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We’re now up to chapter 4, “Habit Of Relationship.”

Leaders need external and disinterested people who can help them explore sensitive issues and uncertainties. Otherwise, they become isolated. 

With power and responsibility comes isolation. Every leader is surrounded by people who have an agenda. 

There is a difference between allies and confidants. Allies provide the second opinion. Rather than approach the people on your team as enemies or as threats, see them as the allies they are (and should be). Their opinions are valuable to you. 

It’s all part of the Habit of Relationship.

The Habit Of Relationship Begins With Relationship To Self

You need to learn how to work with team members and thinking partners (Habit of Relationship) to make sure you’re undertaking the right kind of thinking (Habit of Mind) on important issues. In fully engaged exponential thinking with others you:

• Listen.
• Are willing to be wrong.
• Ask for help.
• Create an environment in which people feel safe expressing opinions. 
• Share the spotlight.
• Know when to do expert and exponential thinking.
• Think about yourself as part of a larger whole — or many larger wholes.
• Are committed to developing your own capacity and that of others.

How many times have you worked with leaders who you felt really didn’t listen, never admitted being wrong, or took all the credit? How likely were they to miss things, have others not tell them important information, or find themselves unwittingly out on a limb on some issue? How often did you feel such leaders were committed to developing the best in their team or in themselves?

Now, look at yourself. How would you rate yourself in all those areas? Knowing yourself is the starting point. The next step is to build relationships that support and sustain your leadership, with trust. Trust isn’t static. It changes. There are many good reasons to build a high-trust company and culture, but that doesn’t mean the same levels of trust apply to everybody equally. Trust has to be constantly revisited. 

Understanding Trust

The author’s research reveals three fundamental distinctions of trust that leaders must understand and develop: personal trust, expertise trust, and structural trust. 

Personal trust. This is the trust that develops in the workplace from shared tasks and an understanding of what makes your colleagues tick. For most, this is the basic meaning of trust. It’s knowing your teammates won’t let you down when it counts. It’s also a problem for people promoted to leadership. 

It boils down to your belief if the person is honest and ethical. And your belief they’ll make good on their word. Coupled with your confidence that they’ll maintain confidentiality and discretion. 

This understanding of trust is what gets leaders into trouble later on. The team that proved so ready to help when you were one of them has a different agenda now that you’re a leader. They now are looking at you for two things: the same old trust and something new, access to the power and influence that come with your new position. 

You can’t trust them as you once did. You know something is different, even if you can’t clarify what it is. So you start to behave differently. 

Two new kinds of trust that go beyond personal trust now become important. Failure to understand them will trap you and end your career before you even have a chance to soar. 

Expertise Trust

This trust comes from competence and knowledge in a particular area. You’ve got colleagues who are brilliant about a specific area. You feel completely confident speaking with them about that area. But there are other areas of the business that you wouldn’t dream of discussing with them. Nor should you.

Expertise trust focuses on the knowledge, judgment and thinking abilities of somebody else. Do I trust that these people are expert in their fields? That their knowledge is up to date? Do I trust the information they gather to inform and support their positions? That they’ll know and tell me when they know? These are the types of questions to ask about people’s expertise. 

Structural Trust

This trust refers to how much someone’s position or role affects your confidence that they’ll be able to deal with you straightforwardly. Some questions to ask here might include, “Are they in a role where their judgment and thinking is likely to be majorly influenced by their need to advance their goals, self-interest or advocacy?” Are they able to be loyal to me? Where might they have competing loyalties? Are they likely to filter data because of their role? Will their role hinder them from being fully honest and open with me? 

This is the kind of trust that changes the most as you become more senior. At the entry level, in most companies, you have relatively little reason to be concerned with structural trust, but as you move higher, increasingly the people you encounter will want to influence your thinking for their own purposes. 

Your relationships are interlaced with self-interest, advocacy and multiple loyalties (not just to you). It’s not necessarily a bad thing – you want a team where these things line up. The problem is many leaders either don’t understand the dynamics at play or don’t know how to translate this knowledge to work in their best interest – or both. 

The absence of high structural trust relationships is a critical hole in your leadership team. You must have some people in your inner circle with whom you share the highest levels of structural trust as well as high personal and expertise trust. 

Leaders Must Think Systematically About The Nature Of Their Relationships

As you rise through the leadership ranks, the nature of your relationships become more complex. It’s never too early to think systematically about your work teams, advisers, experts and friends. 

