what, it’s still people.

Sadly, too many leaders allow themselves to become distracted with stuff instead of people. People perform. Leaders lead. That is, leaders help people perform better. When they fail to do that, they fail in their role to lead. But we can go into more detail on that work later. Today, I want to concentrate on one aspect of leadership to helps people perform better – stories.

I started paying attention to stories in the workplace when I was still a teenager. Every boss I ever had told stories. Some didn’t tell good stories. Others didn’t tell the stories very well. But they all told stories. Some kind of stories.

In elementary school I often gauged my affection for my teacher based on her (they were all women) ability to tell or read stories well. I cared about the performance or the ability to read aloud well. I also paid attention to the kind of stories they selected. We’ve all got a preference for certain kinds of stories. My interest, even as a little kid, was mostly sparked by stories that could have been true. Fantasy and sci-fi kind of stuff wasn’t appealing to me as a little kid. It’s still not. For example, my third grade teacher read The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler Warner. That was my kind of story.

When I began to work in businesses, first as a salesperson, I paid careful attention to the stories the boss told. I knew it would give me insight into his values, his concerns, his worldview, his philosophies and anything else that might help me be a better employee. One of my earliest strengths as a salesperson was preparation. I was fanatical about studying the products I was selling. I was bent on knowing more than anybody else about the stereo gear I was selling. It wasn’t an ego-based thing. It was a practical thing designed to give me the biggest edge in selling more products and serving more customers. I knew that if I could teach a customer about a feature that meant a lot to them, then I could make the sale. The salesperson who shows us that one thing that makes all the difference — that’s the salesperson we tend to like the most, and the one most likely to get our money. It was a game for me and the name of the game was “intel.” I wanted my intel (or intelligence) to be superior to anybody else in the market. The boss would tell stories and that would give me intel I could use to be a more valuable employee. Besides, I enjoyed figuring out why certain people told certain stories, or certain kinds of stories.

Selling was – and still is – very story-driven for me. So is coaching. And consulting. I can see a client’s eyes light up with an “Oh-now-I-get-it” moment after I tell a very brief story, or use an illustration (which is really just a micro story) that resonates with them. It happens all the time and I’m constantly searching for that connection because it means I’ve done my work well.

So the boss is always talking about his stuff. His car, his house, his vacation, his family. It’s all about him. All the time. You ever had a boss like that? If you’ve got any experience at all, it’s highly likely. Some bosses are that self-centered. I hope that’s not you, but if it is — Stop It! Get your mind off yourself at work and start thinking about your people.

One of my earliest bosses was like this, but my immediate boss was just the opposite. Thankfully. My immediate boss was a pretty remarkable, attentive guy. The stories he told dealt with merchandise, shoppers and employees. He was quite focused on the merchandise so I knew product knowledge was important to him. He wanted his staff to be among the most knowledgeable salespeople around. I was already bent to increase my intel, including product knowledge, so that wasn’t hard for me. I would sometimes urge fellow employees to stop wasting their downtime in nonsense and to spend it brushing up on their product knowledge so they could perform better. If it’s important to the boss, it better be important to the employees.

Years later I learned that I could employ the same intel strategies to figure anybody out. When you sit down to negotiate with somebody and you have no idea what kind of stories they like to tell, you’re in a less desirable position than if you’ve heard them tell lots of stories. It’s why two of the fundamental things I urge all my clients to do is listen and ask questions. It’s common for me to teach people my personal selling philosophy. There are basically only two selling philosophies, but they’re very opposing in their tactics, viewpoint and implementation.

Selling Philosophy #1

As long as I’m talking, I’m selling.

Selling Philosophy #2

As long as you’re talking, you’re buying.

I’m solidly in the second camp. I don’t have any tolerance for people entrenched in that first camp. If I can’t move somebody from camp #1 to camp #2, then I’ll quit. That’s how important it is to me. That’s how much I believe in the superiority of #2. That first strategy is just too selfish, too.

Even leaders who don’t consider themselves salespeople — every leader is a salesperson (the great leaders are strong salespeople) — employ one of these strategies in their own leadership style. It goes beyond listening and talking. It’s the urge of the leader to employ one more than the other to influence and persuade.

Look at yourself closely. Are you a leader who sits down with somebody – or a group of people – and you hold forth without much interaction or open mind? You think, “The more I talk the more they’ll understand. The more I talk the more they’ll buy in.”

Yes, there are times that a leader needs to hold forth, but not all the time. For example, when a leader is trying to educate a staff on some history that might be relevant, or some decision already reached (and how that decision was reached), then holding forth is educational.

Tell Me Enough Stories, I’ll Tell You Your Story

But let’s consider your storytelling habits as a leader. If I can hear you tell enough stories I can figure out how you roll. I’ll go you one better — even if you’re not a leader, tell me enough stories and I’ll tell you your story. I may not have the details down cold, but I’ll pretty much have you figured out. There’s no magic to it. It’s what’s in our heart comes out in our speech. Our stories reveal us. They can even betray us if we’re trying to pretend to be something we’re not.

Join in a group conversation. Put as many people as you want in the conversation. There can be as few as 2 or as many as you want. Enter a person who always has a story to trump your story, or the other guy’s story. If everybody is standing around, he’s always leaning forward slightly, sometimes on his toes, anxious to speak as soon as there’s a lull in the conversation. Let me watch him and hear him for just a few minutes and I’ll likely be able to tell you quite a lot about him, especially if he’s able to insert himself with enough stories.

The same is true for you, and me and anybody else. It’s especially true of leaders because all leaders have stories to tell. And they tell them. To somebody. Sometime.

I’m not making a distinction between the more quiet leader and the more outgoing one. That’s personality and style. I don’t care about that because there’s not one personality or style most suited for leadership. Effective leaders come in all varieties. Even quiet leaders tell stories. They just may not tell as many, or to as many people. No matter, today’s show still applies.

So you’re looking inside at your own story crafting, right?

Do you have any favorite stories? What are they? What’s their theme?

What about the impromptu stories? You know, the ones that just erupt in every day life at the office?

I’ve sat down and spent hundreds of hours in conversation with a single leader. I’ve also sat down and spent just a handful of hours with a single leader. The first just gives me more opportunities to hear stories. In both cases, I’ve had enough time to hear at least a few stories. It’s like anything else, the more data you have the more valid things become. And the more clear they are.

I’m sitting with a CEO. He’s like most CEO’s, willing to carry the conversation and more than willing to make it about himself. He’s not pompous or arrogant. Just confident and doing what good CEO’s do. Trying to be impressive. He’s not working it too hard. I’m not offended or put off. He’s affable. Even a bit charming. It’s not unattractive.

He recites a business success story. It’s an opportunity he got out of the clear blue. It’s a good story and I give him appropriate feedback bragging on his good fortune. Instantly, he follows it up with another story. Just like the first one, it’s a story about serendipity. A business deal landed in his lap – one he wasn’t looking for, but one that he couldn’t ignore. Again, I compliment him. This continues for a few more stories and after half an hour I have pieced together some common denominators in these stories: a) he’s well known in his space, b) his notoriety in this space brings him unexpected opportunities, c) people offer him deals others would think are too good to be true, but they do it because they know he can bring them more business and d) he’s a smart operator who knows how to take advantage of and make the most of these opportunities.

We talk a bit longer. Not a single story about an employee. No team member’s name or position enters the conversation. Not a single story about a customer either.

Now before you think I’m judging the character of this man, tap the brakes. That’s not the objective of this. The objective is to unearth some intel on his leadership. Just like my boss who had a propensity for product knowledge. It is what it is. I don’t judge it, I just try to deal with it the best way possible.

I engage some employees and listen to their stories. Guess what? They tell stories about the boss. About the deals that come his way. About his prowess to turn a good deal into a great deal. It’s interesting, isn’t it? I go around and find story after story about the boss. And sooner than later it’s clear that the boss is the culture. The organization’s success is built on the art of the deal. And the boss is a king of deals. Again, nothing wrong with it. It is what it is. It’s a culture and leadership is is deal-based.

Why The Stories Matter

Leaders, more so than other employees, can tell the stories they most want to tell. They’ve got a built-in audience that can’t walk out on them. Employees are forced to listen — well, maybe more accurately, they’re forced to sit in silence, giving audience to the boss. But employees tell stories, too. All our stories matter because they reveal some important things.

1. Our stories reveal our values

A single story may not show much, but as leaders we tell lots of stories. The cumulative effect of our stories shows our professional and personal values.

I catch myself telling story after story about the collective failure of leaders, if only occasionally, to serve people who have no idea there’s a problem. For example, a company hires a new employee. It’s a small company that has no HR department. Onboarding isn’t some structured, formal process. It’s mostly done by forcing the new employee to acclimate themselves. It works well enough, but it could be much better.

A few weeks in the new employee unwittingly commits a faux pau in a meeting when he says something that rankles the big boss. As the team is discussing a matter, this newest employee makes a statement in mid-stream, “I don’t know why we do that.” He wasn’t mean-spirited about it. He just blurted it out probably without realizing how it may have sounded, especially as the new kid. Nobody said anything to him, but later the CEO remarked, “Who does he think he is?”

“Did you speak with him about it?” I asked. Nope. He didn’t. But he told me the story about it. It wasn’t the first story like that I had heard from him. This leader – like most leaders – valued “knowing your place.” This newest team member blew it by alerting to the CEO that he had yet to learn his place. I suspect the new employee hadn’t spent enough time hearing the stories to really understand how things roll. Rather than keep silence and take his time figuring it out, this person – with an assertive personality and a sense of proactivity that got him the job – had inadvertently stepped in it. But he didn’t know it. I led the parade for a senior executive to pull him aside and talk with him about it. Not a hard discussion, but a necessary one.

What do you value as a leader? Let me hear your stories and I’ll know what they are.

A few lessons on this point…if you’re in a new situation and you don’t yet know the lay of the land…keep quiet. Pay close attention to how others behave, how they talk, when they talk and how they posture themselves. Be aware and learn before you violate a value you know nothing about.