We need to explore three different categories of relationships:

1. action vs. inquiry
2. internal vs. external
3. working vs. inner circle

Begin by developing your action and inquiry teams. Every leader needs action teams to carry out the daily business of the operation. You need to fight fires, solve problems, set goals, meet contingencies and all the rest of the operational necessities. Beyond that, you need inquiry teams to help you think beyond what’s urgent and immediate to what’s important and long-lasting. You need teams to help you think about strategy, direction, focus, sustained growth, the market and all the other things vital to future proofing your thinking. 

Action and inquiry teams may not always be independent. Leadership at all levels requires agility in working with many of the same people in both modes: action and inquiry. 

You also have to build your internal and external circles. Exponential thinking means balancing action and inquiry, working with both internal and external people. By its very nature, exponential thinking is a matter of crossing intellectual boundaries. You can’t do the whole job confining yourself to the internal world of your company. Nor can you do the whole job without unfiltered information, without looking for hidden or habitual assumptions, or without vetting key ideas with people not invested in the perspective or culture of your company. 

The better your internal teams, the better your external teams need to be. That’s how you can leverage the outside boundaries to your best use. It’s how you build a culture that embraces new ideas, constantly raises the bar, invites collaboration and is positioned for flexibility. 

Leaders Need To Balance Internal And External, Inner And Working-Circle Relationships

Back in the 60’s and 70’s a leader’s external network wasn’t complicated. Typically, it was populated by old friends and by the traditional professional service providers like attorneys, accountants, and bankers. 

Since the 70’s and 80’s newer professional services including management, technology, and infrastructure consulting joined the ranks. These professionals typically provide highly skilled resources that can augment the capacities of your teams.

In the 90’s the leadership territory has expanded to include an even wider range of external people. Today your work likely crosses boundaries with customers and supply chain. Alliances and joint venture partners abound. You’re working with more external people on action. So you need to expand your external teams for inquiry in a similar way. 

Who exactly do you recruit for each network?

Contacts Are The People At The Edges Of Your Network

Contacts are the folks who make up your extended network. These are your Linkedin connections and the people in your contact list. They’re generally casual acquaintances, people you’re in touch with occasionally. They’re invaluable.

Your working circle is the essence of your daily life. Your inner circle is increasingly important as you rise through the ranks. 

Your working circle is made up of the people you’re regularly in contact with and count on as resources. The distinction between working circle and inner circle takes on greater significance as a person progresses from early leader to key leader to senior leader. 

The author goes on to discuss these different leadership levels and diagrams how these roles impact our circles. She offers one warning: never mistake a working-circle inquiry team member for an inner-circle inquiry team member. The former possibly has conflicting loyalties. 

You should read this chapter carefully and give deeper thought to the terms the author has created to identify these various people who surround you. By now you likely realize this is a dynamic and complex arrangement of people who can (and will) influence you. 

The Third Opinion Balances Your Entire Inner Circle

The people you choose to join you in this inner circle of thinking partners have to be committed to and capable of functioning without conflict of interests or divided loyalty. You also need access to people who are your peers. What counts is range of experience, ability, and judgment.

Permit me to insert here — this truth is precisely why I’m launching The Peer Advantage by Bula Network. The ability and opportunity for a leader to assemble such a group of thinking partners is something many leaders never do. Fact is, most don’t. A ridiculously low percentage of top leaders and business owners take advantage of getting with a group of peers who have no ties, no conflicts of interest and no agenda other than to help (and a willingness to be helped). It’s been proven to be among the top decision-making tools for a leader. You’d think more would leverage it for their benefit. But as the authors of THE POWER OF PEERS pointed out, it’s largely unknown by leaders. They’re not stupid, but they’re ignorant that such groups exist (and can serve them in ways unavailable anywhere else). Additionally, it requires intentional, strategic assembly. Too many leaders rely on it to just happen. Organically. And it doesn’t. What does happen organically is you typically find yourself surrounded mostly by people just like you – people who think like you do, agree with you (mostly) and closely mirror who you are. That’s the opposite of what Ms. Joni calls “exponential thinking,” where you’re exposed to all the various sides of an issue. So leaders need somebody who can put them at the table with inner circle thinking partners who will serve them without any agenda other than to make sure every member of the group excels. That’s exactly what The Peer Advantage offers. Learn more by going to ThePeerAdvantage.com. 

This chapter closes with a section entitled, Four Signs That It’s Time To Reach For The Third Opinion. The author has listened to leaders throughout the years to assemble some patterns that have emerged about how and when these leaders knew it was time to reach to the inner circle. 

1. “I’m capable of this, but I just don’t have time to think about all of it with the right amount of focus.”
2. If I don’t get this right, we’ll be in serious trouble.”
3. Even if I had the time, I shouldn’t take on these issues alone.”
4. I can handle this, but how might I accelerate or enable significantly better results if I thought through my options with someone else?”

Trust and perspective have never been more critical for leaders. The development of your inquiry inner circle is lifelong and evolving. It’s never too late to start, and it does look different at different stages of your career. Trust takes time. It can’t be created instantly. It can’t be coerced. It can’t be bought. 

Next time we’ll summarize chapter 5, Habit Of Focus.

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Consumerism isn’t just about buying products. It’s also about buying ideas, notions, suggestions and advice. I know. Because I’m in what some call “the advice giving” business. But that’s not at all what I do.

Most of us are surrounded by people who should us. “You should,” is very often the beginning of the sentence we hear after sharing some challenge or opportunity with others. And before we can throw rocks at them, we have to be mindful that we do the exact same thing to them.

Linkedin, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and other social interaction platforms are filled every minute with platitudes, advice and wisdom telling us how to behave, manage, lead, work and live. For those of us who read – my hand is in the air – massive volumes of words are published annually exhorting us to embrace a variety of ideas, concepts and strategies to achieve higher performance. I’ve contributed my fair share to the noise. Are podcasts your thing? Mine, too. Millions of hours of podcasts and video are produced cheerleading, coaching, teaching, exhorting and admonishing us to do this, avoid doing that and try this other thing. The noise that surrounds us is growing louder every day, adding to the collective wisdom of how we’re not doing what we should…and urging us to change.

Late last year I began to collaborate with Leo Bottary, co-author of the book THE POWER OF PEERS. We launched a new podcast, YEAR OF THE PEER, featuring Leo’s tagline, “Who you surround yourself with matters.” One of the guests some months ago was Scott Mordell, CEO of YPO, a peer advisory company that helps young entrepreneurs join forces to elevate their own performance, and help each other do the same. During that interview Scott commented that so many situations exist in our lives where people “should us.” They tell us what they think we ought to do. Under his leadership YPO has focused on avoiding that, instead choosing rather to concentrate on sharing experiences so members can learn from one another. It’s a dramatic, but perhaps subtle shift in thinking and learning. Some have called it documenting versus preaching or telling.

Years of coaching professionals – mostly with a focus on leadership – taught me that questions are vastly superior to the process. As opposed to directives, suggestions or any other variation of advice. Helping people think through the things they needed to think through always seemed to me to be the best form of service. Mostly because my clients aren’t me. And I’m not them. It always seemed inappropriate to impose myself on clients, or to inject myself in their situations. This is their life. Their career. Along with it, are their fears, concerns, worries and anxieties.

I’m a lifelong reader and learner. The fact that you’re here suggests you likely are, too. I enjoy hearing of the experiences and expertise of others. The stories are often compelling, sometimes moving. And I work to figure out what I’m able to use for my situation.

I know why things are as they are. Many people want to be told what they should do. They may lament, “I don’t want anybody telling me what to do” or “I’m tired of people telling me what to do.” But the fact that so many people are attempting to tell us what we should do likely speaks to the desire many people have to just be told. I think I know why. It feels easier. Simpler. It’s why we love those clickbait headlines, “10 Things You Can Do To Get The Job Of Your Dreams.” We want simple, easy – done for me – solutions.

Life is more complex. Our history littered with scars, hurt and pain. Our heads often filled with the racket of past failures and missed opportunities. Our lives are anything but quiet.

Then, we go adding to that. Inserting more noise into our lives. Listening to every guru who resonates with us, searching for somebody to help us make things easier. Simpler. More straight forward. We hop from pundit to pundit, reading their blog posts, listening to their podcasts, watching their videos and reading their books. Maybe we buy their courses. Adding to the cumulative noise in our heads and our lives. Like the serial dieter, always searching for the one key that will unlock the door to our highest potential. Frustrated that the last one didn’t work. Hopeful that the next one will.

We’re hamsters on a wheel. Running for all we’re worth. Going nowhere fast. Sold on a notion that somebody else out there has the answer we most seek. Believing we lack what others have. And if only we could find it, then our dreams would come true.

What if we’re wrong?

What if things aren’t at all as we think they are?

Last week I sat with somebody and reminded them of the Genesis record in the Bible. Yes, I believe God created the world. And I believe what the Bible says, that God created mankind “in His image.” This person sitting in front of me also believed that.