2. Our stories reveal what we think matters most

This CEO didn’t focus on the purpose of the meeting where the new employee stumbled. I still couldn’t tell you the business problem that was being discussed. That wasn’t shared with me. Not because it wasn’t important – it was bound to be because the staff gathered to discuss it. But it paled in comparison to what the newest team member had done. That one simple statement — “I don’t know why we do that” — trumped anything else that happened. It was a point of discussion among the senior leaders. For days they wondered exactly what the CEO wondered about this new employee, “What was HE thinking?”

Again, I don’t judge these things too much (it’s human nature to judge them a little bit). I just observe them and figure out how to make the wisest use of them. So when I sat down with this employee after the fact, we talked about it. He was completely innocent of anything malicious. He genuinely did want to know why the company did a certain thing, but rather than ask the question (something he was a bit afraid to do because he wanted to display greater confidence), he blurted out the statement, “I don’t know why we do that.” He wasn’t even aware that’s exactly how he had said it until the senior executive engaged him in conversation about it. He had since gone to the CEO to apologize and he made the rounds apologizing to the others present in the meeting. It wasn’t his intention to come across as he had. Now, he was worried and anxious. Only 6 weeks or so on the job and he feared he might should begin a new job search. Instead, I encouraged him to keep his head up, pay closer attention to how others behaved, how they talked and the stories they told (especially the CEO’s stories). I urged him to learn the priorities of the company by listening to and looking for common themes of the stories.

Every leader displays the priorities by the stories they tell. You could argue with those priorities – at your own peril – but a better strategy is to listen and learn. As for leaders, if you’re not happy with the priorities of the organization…examine the stories you’re telling. Look closely. You’ll likely find that these priorities you don’t much care for are woven throughout your own stories. Craft stories to emphasize the priorities you want.

3. Our stories reveal how we see problems (and what we see as problems)

The CEO in this illustration used a one-sentence story (once you understood the context of what happened), “Who does he think he is?” Translation: he was completely out of line. Maybe, but it wasn’t exactly as it appeared or seemed. Even so the CEO saw knowing your place as the problem and it was manifested in a single statement by a meeting participant who happened to be the newest employee.

Did I think it was a big deal? No, but it didn’t much matter what I thought. What mattered is what the CEO thought. He thought it was not just a problem, but a BIG problem. He was preoccupied by it, too. The actual business challenge was given no conversation or story time, but the new employees misspeak was given a lot of conversation. The CEO cared more about the culture of his team than he did conquering the actual problem. Now before you knee-jerk react to all this, don’t. The CEO knew his team would solve the business problem. He was more concerned about the difficulty of solving the possible culture issue with this new employee. Was his reaction the smartest? No, he’d tell you that now (yes, I had a small role to play in that). But he admits it really irked him in the moment and he admits he got very preoccupied by it. Part of my work involved helping him – as a leader – not let perceived problems become problems. It turned out to be “much a do about nothing.” He and his senior leaders lost some time and attention to it though. They waxed on and on for a few days about it until I was able to persuade them to just have a direct conversation with the new employee.

4. Our stories reveal our leadership style

This CEO had a style that everybody needed to understand, especially the new guy. He’s an emotional guy, quick to pull the trigger on an assumption. Do I really need to tell you that after telling you his story? Of course not. It shows, right? That’s what stories do.

It’s up to the leader if he or she wants to alter that style. In this case, the leader is wrestling with his style. Nothing is going to change him emotionally, but he is learning to slow down his trigger finger on jumping to conclusions. He’s doing that because he wants to and because he thinks it will make him more effective as a leader. I think he’s right, but again, that’s his call. Not mine. My job is to help him explore and find better ways to serve his organization as a more effective leader.

Tell More Intentional Stories

I want to help you improve your own leadership by helping you tell stories that will serve your purposes. Take a very good look at your stories. Sit down with your trusted lieutenants. Solicit their help to dissect your stories and what they signal to the organization. Where the stories convey something other than what you want to convey, then don’t just change the stories. Examine why you’re telling them. What is it that compels you to tell that story? What irks you? What satisfies you? Avoid the cursory glance and go deeper.

Give this the time is deserves. Don’t expect a single sit down session with your inner circle to do the job. You’ve likely been telling these stories without that much thought or strategy. They’re just the stories you’re telling. That means looking at them is going to require more diligent consideration. Ask questions. Then ask them again, and ask more of them. Collect your own answers and the ones of the people you trust most.

Now, give yourself some more time to craft the stories that will best serve the organization. Don’t mistake these as contrivances. A contrivance is something that appears to be something it’s not. Your stories are going to be genuine and serve a genuine purpose. They’re going to be honest, not acts of deceit.

For example, one senior leader I know always told stories of poor conduct. Story after story would be filled with annoyances of things employees had done. Sometimes the stories would be about inappropriate things said, or inappropriate attire. Never were the stories about the actual work of the person. In fact, when asked about the work of any particular person who was the subject of a story, he’s often say, “Oh their work is pretty good.” Truth is, their work didn’t matter as much as these missteps in behavior. After considerable time coaching this leader he realized his stories – and his outlook – weren’t beneficial to the organization or his leadership. These things still irritated him, but he learned more profitable ways to deal with it. Namely, he started being more direct in helping these employees understand what they were doing – often without even knowing it – and how they could fix it. That made him feel better because he now felt he was doing something positive to remedy the situation, whereas before he simply felt like he was venting (and he had convinced himself that’s all he could do). In time, he began to craft stories that had a different theme. He wanted his organization to be laser focused on performance so he started telling stories of success and failure that were pointed directly at the output people produced. The team saw the shift, although most couldn’t pinpoint what exactly had changed. They just started to concentrate on what the boss was talking about — the stories he was telling.

If you’re not spending enough time looking at and crafting the stories that best serve your organization, START. And don’t stop.

Randy

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Stop, Look And Listen: 3 Steps To Improve Your Leadership This Week - HIGHER HUMAN PERFORMANCE Podcast Episode 274

274 Stop, Look And Listen: 3 Steps To Improve Your Leadership This Week

Communication, Leadership, Personal Development, Podcast / By Randy Cantrell

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Stop, Look And Listen: 3 Steps To Improve Your Leadership This Week - HIGHER HUMAN PERFORMANCE Podcast Episode 274

What a difference a day makes? Think of the difference an entire week can make!

Leadership requires many skills. People who work in leadership development or coaching often approach the topic from various angles. I mostly focus on the aim of leadership — namely, the people being served by leaders. It may not be the coolest approach, but it’s intentional. Free from gimmicks. Most importantly, it works.

This discussion has to start with a sober consideration about humility.

Just the other day I read this about Washington Redskins’ quarterback, RG 3.

“To get better in this league, you have to have a degree of humility,” a personnel director said. “Griffin sees himself like Peyton [Manning], in that light. When he looks in the mirror, he is seeing things that everybody else is not seeing. That is why I was surprised when they gave him the fifth-year [option] and said it was an easy decision.”

I instantly resonated with it because through the years I’ve had a few clients – not many, but a few – who were leaders that lacked introspection, or humility. And I’ve observed that rare kind of leader who doesn’t hear detractors. Most of us do. I’ve experienced far more of us who hear the lone detractor even if the majority are cheering. We have an ability to hear that one lonesome person boo’ing us. Not these people. Their minds work in reverse. The vast majority can be boo’ing, but if only one person is cheering…they can only hear the cheering. I’ve long been fascinated by this ability – which honestly, is more of a curse than anything.

It’s delusion of a high order and it stymies personal growth and progress. It can wreck a team, too. When you’re already perfect improvement is tough to come by. That’s why so few of my clients suffer this malady. People who feel they need no improvement don’t go seeking out people like me. Unfortunately, sometimes for them, their bosses do. Well, they think it’s unfortunate. It’s my job to earn their trust and persuade them I’m there to help. You’d think it’d be easier than it sometimes is. I mean, stop and think about it. I’ve been commissioned to help them — how hard is it to understand that if they improve, then I look like a rockstar! It’s in MY best interest to help them. If they don’t improve, I don’t look so good.

Being Open To Suggestions

Expansion. Growth. Increases. Improvement. These are things every business owner wants.

They all mean more money. More revenues. More profits. More income. More is better!

Leaders, organizations and businesses that are not open to suggestions — ways to get better — are doomed to slip, or fail. Even if current strategies and tactics are working well, they won’t necessarily keep working well. Strategies and tactics have lifespans. Some are more durable than others.

Philosophies can last, or they can last longer.

I’ve implemented many strategies for growing business. Some have worked well. Others have been major failures.

But I’ve stuck with some core philosophies that continue to serve me well. I’ve stuck one major philosophy that has been live on my About Page for years. It has served me well because I so firmly believe in it that I refuse to deviate from it.

It’s my non-negotiable standard for doing business. It’s not some high-brow “I’m-better-than-you” deal. It’s a real-life, honest-to-goodness way of life. Yes, that means it trumps everything else. Otherwise, what good is it?

If you sell out your philosophy then you’ve got nothing other than the price you sold it for. That first word is very important. Always means always — or it doesn’t. It demands the strongest commitment.

Let’s table any thought of strategy or tactics and stay on the track of this whole philosophy. Think about YOUR philosophy. It’s important because it’s driving your strategies and tactics. It’s also important because it reveals what really matters. It speaks to our character.

So what’s your philosophy?

If I know somebody’s philosophy — and if I know that it’s non-negotiable — then I’ll know how open they’re likely to be to suggestions for growth and improvement. Oh, I know that personalities matter. A lot. But more often than not the philosophy a person crafts is going to reflect and reveal their personality.

If you’re not open to suggestions of improvement then there’s little point in having this conversation. And there’s no point in even considering alternative strategies or tactics. There certainly isn’t any point in considering any shift or change in philosophy.

Today’s 3-step strategy for leadership improvement isn’t a magic bullet for people with a closed mind. There is NO strategy for a closed mind. That’s why I’ve begun this discussion with the important factor of being open to suggestions. If that’s a problem for you, then you’d better deal with that first. Somebody else can psychoanalyze you if you need help. I’m just going to tell those of you struggling with this, figure it out so you can elevate your performance and the performance of your entire team. That ought to be enough of an upside to compel you to fix it.

Stop.

Texting and driving can be deadly. According to USA Today about 25% of accidents are caused by cell phone use. With more and more young drivers joining the ranks each year that number is likely going to increase, too.

Safety experts encourage all of us to slow down our texting and driving. NO THEY DON’T. They urge us to STOP.

When something isn’t working, or when something is working against us it’s the only wise option. STOP IT.

There are 2 fundamental components of this step. One is to stop doing harm. The second is to regroup, collect our thoughts and consider our options. This is why all that beginning stuff about being open was critical.

The temptation is to keep moving because too many of us mistake motion for action, accomplishment or progress. I do 3 to 4 miles a day on a treadmill. I’m stationary the entire time, but I’m moving and burning calories. Sure, I’m moving forward in my physical fitness, but geographically, I’m getting nowhere.

Too many leaders are perpetual motion machines. Lots of movement, not enough meaningful action. Some leaders don’t stop long enough to improve. These are the leaders who run around shouting, “Faster, harder. More. More. More.” It’s movement that matters. As long as they see people working, it’s good. You’d better be in your chair at 8am. And at 4:59pm.

Stop!

You can’t properly meditate or think deeply enough about improvement if you can’t (or won’t) make the time to stop. I don’t want to hear about how busy you are. Or that you can’t stop because there’s just so much going on. I’m not talking about stopping all the work. I’m talking about YOU (the leader) stopping your work. I’m talking about you putting the phone on DND (do not disturb). Shutting down your email. Closing your door. If you prefer to think of this step as PAUSE, then do it. Hit the pause button.

It’s physical, mental and emotional. That last one may be the toughest because it involves your willingness to consider and reconsider. It means you may have felt one way about things or people — and you may have it wrong. Stopping long enough to consider it can give you a fresh perspective. In an upcoming episode I’ll be talking about evidence-based leadership. That’s where your emotional conclusions aren’t purely based on how you feel about a thing or a person, but you actually have some evidence (and I don’t mean one piece of anecdotal evidence) that weighs strongly in favor of your feelings. For example, a leader can say, “I don’t trust him.” Is it based on evidence or is it purely a feeling? It’s important for leaders to avoid letting their emotions pigeonhole their opinions without any evidence to back it up. If the untrusted person has numerous specific incidents of lying, then you’ve got evidence to support you feelings of mistrust. That leads to the next step.

Look.

First, look inside yourself.

I want you to really examine one question…

Am I the problem or the solution?

I don’t mean what every member of your team thinks, but I mean what YOU think. I want you to examine your leadership and management. Look at it more carefully (and closely) than you’ve ever looked at it before.

Every leader can sometimes impact things in a negative way. Our team can see us as part of the problem because they don’t see or understand what we see and understand. Our team can see us as part of the problem if they don’t have the confidence to perform. Self-reflection is hard when you’re trying to answer the big question.

For now, ignore what your team thinks or how they feel about the answer to the question. This is about improving your leadership. It’s about improving YOU.

So think clearly and as objectively as possible. Let me help get you started.

What’s the last big thing you faced?

Think of the latest big initiative. Or the last episode involving an employee. It could be anything.

Just focus on one example. Don’t scrutinize an array of things. Think of one.

Now do a post-mortem on your involvement. How did you handle it? Consider your speed, your approach, your tone, your objective, your priorities and everything else that was going through your mind when you were in the throes of it all. Why did you do what you did? Why didn’t you do something else?

Reflect on what others did that compelled or motivated you to steer in the direction you did. Did you maintain focus during the process or did you allow yourself to be distracted by emotions? Did you worry about somebody or something that caused you to go in one direction and not another? Who was it, or what was it? Why did it get in the way?

This is the time to get out the microscope and look very closely at why you did what you did — and why you did it the way you did it.

I once did this exercise with a CEO/founder. He focused on an interaction he had with one of his direct reports that frustrated him. He began by telling me, “He’s so stubborn.” The conversation between the two men was heated because the manager was defending his department’s existence. Seems the CEO was questioning the validity of a business segment run by this manager. I sat and listened as he recounted in great detail the conversation they had.

Some 45 minutes passed with me only asking a few prompting questions along the way. When the CEO came up for air I asked, “Does this manager have a future in your company?” He seemed appalled that I’d ask and retorted, “Of course he does. The guy has been with me about 15 years.”

“Does he know he’s got a future even if you downsize or jettison his department?” I asked. “Yes, he knows he’s got a place here,” said the CEO. “How does he know? Describe that conversation for me,” I inquired.

Within seconds it dawned on him that he’d never had a conversation with this manager. In his head he’d had many conversations. He knew what he wanted to do, but he had never shared it with this direct report. BAM! He was the constraint and didn’t even know it, or know why. Until now. He’d been moving so fast and furious it never dawned on him that he hadn’t shared critical information with this valued employee. And in the process he was now beginning to build strong feelings that this guy was “so stubborn.” Maybe he was stubborn, but the reaction was spawned by being uninformed. The direct report was in the dark and he was appropriately frightened about his own future — and turns out, the future of his team.

I asked the CEO, “Do you want your leaders to care about their people?” Of course he did. It seemed to me he had a manager reporting to him who was behaving perfectly logically and ethically. He wasn’t necessarily stubborn. He was fighting for himself and his people, and he did honestly see value in the work they were doing (and the profits they were generating). But like all employees lower down the food chain, he only knew what he knew. He didn’t know what the CEO and the CEO hadn’t communicated the challenges, solutions or plans.

Let me give you one more powerful question before we move on to the last of the three action items.

What if you’re wrong?

What if that person isn’t who or what you think they are? What if that situation or circumstance isn’t what you think it is? What if things are very different?

The strongest leaders I know give themselves to regular thoughts and questions like those. But again, they’re all evidence-based leaders, too. They’re not prone to knee-jerk reactions. They don’t shoot from the hip either. It doesn’t mean they’re slow. It just means they’re deliberate. And they’re deliberate with cause.

Give yourself permission to be wrong. And be willing to acknowledge your wrongness with your team. If you want your team to own their mistakes, then you’d better get busy owning yours. A leader who refuses to acknowledge his own weaknesses or mistakes is doomed to be surrounded by people who will never vigorously debate. Such a leader will most often hear what they want, see what they want and NEVER get what they want.

Listen.

So you’ve stopped long enough to meditate and think. You’ve looked inside yourself to see what role you’re playing in solving or creating problems. Now it’s time to include others. Most notably your inner circle. Every — EVERY — successful leader has at least one person with whom they can shell things down. Some are blessed to have a few people. These are the trusted lieutenants. They are part of the executive team. You trust these people. Completely. And if you don’t, then you’re crazy for keeping them in their current role. You should be moving them along if you don’t trust them. There’s no room for untrustworthy people on your team. I don’t care if they perform with spectacular results. Without trust, you’ve got trouble. Pick which one matters most: trust or trouble.

Let’s assume you’ve got at least one person with whom you can be completely honest. You trust them completely. That doesn’t mean you tell them everything, but it means you could. You protect them from information that could unnecessarily worry them or things they have no control over. But otherwise, you rely on them for feedback, support and honesty.

I’m starting with these people because I’m hopeful you’ve got a relationship that isn’t built on telling you what you want to hear. But that may not be the case. You may be the naked emperor with nobody able to tell you how naked you really are. If so, then you’ve got more work to do than any single podcast episode can address. I’d suggest you get very busy finding a mirror — that’s at least one person at work you’re willing to be told unpleasant truths. If you’re not willing to do that, then I’m hopeful your regime comes to a quick end because you’re damaging the lives and work of others. I don’t much care how your end arrives, but the sooner the better. The world doesn’t need anymore autocratic tyrants.

Sit down with your most trusted people at work. Tell them what you’re doing. That’s right. Let them in on this exercise. Convince them you want candid honesty. Bring them up to speed with the answers you worked out on your own. Tell them that it’s only fair for you to expect improvement in yourself since that’s what you’re requiring from them, and everybody else in the organization. Persuade them that you mean it. If this is a first for you, expect resistance. They won’t likely believe you at first. Don’t strong arm them. Pretend they’re customers who must buy what you’re selling. Give them the best opportunity to buy it. It helps if you’ll own your past transgressions. If you owe them apologies, then do that upfront. Without hesitation or excuse.

Shell it all down with them. Ask them to share what they know. You need their intelligence. You need their insight.

ASK.

Before you can listen you’ve got to ask for help. This may be the first step in a process of many steps to get people to tell you what you need rather than what you want. Or what they think you want. You want the truth, but before you can get the truth you need information. You need evidence that will direct you to the truth. That means the more information you gather, from as many sources as you can, from the most trusted and reliable sources you’ve got…can lead you to the truth, or at least get you closer to it.

Train your team – your inner circle – to open up to you. This isn’t happening in front of the organization, or in front of those outside your trusted inner circle. This is you guys. Yes, there is a WE and THEM. This is the WE part of the equation. It’s you and your most trusted people working together to help you become a better leader. It’s also the most important work you’re going to do because it’s going to impact the whole organization. Your organization deserves to have the best leader possible. That’s you!

This should be the most candid, free-flowing conversation you’ve ever had with these people. You should just ask questions to provoke further conversation. Don’t attack. Don’t defend. Don’t excuse. Think like a detective. Be non-threatening. You’re their boss so you’re going to have work a lot harder at making them know they’re safe and comfortable to tell you anything!

Be honest with them. Share your concerns, fears and other weaknesses. It’s the best way to make them feel comfortable and trust you. They’ll start opening up after they know you’re willing to open up as you tell them what you’re hoping to accomplish. Just remember to shut up once you’ve got the ball rolling. Some leaders mess it up by continuing to share and they dominate the conversation. That’s not the point. This isn’t a platform for you to hold forth. It’s a platform to get them to open up with you about YOU.