As we talked about a variety of issues in their life, I had to remind us both that God created us in His image. God was able to speak things into existence. We’re not God. We’re not nearly as important as we sometimes think we are. And often not nearly as powerful to overcome our challenges, but we are made in God’s image, which means we can think. And it means we can make up our mind.

My friend and I were discussing resolution. Moving beyond conflict. The question was, how do we go about that? The answer is simple, but difficult. We make up our mind. Just as God was able to make up His mind, we make up our mind. No, I don’t mean in some law of attraction or the “secret” kind of way where we simply think something and it suddenly is manifested in physical life. But I do mean that we can do an awful lot of powerful things first in our minds. We can forgive, repent and change. We can be glad, sad and worried. And we’re capable of any and all of these things in an instant, in our head. Sometimes we can hold many of these seemingly contrary thoughts at the same time. We have an amazing capacity when we stop to consider it.

One of the most powerful challenges I’ve ever encountered is one I continue to urge others to consider.

What if you’re wrong?

What if it’s not as you think it is? What if it isn’t as it appears?

What if your life isn’t enhanced with a choir of people telling you what you ought to be, and what you ought to do, and how you ought to do it?

What if your business or career aren’t improved by the latest, greatest, coolest advice of the day? You realize the so-called “best” advice of 2012 has been surpassed at least 5 times in the last 5 years, don’t you? And 2018 will bring yet more advice – different advice. The Bible itself talked about how such things would work.

Ecclesiastes 12:12 “And furthermore, my son, be admonished: of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh.”

But it’s not just books. Or blog posts. Or podcasts. It’s human interaction. It’s our need and desire to want to tell others what they should do. In short, it’s judgment. It’s our judgment as we look at somebody else’s circumstance or situation. As one business owner client many years ago said to a man who was critical of how he was running things retorted. “You know the difference between you and me? I’m betting with my money that I’m right.” Nuff said.

Critics abound. Advice givers, too. Experts. Thought leaders. Authors. Pundits.

If you want to be one, just give yourself the label. Change your Linkedin profile to include whatever you’d like and presto! Now you are one.

Yet there is a truth to Einstein’s quote. “The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind.” And here’s the real kicker. It doesn’t have to happen alone. In fact, it may be best served by surrounding yourself with others who are also seeking a quiet life where they can find higher achievement. A life not filled with advice givers, or experts, but with people who care enough to ask meaningful questions. A quiet life surrounded by friends who have our best interest and therefore refuse to impose on us what they might do if put in our place. Because they know they aren’t us. A life surrounded by people who respect the fact that they’re not us and we’re not them, but a quiet life where we all understand the value we can bring to each others’ lives because of our different experiences.

Famed humorist Erma Bombeck once said, ““It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.” She was absolutely right. And it also takes courage to help somebody achieve their dreams without imposing on them yours.

I’m not going to tell you what you should do because I honestly don’t know. I know that I’ve got questions. Questions about my own life and career and business. Questions about the things in the lives of my clients. And I also know that by sharing our experiences and what has happened – and is happening to us – with others, we can help them figure out some things for themselves. I know it doesn’t happen as organically as we’d like. We have to intentionally put ourselves in circumstances where we can experience solitude and quiet. Sometimes it means we’re alone. Quite often, it doesn’t. Solitude and quiet can often best happen when we’re surrounded in the comfort and security of trusted people who are unfailing in their desire to help us become our very best — and they respect us enough to let us decide for ourselves what that looks like.

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When you develop an idea it’s worth nothing until you take some action. That’s the primary thing that separates achievers from the rest of the population. It’s why NDA’s are mostly useless. The odds of anybody stealing your idea are remote. Most people aren’t acting on their own ideas…much less yours.

Doing is the key. Not thinking. Not planning. Not preparing. It doesn’t mean those things aren’t important, but too many people approach them as singular activities happening in a silo. They don’t work like that in real life. Not if we’re going to move forward. They’re more like so many other things in our lives – things like work/life balance, or operating our businesses. Things happen simultaneously. In parallel.

Too often we feel like we have to do things in some special sequence and in isolation. No. That’s what kills us. I’ve let it kill me in the past. Don’t let it keep happening to you.

Knowing Enough

We just have to know enough to know what to do next. Here’s what looks like for this Bula Network group.

One, I know I don’t want to assemble a big group. I want to keep it more intimate and close knit. Seven is a lucky number. And it’s odd, not even. It feels right and who cares if it’s 100% correct or not. It’s enough to provide the diversity I’m looking for. And it’s small enough to form the depth that really matters to me…making the group powerful for every member.