I’m going to make a strong suggestion that you carve out more time than you think you’ll need. I’d encourage you to clear calendars for an entire morning or afternoon. If your organization is formal, don’t set tensions high by telling people to clear their entire afternoon for one-on-one meetings with you, or something of that order. That may heighten their anxiety. Instead, tell the people who are invited to the meeting that you want to have a very casual brainstorming conversation about some ideas that you want to share. Tell them there’s no agenda and they won’t need to bring anything with them to the meeting except their willingness to share. If you want, have snacks and soft drinks or whatever may be appropriate for the time of day. Make this very casual and non-threatening.

If you can, conduct this meeting at a round table, not a conference table with a definite head at either end. Better yet, in my experience, is to gather chairs around in a loose circle, or just you and the other person sitting by or across each other if there are just two of you. Arrange it and set it as you would the friendliest conversation you’ve ever had. You don’t want any barriers to openness.

Lose the business speak. Don’t let yourself fall into behaving or speaking like you do when you conduct a formal business meeting. Talk to these people like they’re your friends – because they are! Don’t speak to them like subordinates or direct reports. Ask them to loosen up and not think of you like their boss. Rather, plead with them to treat you like a friend who needs their help. You do need their help. Make them know how badly you want and need it. Don’t be bashful. That will defeat the point of the conversation.

This needs to be an unfiltered conversation where you’re open to whatever they have to offer – however they want to offer it. If you begin to challenge what they say, or how they say it, then they’ll stop saying anything useful. Think of this as a free-form brainstorming session without rules. Remember, these are your most trusted advisors so you don’t have to worry about anything with them.

Some leaders are fearful that such moments will destroy professional decorum in the workplace. When properly handled I’ve never seen this happen. Don’t underestimate the professionalism of these people. They’re competent people, fully capable of compartmentalizing sessions like this. I often help leaders rehearse how to begin and conduct these sessions because I know it’s not something many leaders have experience with. Most of the clients I’ve helped overthink it and fret unnecessarily about it. More often than not it’s among the most rewarding conversations the top leader has ever had. And it’s so ridiculously simple they wonder why they never did it before.

Follow up.

It’s important that you – and your team – understand the seriousness of this endeavor. This isn’t some phase you’re going through that your people have to endure. This is a very serious work project designed to have maximum positive impact on the organization. They need to understand how serious you are. Follow up is one way to demonstrate that.

Specially, you need to have another session with your inner circle. Give them a few days after the initial conversation. Schedule a second session in the same week. That way they’ve had time to huddle informally amongst themselves. They need time to have those – “What-in-the-world-got-into-her?” – conversations. This is a curve ball they’ve not seen before (assuming that you’ve not been as open with them about such things before). They also need time to distill their thoughts now that they know what this is all about.

Your first conversation was without warning. They purposefully didn’t know what the meeting was about. They just knew it was going to be an informal brainstorming session (and it was). Now they know exactly what you’re trying to accomplish. Give them some time to collect their thoughts and bring more value in the next session.

There are 2 important steps I want you to take in doing this. One, I want you to end the first session urging them to think about your goal to improve as a leader, and about the things they’ve brought up…plus the things they haven’t yet brought up. Give them one simple admonition: “I want to make sure that as I work to improve my leadership that I see and hear things accurately. So I’m going to ask you to help me gather and distill the evidence. For example, ____________________.” Give them an example of a time when you didn’t get it right. Yes, it can be one you confessed to them during the conversation, but maybe not. That’s up to you, but have one ready to use as you end the meeting. You want to leave them impressed with your commitment to “get it right.” You’re tasking them to help you do that.

Two, I want you to have a brief one-on-one with each of them. For most leaders, this is very small group. In many cases, it’s just one person. No matter, however many people comprise your inner circle, schedule a 15-minute meeting one-on-one with each of them. The sole purpose of this meeting is to make sure they’re comfortable with this process. Reiterate your seriousness to grow as their leader. And reinforce the importance in showing them by example how you hope they’ll lead, too. Sometimes you’ll learn what’s bothering them about this process, or what fears they’ve got. Address those in this brief meeting.

Conclusion

Stop. Give yourself permission and time to think about your leadership. Meditate on how things are and how you’d like them to be. Quieten down the noise in your world or you’ll never be able to see clearly.

Look. Consider your wins and your losses. I believe in soaring with your strengths, but as a leader you must eliminate (as much as possible) the constraints you bring to the workplace. Think about the places where YOU may be the problem. See things as they really are, not as you wish them to be. Accuracy matters!

Listen. Involve your closest, most trusted advisors. These are employees who serve as your inner circle. These aren’t non-work related people. Those people don’t see what your employees see. Give them a safe environment to tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

Carve out time over the course of a week to get this started. Don’t stop doing it after a week. Use the intensity of one-week to get it launched. Then, make time regularly to keep doing it. That includes scheduled times with your inner circle to discuss YOUR LEADERSHIP.

If the work inside your organization is important, then why don’t you think work on your leadership is important?

The outcome of this process will an improvement in YOU and your leadership, and the impact it will have on your entire organization. Additionally, those leaders in your inner circle will be dramatically impacted in their own careers as you urge them to avoid neglect in their own leadership growth.

Proverbs 18:24 says, “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly.” Well, I could apply that same principle to any number of things, including growth as a leader. You must show yourself to be concerned with your leadership. That will make you a better leader. It’ll also foster higher human performance throughout your organization.

Randy

P.S. If you’d like to talk about how I might be able to help you and your team, call me at (214) 736-4406.

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274 Stop, Look And Listen: 3 Steps To Improve Your Leadership This Week Read More »

Who Do You Listen To? (And Who Listens To You?) - HIGHER HUMAN PERFORMANCE Podcast Episode 263

263 Who Do You Listen To? (And Who Listens To You?)

Communication, Leadership, Personal Development, Podcast / By Randy Cantrell

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How do you determine who gets your time and attention? Who do you read? Who do you listen to? Who listens to you?

There are three distinct groups who occupy your life – in terms of people who you’re willing to pay attention to – with one major caveat, these are people who know who you are. Of course, we all tend to listen to far more people who have no clue who we are. We read books, listen to speakers, watch videos, read blogs and listen to podcasts by people who don’t us. Sometimes we even put more weight on what they tell us than on what those who love us most may tell us. It’s the maze we all have to travel as we figure out who deserves our attention based on who can really help us.

1. The core group – the people you know and who know you. These are people who have a personal connection with you. They understand your life, and they care about it. They have a more vested interest in your life. Hopefully, you also care about them.

2. The special interest group – the people you know and who know you, but they leap to your mind because of some present need or interest. For example, you may have some specialized skill. Let’s say you’re a WordPress website designer. People know that about you. When somebody has a question or need about a WordPress website, your phone rings – or you email inbox gets a new message. You occupy a “top-of-mind” presence for the people who know you. You have people like that in your life, too.

Then, there are all those people we know of, but who don’t know us. Connections are made that have value, but aren’t very intimate. We really don’t know them, but based on their public persona we think we do. Again, some of these people may be core people we listen to. We may listen to them all the time. We may hang on their every word because we’ve decided they’ll be in our inner circle of influence even though they don’t know us.

Another group may be more specialized. I’m a member of Don McAllister’s Screen Casts Online. Don teaches about all things Apple Mac. He produces killer video tutorials at his membership site. I learn from Don’s work. He doesn’t have a clue who I am, but based on my special interest in what he teaches, I listen to Don. We’ve all got people like that in our life. They provide value for us. Sometimes we pay for the value. Sometimes it’s completely free.

With Twitter, Facebook, blogs, Pinterest, Google + and the host of other places where we interact with people – it’s entirely probable that most of the people you interact with each day are people who haven’t a real clue who you are. Why do you listen to them? Is it popularity? What is it that draws you to them? What value do they provide in your life?

Quite often I find myself not asking these important questions – and every time I drift away from asking these great questions I find my life grows noisier. That’s not good for me. It’s distracting.

Some years ago I devised a plan to further restrict the voices in my head – and my life. It’s hard. I’d love to tell you how I don’t plan to allow the cool kids to dictate the voices I value most, but sometimes they do. Sometimes it’s like reading a book only because it’s popular and top-of-the-chart only to find that I’ve wasted hours reading a book that was an utter waste of time! The herd isn’t always right. Popular people aren’t always the most reliable people to listen to.

Besides, I find the most value in listening to people who care about my life – and those willing to let me care about theirs.

3. The special confidant – the person, or maybe persons, who you completely trust. This group is really a subset of the first group, the core group. And it can consist of at least 2 sub-groups:

a) people who have skills/experience to help or
b) people who are special friends willing to help (but may not know how)

Maybe your mom loves you and is willing to listen to all your problems, but that doesn’t make her qualified to offer you sound advice. A husband or wife may have little insight about a professional challenge. Or you may just want or need a person with some distance to provide you with a fresh perspective.

This last group can be the most challenging group. For good reason.

The first group naturally happens. Our family, church friends, friends who share our hobbies and people who share other social interactions with us — they know us. We know them. Each group has some context. That is, church friends see us in one context. Friends we tailgate with at the weekend football game know us in a different context. Parents of our kids’ friends know us in that context.

Additionally, these groups happen around some central focus. Family happens because we’re born into or adopted into a specific group. We didn’t choose it. It just happened. Funny how our closest core group is so random, huh? But other groups – like our tailgate buddies – happens because we share our love for a team. Or because we have season seats near each other. Or because we’re next door neighbors who happen to love the same team. There are some shared reasons that bring us together. Some of these relationships may be shallow while others run deep. Our core group of people tend to run the range between very casual to very trusted. Still, these people are in our lives because of a common, shared interest. Or because we’re family.

The second group – the special interest group – can overlap with the core group. Those tailgate buddies might be close friends, but the foundation of the friendship was forged because we both loved a specific team. It may have transcended the weekend fall game, but we still view these friends as people we can talk with about next season’s chances to go to a major bowl game.

I’m mostly using this second group for the purposes of helping us though. These are people who have a specialized skill, talent or experience. It’s less important that they know us because the relationship – our willingness to listen to them – is based mostly on how much trust we have in their ability to help us. Can they help us solve this problem?

As summer is approaching my son and I were talking last month about having our AC units checked out. He knows a guy. Well, I know a guy, too. But he knows his guy better than I know my guy. And his interaction with his guy was just last year. I haven’t interacted with my guy in a few years. Based on his past experience, his trust and confidence in his AC guy — we both lined him up to do a seasonal tune-up on our units. My son knows him. He knows my son. I had never met him, but because of my son we had a connection.

He came over, spent a few hours doing what he does, charged us a reasonable amount and I even posted on Facebook telling anybody who might need AC work to call him. I strongly recommended him based on how he served me. He was in my second group, but now he’s in my third group. And there’s a point to that migration from group 2 to group 3.

That third group is even more special, or narrow. The AC man was in group 2 for me because I was going on a recommendation of my son. The guy didn’t know me. We had never met. He had never done any work for me. But once he had done work for me – and once we met – I was fully prepared to move him to the 3rd group based on his work and my experience with him. He could have come to my house, done crappy work and fallen off of any list…except the one where I keep people who I never want to call again. But he did a good job so I elevated him among the people I’m willing to listen to.

I’m not going to call him when I have a business problem. He’s not going to be somebody I call if I want to talk Bible. I won’t be calling him up for relationship advice. But if I need heating and air conditioning advice, he’s my guy.

That’s how it is with specialized interest. But it can also be how it is with a special confidant. Sounds odd to have a special HVAC confidant, but we all have people like that. Maybe you have a yard guy or a tree guy. Any time you have a problem in those areas, you call a special somebody who knows how to solve those problems. You trust that person completely when it comes to yard or tree issues. They’re a confidant, even if the subject isn’t terribly sensitive. Like my HVAC units.

We don’t think twice about having such people in our lives. But we either fail to think – or we avoid thinking – about some other people who may serve us in very important matters (not that our yard, trees and HVAC aren’t important). Married couples can struggle and one or both can avoid seeking help because of pride, embarrassment or a host of other moronic reasons. A marriage isn’t more valuable than air conditioning? Sadly for some, maybe not. But it should be.

I think there may be an even bigger reason why people don’t find or include a special confidant in some areas of their life. They don’t know anybody. And they don’t know who to ask, or they’re too afraid to ask.

The bravest ask, or quietly cold call somebody seeking out Google and other search devices to find somebody. But many don’t. They just quietly go about their business struggling alone, or leaning on people unequipped to help them. They hope to find some solace in a listening ear, but often find themselves more frustrated by a caring friend or family member who doesn’t know what to say or how to react.

And there’s the whole stigma of seeking out a professional. “We don’t need to see a marriage counselor,” says the husband to his wife of 10 years. Communication between he and his wife are non-existent. They both know they’re in trouble. They love each other, but the last few years have wrecked what they once had. Pride. Shame. Embarrassment. Coupled with not knowing a good marriage counselor…are creating the perfect storm for their marriage to fatally hit the rocks. “Besides, how much does something like that cost?” asks the wife. Again, it’s so far outside the realm of what most of us know about…our cluelessness hinders our ability to craft an ideal circle of trusted confidants to who can serve us.

Executive coaching suffers the same problems. Whether you prefer to call it business coaching, leadership coaching or career coaching – it’s all very much the same. It’s serving the specific needs of somebody who needs a person with whom they can be completely transparent and vulnerable. It’s serving the person who may need short-term help through some specific challenge. It’s serving the person who may want longer term help through a transition. It’s anything, but one-size-fits-all. It’s specific, personal and targeted.

Those brave enough – wise enough – to seek it out will attest to the value of it. For many, it’s priceless. For most, it’s invaluable. When it’s done well, it’s a partnership. It’s focus is YOU. That’s a rare feeling for most. A good feeling, but rare. To know that another person is so vested in your outcome that they’ll do whatever they can to help you — it’s a terrific feeling. One that too few ever experience.

It’s not about fixing things necessarily. It’s about exploring possibilities. It’s about improvement and growth. It’s about vital friendships that can help us achieve higher levels of success faster.

Who do you listen to – and how do you decide?

Randy.Black

263 Who Do You Listen To? (And Who Listens To You?) Read More »

Leadership: Always Be Straight With People (Part 2) - HIGHER HUMAN PERFORMANCE Podcast Episode 256

256 Leadership: Always Be Straight With People (Part 2)

Communication, Leadership, Not Going Crazy In The Process / By Randy Cantrell

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Leadership: Always Be Straight With People (Part 2) - HIGHER HUMAN PERFORMANCE Podcast Episode 256

It’s about four-thirty on an ordinary work day afternoon. I sit down at a computer terminal on a desk of an office worker. It’s not my desk, but it’s the closest unoccupied computer terminal. I need to check something in the system. The system is already logged on by a user so there’s no need for me to log in. Within seconds a message pops up alerting this particular user of a new inter-office message. I hit return to get rid of the pop up message because that’s my habit. Of course, I’m almost always on my own log in, but not now. When I hit return it opens the message. Right away I’m conflicted wishing I hadn’t seen it, but glad I did.

It’s a sexually explicit message between co-workers. I don’t know they’re even dating, much less involved in some inter-office romance that has crept into our professional environment. It’s graphic. I’m certain I blushed. And I’m sitting at this desk alone. Knowing what I have to do.

Within 30 minutes I’ve got a person sitting in front of me, alone in my office. I’ve printed out the message. And a few more just like it from an earlier date…all from the terminal I was sitting at. I know who the recipient of the message was and who the sender was because every employee has their own unique login (user name and password). In front of me sits the sender.

I hand over the printed copies without saying a word. The sender’s head drops. Profuse apologies follow. I purposefully allow the tension to build and hang in the air. I know it’s a terribly embarrassing circumstance. For both of us. I embrace it knowing that I have to correct this behavior, but also knowing that this person is a very good employee. I’ve no intention of terminating this person. Or the recipient, another high performing employee. But nobody knows this except me. Not yet anyway.

I express my disappointment and disapproval. I want this person to feel ashamed. It’s working. I resist the urge to make this easy on either of us. It’s a serious infraction and I need to embrace the gravity of the situation so they will. Within 15 minutes it’s over. I’m convinced it will not happen again. Ever. And like a compassionate leader should, I also embrace the notion that I will never speak of this again. I don’t. I forget about it and move on, refusing to allow it to dampen my enthusiasm for two employees who have a proven track record of high performance.

I sit alone in my office after it’s over and lean back in my chair. Big exhale. Relief that it’s over, but I know this “couple” is going to be fretting about it for a good long while. Their embarrassment will likely be felt forever. I’m happy about that. That’s how it should be.

But I’m also thankful that I sat down at that terminal. It gave me the opportunity to serve these employees. And to be discreet about it. What if it had been somebody else who had seen that message. My hand might have been forced to get rid of these employees. Sometimes it’s a very thin line that separates good fortune from bad.

Sitting down and having that talk was important. Being candid…well, there just wasn’t any other option. This wasn’t the time to mealy mouth around. It was time for honest conversation.

Leadership always comes back around to being honest and candid. The other day as I sat with a fairly young leader discussing a variety of challenges, I mentioned a story – and old book – that I knew was well before her time, The Abilene Paradox and other Meditations On Management by Jerry B. Harvey. The copyright is 1988, but Mr. Harvey first published his Abilene paradox story back in the mid-70’s. You can click here to download a free PDF of the Abilene paradox (not the entire book).

Here’s how Wikipedia summaries the paradox…

On a hot afternoon visiting in Coleman, Texas, the family is comfortably playing dominoes on a porch, until the father-in-law suggests that they take a trip to Abilene [53 miles north] for dinner. The wife says, “Sounds like a great idea.” The husband, despite having reservations because the drive is long and hot, thinks that his preferences must be out-of-step with the group and says, “Sounds good to me. I just hope your mother wants to go.” The mother-in-law then says, “Of course I want to go. I haven’t been to Abilene in a long time.”

The drive is hot, dusty, and long. When they arrive at the cafeteria, the food is as bad as the drive. They arrive back home four hours later, exhausted.

One of them dishonestly says, “It was a great trip, wasn’t it?” The mother-in-law says that, actually, she would rather have stayed home, but went along since the other three were so enthusiastic. The husband says, “I wasn’t delighted to be doing what we were doing. I only went to satisfy the rest of you.” The wife says, “I just went along to keep you happy. I would have had to be crazy to want to go out in the heat like that.” The father-in-law then says that he only suggested it because he thought the others might be bored.

The group sits back, perplexed that they together decided to take a trip which none of them wanted. They each would have preferred to sit comfortably, but did not admit to it when they still had time to enjoy the afternoon.

The story powerfully, but simply illustrates the breakdown in group communications. There are lots of things going on here. There’s fear of being the odd man out. There’s fear of saying what you really think, or feel. There’s fear of contradicting the person with the idea. There’s reluctance to speak out. Blah, blah, blah. Every issue boils down to fear of being honest and candid. Management brainiacs have long studied group dynamics and “group think.” Honestly, I don’t care about that crap. I care about somebody whose willing to serve. A real leader!

But there is something very powerful in the story because it clearly addresses something business people have probably all experienced — timid group behavior where people may likely be thinking the same thing, but nobody says anything. Have you ever broached a subject at work, wondering if you’re the only person holding a specific opinion, only to find out that everybody felt just like you. Hello, Abilene Paradox!

At other times you may have broached the topic and many people were in lock step with you, but there’s that one (maybe more) person who has a contrary opinion. Suddenly, a few of the courageous start to waffle, leaning more toward the contrarian. It’s usually because the contrarian is normally a more highly charged personality than the more compliant folks. That can intimidate some. It can change the psychology of the entire room leave you wondering how the waffler really feels.