Two, I know I want to get this group together virtually because I don’t want to limit it geographically. There are some practical reasons for that. I don’t want to limit myself to people in my area, even though I live in a major metro area. I don’t want to hassle with scheduling time to get to some location, setting up a room and making sure the logistics are in place for a face-to-face meeting. I don’t want people who are experiencing the identical economy. So this point has both a utility benefit and a value benefit.

Three, I know I want to get this group together in meetings that last no more than 2 hours. For a group this size I know a lot can be accomplished in 2 hours if the preparation is done. And I’m going to be prepared. Additionally, I know with a virtual online group preparation can happen via email, messaging and other tools so we can avoid wasting time when we’re online together. Too much time gets wasted in face-to-face meetings with kicking the ball around, housekeeping details and other nonsense. I’m not going to foster or allow any of that.

Four, I know I want to get this group together at least every 3 weeks. Ideally, I’d like to do it every other week, but I’m flexible depending on what the members want. I know I want a minimum of 16 or 17 meetings each year and a maximum of 24. By the time we get to this detail I’m happy to adjust based on the feedback I get.

Five, I know I want small business owners who operate companies in any space except “sin” industries like porn, nightclubs, tobacco, alcohol or pot. This is a personal choice. I’m not willing to devote myself to helping every business grow. I’m targeting prospective members who own businesses generating $5 to $30 million annually. I prefer to have business owners who are within a more narrow range of revenue because I know the problems of a $5M business are very different from the one doing $30M. I’m purposefully starting out with that broad of a range to see how things go. Again, I’ll adjust as I go. If I find myself connecting with more owners of $10M than $5 or $30, then I’ll concentrate on a more narrow range like $8 to $12M. You get the idea.

Six, I’m only concentrating on owners. The #1. Every seat at the virtual table will be occupied by somebody who can make THE decision. The work is so deep and so powerful, it’ll demand a person who can make a commitment to take action. This is going to be a no excuses group. Anybody who has a board of directors who really run things won’t be welcome to this group. I’m aiming to serve the people who have the entire burden of running the business squarely on their own shoulders!

Seven, I’m going to concentrate from the Central time zone toward the east or west. There’s a four hour time swing from the east coast to the west coast. I don’t want a group where that time swing presents a problem. So I’m going to keep this particular group all Central and Eastern time zone, or all Central, Mountain and Pacific time zones. That’s important for my prospecting. For now, I’m concentrating on the Central time zone since it’s the one I occupy and it includes a large area of the country. I’ll figure things out from there.

Eight, I’m going to use the book, THE POWER OF PEERS, as my template for forming a highly effective group. By now you likely know I’m working with Leo Bottary helping him produce his podcast. Leo is a co-author of that book. In the book, Leo and his co-author Leon Shapiro outline the 5 factors for peer advantage. I’m going to focus intently on these: select the right peers, create a safe environment, utilize a smart guide, foster valuable interaction and be accountable.

For now I’m clearly going to focus on that first factor, select the right peers. Based on the ideas detailed in the book it starts with shared values that matter. Members of the group have to identify with one another. The group is smarter than any individual member. It’s important that every member not just understand it, but that they believe it.

Questions matter. For decades I’ve operated businesses with the knowledge that the quality of our questions determines the quality of our business. Better answers result from better questions. Leaders in this group will be selected based on their belief that they’ll benefit from insightful questions from the group. It’s not just about getting answers to our questions, but it’s about having our answers questioned. Business owners who aren’t completely comfortable and confident in this value aren’t going to be fit for this group.

Owners in every industry share aspirations, dreams, desires, challenges and opportunities. Each industry thinks its challenges are unique. I’m not minimizing that some industries do face special challenges. For instance, some industries are more highly regulated than others. But we’ve all got far more in common than not. We’re just well acquainted with our challenges and pain points. That focus on our own stuff makes us tend to think other industries have it better. Mostly we’re wrong. We just don’t know their problems.

There’s a benefit of reaching across and outside our own industry. It broadens our insights. I think it also helps reduce our sense of isolation as we become more familiar with owners operating businesses completely different than our own.

Families work best when each member is willing to accept responsibility for their own decisions and actions. Things break down every time people hide. Growth happens when we face ourselves and our situation. That means accountability is a very important component of building the most effective group possible.