You Can't Let The Bullies Squelch The Room

You Can’t Let The Bullies Squelch The Room

The Abilene Paradox demonstrates how group-think can be innocently impacted by acquiesce and indifference. But it can also be impacted by one rebel rouser. Maybe you’ve seen it. One loud-mouthed bully can mount some podium topic and drive the room wherever he wants because most people will crawl inside a shell, especially if the bully has a title. I’m interested in group dynamics like that and I always catch myself looking away from the opinionated loud mouth, watching the others. Some shift in their chairs, visibly uncomfortable, but refusing to speak. Others look straight ahead, stoic. Still others doodle with greater intensity, never looking up.

Quite often the bully is convinced they’re speaking FOR the room. Watch for it the next time you encounter it. The bully will likely even use language to back up that claim. “I know others feel this way,” or “I’m only saying what I others are afraid to say.” There are many other variations of it, but it’s all the same – “I’m speaking a universal truth for the entire team.” But there was never an election or an appointment. Like a military dictator, the bully just takes the power and drains all the communication energy out of the room squashing all other opinions, especially dissenting opinions.

If the boss is the bully, you’re stuck. I would NEVER advise doing battle with the boss. You can influence the boss – maybe – but that’s a topic for another day. Don’t openly argue with your bully boss. Not all bosses are bullies, so I’m only talking about the ones who are!

If you are the boss and somebody else is hijacking the communication in bully fashion, you have to stop it. It could be something as simple as, “I’d like to hear from some others before I hear from you.” Different leaders have different styles. If you’re a leader handle the way you’d like, but I encourage you to pre-think it. Be prepared to kick bad behavior to the curb when you get your team together.

You Can’t Let Silence Ruin The Room Either

Getting input or feedback can be tough. The honest truth is, some people just don’t have a strong opinion. I used to think people were afraid or intimidated. And some are, or can be. But through the years I’ve come to realize there are far more people than I first thought who simply don’t care one way or the other. I’m not saying they’re apathetic. They just don’t feel strongly enough to speak up about every issue.

Other people are in that same camp until they hear something they strongly agree with…or something they strongly disagree with. Then, they’ll speak up. But if that never happens, they might sit there never uttering a word.

Giving people a safe, comfortable environment is important if the group is meeting to brain storm or figure out a solution. It’s impossible to address all the nuances of group think because groups get together for a variety of reasons. Interaction depends on the purpose of the meeting. Think about the context and purpose of the group so you can adjust the communication temperature of the room accordingly. Sometimes the temperature needs to be warm and comfortable. Other times it needs to be cooler. Leaders have to know the difference.

Ambiguity Foils Effective Leadership

Inexactness runs rampant in many organizations. Whether it’s the proverbial beating around the bush, or mincing words or soft-pedaling. But lessening the bluntness of communication is not the same thing as ambiguity, even though it can lead to it. You’ve experienced it before. Somebody is trying to tell you something, but they’re meandering, failing to just come out and say what needs to be said. You’re left wondering, “What were they trying to say?” If it was your boss, you were left feeling like a lost participant on Jeopardy, wondering what the question was. That makes finding the answer all but impossible.

There’s one fundamental reason why ambiguity foils leadership. It distracts people. They spend more time trying to figure out what the leader was saying, or what they really meant than they do making a positive difference. And it’s entirely the leader’s fault.

Consider a typical superstar employee who has an innocent casual encounter with the boss. The boss says, “Are you okay with the new software upgrade in the finance department?” The employee says, “Yes, sir.” The boss replies, “Okay, I was just wondering.” They go their separate ways.

All afternoon the superstar employee is consumed with, “I wonder what he meant by that? I wonder if he knows something I don’t. I wonder if he thinks the upgrade is a bad idea.” Because the superstar employee is conscientious, he frets about what the boss said. It was ambiguous and the employee is left trying to connect dots.

Meanwhile, back in the executive suite, the boss is talking with his right hand lieutenant. “I saw (insert name of the superstar employee) in the hall a few minutes ago. I asked him how he felt about the software upgrade in finance and he said he felt good about it. I thought you said he was a sharp guy.”

The boss doesn’t quite have it right though. And in true “the emperor has no clothes” fashion, the superstar employee was in a no-win-situation. He was trying to read the boss and be honest at the same time. Do you dare tell the boss you’re unhappy about a software upgrade that’s over half done? And what if the superstar is genuinely pleased about the upgrade? How was the employee supposed to respond? He’s asking himself all those questions and more. And the boss is characterizing the brief encounter completely differently. He heard the superstar employee say he felt good about the software upgrade, but that’s not what the employee said. He was asked if he was “okay” with the upgrade. He said he was. Seems like a trick question. Welcome to the world of the ambiguous leader.

Now, the lieutenant has certain feelings about the superstar employee he didn’t have earlier. This was a star employee, but now there are doubts. Turns out the executives are having trouble with some points of the contract with the software upgrade. The superstar employee has no knowledge of those. He only knows the execution of the upgrade. During the proposal process, the superstar employee had some reservations, but he’s not a decision maker. He merely had expressed those concerns to his manager who assured him the executive team was going to address those things. And they did. Now, with about 45 days left before the upgrade is complete, things are on schedule and the superstar employee, being a faithful worker, is pushing hard to keep the timetable on track.

Behind the scenes there are issues though that he doesn’t know. And he’s now being judged for things beyond his knowledge or control. Ambiguity will hurt him if he’s not careful. And all he said was, “Yes, sir.”

How is leadership foiled? Because they’ve got a superstar employee in a bad spot. And they now feel differently about this worker. Everybody suffers.

Scenarios like this play out all the time in the workplace where straight talk isn’t valued, or thought about. Sometimes it’s intentional game playing. Sometimes it unintentional and thoughtless talk, or questions. It results in ambiguity, which fosters distraction, confusion and bewilderment. Do YOU do your best work when you’re feeling like that?

I wonder how many hours are spent each week amongst co-workers asking, “I wonder what he meant by that?” Think of the wasted hours spent trying to figure out the ambiguity. Then, drive yourself crazy thinking of saving all that time with clear, straight talk.

A Prescription For Organizational Craziness

It was a few years ago when I first read the phrase that served as a blog post title to an entertaining article, What Happens In Vagueness Stays In Vagueness. It was written by Clark Whelton, a speechwriter for New York City mayors Ed Koch and Rudy Giuliani, and appeared in City Journal, an urban policy magazine. I’m a sucker for all things communication so it hit my Google alert for some reason. I catch myself re-reading it every now again because it makes me smile and reminds of Edwin Newman, the old NBC newsman with a love of the English language (as evidenced by his appearance on Saturday Night Live).

I agree with Mr. Whelton.

“Uh-oh. It was a classic case of Vagueness, the linguistic virus that infected spoken language in the late twentieth century.”

Straight talk is one prescription – I’d argue a necessary prescription – for the organizational craziness that vexes many leaders and employees. Unfortunately, some confuse this with crassness, but that’s a cop out taken mostly by people who are…well, crass. Rude, crass behavior isn’t professional or effective in building a high performance organization. So I’m not giving permission or approval for boorish behavior.

The third leg of my business offering (what I call the trifecta of business building) is to help people avoid going crazy as they build their business or organization. Slippery, unclear communication ranks high as a source for craziness among employees. “Why won’t he just tell me what he wants me to do?” is a common question I hear.

Some years ago after hearing that refrain uttered over and over by people in a company, I asked the owner, “Why won’t you just tell people what you’d like them to do, and how you’d like it done?” His answer is more common than you might think. “I want them to figure it out. I just wish they’d know what to do. It drives me crazy.”

Had I been a doctor I would have taken out my prescription pad and immediately scribbled out the prescription,

“Talk straight with all your employees. Daily.”

The owner was a father. I asked him if he required his kids to do chores. “Of course,” he said. “I want them to learn to work.”

“When you first assigned chores did you give them any instructions or did you just leave them to figure it out?” I asked.

He stammered a bit trying to figure out what he had actually done. One son, the oldest, was responsible for the family pet, an outside dog. “Did you have to show him how to put food out for the dog, and water…or did you just let him put out as much food as he wanted?” I asked.

He proceeded to tell me how he had to make sure his son measured out the food using a scoop inside the big bag of dog food, and how he had to tell his son to do it at a specific time each day. He also had to show him how to harness the dog for a walk (even though his son wasn’t the only one responsible for that).

“But you had to train your son in those activities. You didn’t just wait for him to figure it out ’cause you wanted the dog to be properly taken care of,” I said.

I saw the light bulb turn on. He looked a bit exasperated and said, “My employees aren’t my kids.”

“No, they aren’t, but they deserve the same amount of clarity.”

I asked if his son did the job with the dog perfectly the first time. Of course not. He told he repeatedly had to show his son and sometimes he had to bark at his son (so the dog wouldn’t bark for food). I asked him if a day came when his son did the job without being told, and did it well enough to suit him. Yes. Dad saw it happen.

“Do you have to show him how to do that now?” I asked. “No, he just does it now,” he replied.

“And your employees will, too — once they know what you want. You need to hold them as accountable as you do your oldest son with the dog. Your dog’s life depends on it. Here, your business depends on. I don’t understood why you wouldn’t give your business more attention than your dog.”

This was an owner who had no written procedures though. So it was a hard lesson to learn. Over time we helped him realize that he had been taught many things by people who cared enough about him to help him do a good job. He had people in his life who didn’t just leave him alone hoping he’d figure it all out on his own. I simply helped remind him of his purpose as a leader – to serve the people doing the work so they could do their work better!

It’s always about serving your people. The question I’d encourage you to ask is, “How is this serving this person?”

If it’s not serving them, then stop it. If it is serving them, then ask, “How can I serve them BETTER?”

The cowardly leaders avoid the hard work of serving their people because it’s not always easy. Sometimes it’s difficult, uncomfortable and too straight forward. Some leaders want to avoid the tension so necessary to serve their people. Like a parent who is too timid to discipline a child, the leader will quickly find themselves with employees who operate outside the lines. Show me a kid who’s a hellion and I’ll show you a parent unable to lead, or serve their child well.

You can be a straight-talking leader known for serving your people…or you can be known as anything else, but that.

Randy.Black

256 Leadership: Always Be Straight With People (Part 2) Read More »

Leadership: Always Be Straight With People (Part 1) - HIGHER HUMAN PERFORMANCE Podcast Episode 255

255 Leadership: Always Be Straight With People (Part 1)

Communication, Leadership, Podcast / By Randy Cantrell

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Leadership: Always Be Straight With People - HIGHER HUMAN PERFORMANCE Podcast Episode 255 — General Patton: Leader or Manager?

Let’s begin by making a distinction between MANAGEMENT and LEADERSHIP.

We manage processes, workflows and systems. We lead people. Effective business or organization building requires both. That doesn’t mean one person – the same person – has to provide both. We celebrate the leader who is an equally capable manager, but quite often the skill set for one is very different than the skills required for the other. It’s one reason (just one) why you see so many co-founders these days. Ideally, one co-founder has terrific managerial talent while another co-founder has strong leadership skills.

Since today’s topic deals with people, it’s a leadership subject.

THE big people problem is almost always communication. Here’s a sentence I never hear,

“Our communication is so good it can’t be improved.”

Instead, I usually hear,

“Communication is our biggest problem.”

Look at picture of General Patton. Tell me that’s not the posture of a supremely confident leader.

“A good solution applied with vigor now is better than a perfect solution applied ten minutes later.”

Patton was unquestionably one of the most interesting military men in history. His childhood goal was to become a hero. His ancestors were military men dating back to the American Revolution. A strong sense of pride, fierce determination and willingness to go where fighting men went made him popular with the troops.

General Patton was fanatical about having prepared troops willing to execute with excellence. He cared about the process and systems, especially when it came to having his men prepared to fight. Management was important. And he was good at it. But leadership is where he gained his much desired hero status. He knew how to literally rally the troops to go into battle. And he was quotable.

Candid. Blunt. Passionate. Those were qualities the General embraced. Relished even.

Too Much Information

Novice leaders sometimes mistake candid conversations with sharing everything they know. When I’m seated across a first-time leader in their late 20’s I’ll often find myself preaching to them how leadership involves protecting their people. That means, sometimes you must hold your cards closer to your vest and not share too much information.

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Coaching Session 8 is a part of my private executive coaching. I’m inserting it here because it’s completely devoted to this notion of leaders sharing too much information and how that’s harmful to your people.

TMI is fairly universal I think. It stands for Too Much Information. And it happens all the time.

It happens at social gatherings. It happens on social media. It happens in texting.

It also happens at work…where it can be devastating.

Okay, let’s eliminate what you may be thinking. I’m not talking about those personal, intimate details people often share resulting is us holding up our hands and saying, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Too much information!”

If I have to tell you how inappropriate it is to discuss really personal details at work, then we need to go back to square one and begin again! It’s not proper to talk about EVERYTHING at work. It’s certainly not proper to SHARE everything at work. Especially intimate details of your life – or of anybody else’s personal life.*

* Listen, as a client, I’m not terribly worried about you doing this because you wouldn’t have likely gotten this far by failing to control yourself, and your discussion points at work…even in social settings around the office. However, even grizzled veterans sometimes, in a momentary lapse of judgment, can say things or ask things that get them into trouble. Guard your tongue.

No, I’m not talking about TMI as we normally think about it – personal details we sometimes share that make others feel uncomfortable. I’m talking about WORK ISSUES that we wrongly share.

You can wrongly share work information in three ways (or perhaps a combination of them):

a. You can share things you shouldn’t share with anybody.

b. You can share things you shouldn’t share right now.

c. You can share things you shouldn’t share with that person.

Timing, the person being told and the fact that it was YOU who told it – those can have a horrible impact on your career and on others, too.

It’s Lonely At The Top

You’re a leader else we wouldn’t be working together. That means you’ve got direct reports and a level of responsibility weightier than the average bear at your workplace. It also means you have to understand and exercise discretion.

Discretion is defined as the quality of behaving or speaking in such a way as to avoid causing offense or revealing private information; the quality of having or showing discernment or good judgment; the quality of behaving or speaking in such a way as to avoid social embarrassment or distress.

Let me expound on those dictionary definitions a bit.

Discretion is the quality of not revealing information that may impede the performance of your employees or direct reports.

Yes, that means sharing things with them that may not serve them well. It means keeping some things to yourself. That’s why the cliche, “It’s lonely at the top” is trite, but true. It is lonely as a leader. Especially when YOU have to keep your mouth shut in order to enhance the performance of your direct reports.

“Well, I would never lie to my people,” you might be thinking.

You should NEVER lie to your people. I’ll go further and encourage you to never lie to ANYBODY. However, just because you know something, or think something, doesn’t mean you should tell it. And if you think that’s lying, then I have no earthly idea how you got this far in your career being that stupid! Call me immediately and fire me ’cause I’m sure I’ll be unable to help you.

Too often leaders forget their pledge of loneliness.

Let me put it into terms you’ll likely understand.

When you were growing up did your parents sit down and tell you all the problems they were suffering? I don’t care if they had marriage problems, financial problems or something else. As a child living at home, were you in the loop on those kinds of things? (For years I’ve asked this and grown increasingly jaded worried that somebody will say, “YES.” Thankfully, so far that hasn’t happened. I hope you’re not going to break my streak.)

I don’t care if you’re a parent or not, you surely understand the wisdom of parents who protect their children from such information. It’s quite literally TOO MUCH INFORMATION for a child to burdened with. It serves no useful purpose to put such things on children. It’s selfish on the part of the parent who would dare do such a thing.

It’s selfish when you do it, too!

Leaders often share things they should not because:

They lack self-control
They’re too friendly with staff members
They don’t maintain professional distance
They’re selfish and self-centered
They don’t see themselves as protectors and guardians
They’re lonely

Yes, there are likely many other reasons you can think of, but this list encompasses most of the ones I commonly see.

True confession (no, this won’t be TMI I promise): I rarely sit down with team members within weeks of initial engagement without unearthing some rather important TMI related issue. It’s remarkable how frequently this erupts into something under the surface…something the leader never intended. People are told things, sometimes in confidence, and the information begins to destroy their ability to do good work. I’ve seen it even destroy their ability to work, period.

People will say to me, “I wish he had never told me that.” Or they ask, “Why would he tell me that?”

I don’t gloss it over, but I don’t go through that list above either. Listen, I know leadership is lonely and I know that a leader’s credibility is always – ALWAYS – on the line. The last thing I want to do is undermine yours IF you’ve been guilty of TMI in the workplace! But I do owe these people a bit of guidance and help and I usually answer these people with honesty about how we’re all people who feel the need to share. Increasingly, with social media and smartphone technology we’re compelled to share more and more. That means, sometimes we share more than we should without even thinking about it. We can all relate to those facts. Then, I encourage them to deal with how this TMI has negatively impacted their work by letting me mediate a conversation about it. Sometimes they prefer to go it alone and talk directly – in private – with the leader. Other times they’re reluctant to even let me help. So important is this issue, I refuse to let up until I gain agreement to handle these things because they grow and fester over time.

I know you mean well, but…

You cannot discuss the poor work or weaknesses of employees with other employees.There are countless variations of this, but you must be so on guard that you refuse to poor mouth people behind their back. This is especially true when you’re dealing with a peer group. For instance, you have 6 direct reports. Casually, in an impromptu meeting with 2 of them you say something about a third member of your team. It’s not flattering. You think nothing of it until you begin to notice a sour attitude of that team member. You may not even remember saying it and you certainly aren’t thinking either of your 2 reports who heard the comment would run to the person to tell them. On all counts…you’d be wrong!

1. You cannot reveal possible changes that might negatively impact a person.

The operative term is “possible.” This is so common that I’ve labored for years with trying to figure out why leaders do it, but so far I don’t have any million dollar insights other than…they’re trying to see how the person might react. That’s not a good enough reason to do it. Let me explain, a SVP (senior vice president) of a division is sitting in your office. You happen to know that HQ is giving serious thought to eliminately this position within that division and reassigning him elsewhere. It’s not yet been decided, but you decide to send up a test balloon by talking about it. You try to couch your words carefully (this is your inner signal that you’re making a BIG MISTAKE). He grows increasingly uneasy in his chair and begins to ask the questions any sane person would.

Now you’re uneasy in your chair and you begin to crawfish and back pedal. The meeting ends and what good have you done? NONE. You’ve now stepped in a pile of crap that will hurt your employee, you and the entire operation. All because you just had to tell him what *might* happen.Here’s the explanation I most often get: “Well, don’t you think they deserve to know?” My answer: “No, they don’t.” For starters, they don’t deserve to know hypotheticals or possibilities unless they’re on the leadership team making such decisions. Secondly, they don’t deserve to be given crappy information. You can’t possibly give them anything to support them when the plan hasn’t even been fully hatched yet. Giving people a “heads up” is wrong. It’d be like a doctor speculating with us about having cancer without having run any tests to first confirm it. It’s just cruel.

2. You cannot blame your boss.

You have a regular meeting with your boss. The boss has made some suggestions – maybe even strong suggestions – regarding one of your team members or perhaps a number of them. At your next staff meeting you lay into your team telling them all about how your boss said this and your boss said that. You think you’re just being candid and open. Instead, you’re being selfish and arrogant. You’re an idiot.And you’re deflecting. You’re blaming the boss in hopes you’re team won’t think it’s YOU who are trying to elevate their performance. It’s your boss who is dissatisfied, it’s not you! You’re in it with your team and if it were up to you, you’d be happy. Blah, blah, blah!

It sounds ridiculous when you read it or hear me say it, doesn’t it? Too bad it didn’t sound as ridiculous when you told your team. Now, it’s like toothpaste squeezed from the tube…you can’t put it back. It’s done now. And it’s gonna cost you some mojo in your leadership because here’s what you don’t know – your team is losing respect for you.

3. You cannot point fingers.

This can be private in one-on-one meetings or it may be in a more public staff meeting. It’s interesting to me how often this happens when the person being targeted isn’t in the room. “Well, that last campaign had some difficulties. Sam knows he should have handled a few things better.” Meanwhile, Sam isn’t even in the building. The leader has just thrown Sam under the bus. Maybe Sam was at fault, but this is TMI and it’s poor leadership. A better option, if indeed Sam’s campaign was a talking point, would be for the leader to say, “Sam isn’t here, but I’ll let you guys know that he deserved more support from me in that last campaign. He and I have talked and we’re both going to make sure we do a better job of it next time.” It’s a completely different message and it’ll make a big difference in how the room sees your leadership.

“He’ll throw Sam under the bus, but he’d never do that to me,” right? See, this is where leaders lose their mind in thinking that TMI won’t hurt them. Only an idiot would think they’re immune from you throwing them under the bus if they see you do it to others. And pointing a finger IS throwing people under the bus. You don’t think so, but your people do.

4. You cannot take it out on your people.

I’ve sat in meetings with people and discussed the meeting privately with both leaders and their direct reports after the fact. The leader sometimes views the meeting as having “gone well.” The direct may say, “boy, he’s sure grumpy today.” Same meeting, two completely viewpoints.

The leader feels the meeting went well completely unaware that his foul mood permeated the meeting. That flat tire he got on the way to work entered that meeting. With frayed nerves he unknowingly barked a bit more than normal. He’s been snappy all morning. The staff has spent all morning trying to figure out why and what they can do to stay out of harm’s way. The lost man hours stack up because the leaders lacked the discipline to protect the work (and his people) from his own issues (professional or personal, it doesn’t matter!).

I can’t possibly review all the possibilities, but hopefully you now have the idea about the negative power of TMI. But before I end let me address one final item that is part of this.

Leaders sometime think they’re helping employees with a bit of “inside” information.

In the quest to let an employee feel closer to the boss, sometimes leaders will draw employees into their confidence. Now, I’m not talking about a person who may be in your true inner circle vital to your decision making. I’m talking about a person who has no need for TMI, a person whose work (and head) may be hampered with TMI.

I challenge you to consider WHY you are telling an employee this information. WHY?

If you are telling them in order to make them feel more like an insider, don’t. There are more effective ways to accomplish that. Namely, by talking with them one-on-one and telling them how important they are to your team, how you value their contribution and how you’d like to place a bit more responsibility on them. Isn’t that going to leave them feeling better than pulling them aside to confide some “secret” thing to them?

Think before you speak. Think before you act. Next time I’m going to talk a bit more about SERVING (I might share that session with you at a future date) your people because it’s an important message that can’t be emphasized too much. It’s a fitting way to end today’s session by reminding you that your job, as a leader, is to help your people do the best work possible. That means you have to guard the information you share with them.

Okay, that’s the end of my executive coaching session number 8. Now, let’s get back to the topic at hand of always being straight with people.

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Candid Talk Isn’t The Same As Difficult Conversation, But You Need To Do Both

I don’t think you can have a successful difficult conversation without candor, but that doesn’t mean every candid conversation is a difficult one. Well, it shouldn’t be.

Some leaders (a’hem, “managers”) struggle with difficult conversations. Confronting poor performance, bad behavior, rule violations and other conduct is brutal for them. They get sick at their stomach, break out into a sweat and experience high heart rates. The anxiety can overwhelm some leaders, forcing them to ignore what they know they really need to do. If they have a strong sense of self-examination, they can beat themselves up over their “weakness.” If they don’t, then mayhem creeps into the organization because a lack of accountability becomes more the norm.

My experience in coaching executives indicates that the leaders who struggle with difficult conversations have faulty thinking about the whole process, and the value it serves their people and the organization. Most of us were brought up to be polite. I learned early in life to call adults “sir” and “ma’am.” Even today, if my 2-year-old grandson wants a mint or some candy, I make him say, “Please” before I give it to him. And once he’s got it in hand, I make him say, “Thank you.” That’s ingrained into most of us at an early age. Then we go to school where we’re urged to play nice with others. Fast forward to our first supervisory role at work and we’ve got a lifetime of learning polite manners. Now we’ve got to confront something that involves us calling somebody out. Being impolite. Possibly hurting somebody’s feelings.

WRONG.

Let’s think about what leaders are really doing…their primary purpose. Serving.

Leaders exist to serve their organization by first serving their people, then serving all the other customers. Those customers might be users, clients, partners, suppliers or anybody else. Any leader unwilling to put the employees at the forefront of their attention isn’t worthy of the title. And it can’t simply be lip service. It has to be real, authentic and genuine!

“Do everything you ask of those you command.” – General Patton

Now, let’s consider that difficult conversation. Suppose you’ve got an employee who has slipped into the habit of being tardy. You wonder what’s going on because a week ago she began to come to the office 10 to 15 minutes late. Every single day. This is a new behavior. At first, you figured it was an outlier so you left it alone, but it’s now been 5 days straight of coming in late. You know you need to handle it, but your inner voice is telling you to just let things go and see how it plays out.

Question: How does letting it play out serve the employee?

Answer: It doesn’t. You just feel better not having to confront it. You embrace letting your mind convince you that this otherwise good employee is best served by remaining quiet. But you’re not thinking about the employee or your team. You’re being selfish. You’re thinking about avoiding what you think could be a difficult conversation.

You can *best* serve this employee by holding them accountable, making sure they know a) you’ve noticed their tardiness, b) it’s not acceptable because it will hinder their work, c) it’s not acceptable because it will influence the rest of the team negatively and d) you’re not going to relax your standards for this employee, or for any member of your team. It’s the stuff of higher performance!

The dread is worse than the reality — most of the time.

I’ve had some really difficult conversations in my career. Everything from inappropriate attire to dating amongst co-workers (where inappropriate behavior creeps into the workplace) to drug use, theft and fist fights (all in the workplace). I can give you 3 fundamental keys to being straight with people during difficult conversations:

1. Be prompt.

As soon as you’ve got your facts, engage the employee. Don’t put it off. Don’t overthink it. Don’t talk yourself out of it. But don’t be guilty of the knee-jerk reaction either. And depending on the issue, don’t go in with guns ablazing. Be prepared to listen, but be quick about it.

2. Be understanding, but firm.

Our tardy employee may be going through something you don’t know about. For instance, she might tell you, “I’m sorry I’ve been running late. Last week my mother was placed into intensive care in the hospital. She had a stroke. I’ve been sleeping at the hospital and it’s a longer drive to work.”

Is that an extraordinary circumstance? You bet. And you can handle this however you and your organization see fit, but I’ve had things like that come up throughout my career. My first inclination would be to express my sympathies while encouraging the employee to come to me and keep me informed. I might seek her permission to share this with the rest of the team so others know that her sudden tardiness isn’t the result of her becoming a slackard. I might even work with her to adjust her hours temporarily to fit her current circumstance. I’m not going to let her off the hook and do nothing! That’s not serving her best interests. With a very ill mom in the hospital, how can letting her work habits slip possibly make her life better?

3. Be brief.

These are not times to belabor things. Make the conversation only as long as it needs to be. When I’ve had to deal with internal theft issues the conversations have taken mere seconds. I may have spent weeks fact finding, gathering irrefutable evidence and even lining up appropriate witnesses who can positively confirm the crime. If it’s a petty amount I may reserve the right to simply fire the person and let them walk. In other cases, I’ve notified the authorities and had them at the ready, or even present when I fired an employee. It’s not a long, drawn out ordeal.

Other times I’ve had situations like the worker whose mom is in ICU. Those understandably take longer. The employee is highly emotional, apologetic and feeling badly.

And there are two things I’d encourage you to think about in order to have an effective difficult conversation where correction is the goal. One, you must necessarily make the person feel appropriately uncomfortable. This is the part that curbs a leader’s enthusiasm for having these conversations. If you’re a parent, you already know the value of this part of it. People have to know you’re disappointed and why. That’s part of the process. Without it, you won’t be serving your employees.

When I was 16 working in a hi-fi store I was working the grand opening of a new location. The company had two departments: hi-fi and photo. I knew nothing about photo. An older man walked into the bustling store and I approached him. He asked about some specific piece of photo gear. I told him I worked in hi-fi, but that together we’d find out. I spotted the general manager, Don, across the store. With the shopper in tow, I asked, “Don, this guy is looking for (whatever the item was). Do we carry those?” Don said, “Yes, sir. I’ll be glad to help you” and off they went. I continued to help other customers. At some point, when I wasn’t busy Don spotted me and motioned me to the stock room. We walked into the back store room where Don said, “Randy, do you remember bringing me that shopper looking for some photo gear?” I was a good employee, a top sales guy. There was something about this though that made me uncomfortable. I knew I had done something wrong. I just didn’t know what it was.

“Yes, sir,” I replied. “Do you remember what you said?” he asked. Man, I was stumped. I didn’t have a clue. He could tell I was puzzled. I didn’t answer because I didn’t have an answer, but Don knew me pretty well. After all, we both worked at the main headquarter location so he saw me regularly and interacted me regularly. While I was still pondering what in the world I could have done wrong Don said, “Our shoppers aren’t guys — they’re GENTLEMEN.”

I nodded and said, “Of course. Yes.” And that was it. It only took seconds. I never called a shopper a guy again. That was over 40 years ago, but the impact it had on me was profound. Don served me well. I was a good employee. He was working hard to make me better. And he did. I’ll never forget him for it.

The second component of corrective conversations is something Don did right. He was specific. Clear and specific. I knew precisely what I had done wrong and I knew specifically how to fix it.

Be honest with yourself and your people. Serve them. Serve them well. We’ll continue this next time by going a bit more big picture and talk about how communication determines the culture of our organizations.

Randy.Black

255 Leadership: Always Be Straight With People (Part 1) Read More »

"We're Not Smart Enough About That Yet" - HIGHER HUMAN PERFORMANCE Podcast Episode 267

The Word: Evidence

Communication, Leadership, Video / By Randy Cantrell

The dictionary definition of “evidence” is:

the available body of facts or information indicating whether a belief or proposition is true or valid”

My first blush take on the word deals with careers and organizations. Today’s video is based on using the word as it relates to interpersonal relationships at work.

Randy

The Word: Evidence Read More »