And like a family, it’s important that we have shared goals. As the authors of the book, THE POWER OF PEERS, point out…if you’re going to run a marathon you’ll do well to surround yourself with others who want to run a marathon. Why surround yourself with people who have no interest in accomplishing what you want to accomplish? We want a group where each member is intent on growing their business and growing themselves.

It’s also important to have shared beliefs. To create a safe, confidential group it’s important that each member believe in open and honest exchange of ideas, opinions and perspectives. It’s not about always agreeing. It’s about respecting the value of sharing without inhibition. I’m a super-fan of candor. This group will embrace the value of candid conversations.

I know that the value is found in helping business owners make better decisions so they can improve the actions they take. It’s about real-time wisdom, the ability to get more right than not at the time. Everybody can look backward with a perspective that shows us how we may have been able to improve our choices. This group aims to help each member make better decisions so everybody can take more impactful actions.

These are all the things I know right now. Plenty, right? Of course.

What About You?

What do you know enough already? Why aren’t you doing something about it? Or at least trying to do something?

There are absolutely no guarantees I’ll succeed. But there aren’t any promises I’ll fail either. All it is is head trash or optimism until I try it and find out. It doesn’t matter what anybody thinks or says. The only thing that matters is that I’m determined to build a powerful group of business owners because I know the return on investment will be enormous for every member, and for the collective. I’m determined to make it so.

Are you waiting to learn more? What?

Are you waiting for somebody to tell you it’s a good idea? Why?

What difference does any of that make? None, but you know that already. Still our head trash gets in our way. We stall because we’re uncomfortable carving out our own way, or because we want somebody else to be happy with us. Deciding. Acting. Those are much more difficult than thinking and dreaming. Or wishing. And hoping.

Don’t think for a second that legitimate business owners – I don’t mean all the wannabe “entrepreneurs” – don’t fall prey to complacency. We can all get stuck. And lonely. Wishing somebody would show up to help us out every now and again.

You’ve got people in your life. Professionally. Employees, vendors, customers, partners, suppliers. Our lives are filled with people looking to us as owners. Well-intended, good people. Some of whom are high performers. But they all expect something from us. They’ve all got an agenda…and it’s perfectly okay. Expected even. It’s how the world works.

The odds are ridiculously high that you’ve never been part of a group like I’ve described because they’re extremely rare. You’ve been in industry groups. That’s not even a first cousin to a truly effective peer group where each member is there solely for the purpose of growing themselves and their business — and for helping the other members do the same. That’s a game changer that is just extremely rare in business owner circles. And it’s why I’m intent on making this happen for 7 business owners. It’ll change their lives.

What are you going to start doing to change lives, especially your own? What are you waiting for? Get busy. Let’s go back to work. We’ve got things to do.

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Warning – some sports analogies ahead! 😉

I’m an OU Sooner football fan, the hazards of being born in Oklahoma. Sooner fans were shocked over a month ago when head coach, Lincoln Riley, resigned to take his talents to USC. Within weeks a new head coach was hired, a previous defensive coach for OU whose been in Clemson for the past decade. It was a homecoming for coach Venables and for fans. Within a week or two of his hiring the entire OU football program was completely restructured from top to bottom. The whole thing looked completely different within 30 days or so! It was amazing to watch the OU brain trust reboot themselves – and reinvent what was already a successful program. 

Most OU fans – my hands are in the air – quickly became more excited about the program than we’ve been in a very long time. We went from disbelief that our coach left us for USC to elation over the changes and improvements in coaches, staff and even players! It’s been remarkable and over time I suspect there’ll be many lessons organizations and leaders can learn from such shifts in direction. It truly has been a lesson in how to make lemonade out of lemons. To go from an unexpected resignation to vast improvement.

I regularly ask leaders to consider the hypothetical of losing their top right-hand person. Most don’t want to think about it. But it happens. Would you be able to do what the president and athletic director of OU did? If you’re prepared, bold and able to quickly gather information to deepen your understanding you can. 

On Sunday the Dallas Cowboys disappointed their fans…again. A team that can’t seem to ever get out of their own way, the Cowboys lost their first playoff game of the season – something that seems to be an annual habit, assuming they even make it into the playoffs. Fans worldwide are wondering when and if anything will change. It doesn’t seem it will because Jerry Jones, the owner, continues to keep the coaching staff and other insiders littered with remnants of the past. Since he bought the team and cleaned house, I’m not sure it’s ever happened since. And the results haven’t been great for over 20 years. 

Sunday’s game resulted in some coaching decisions that national and local pundits are claiming should cost the head coach his job. But ownership has expressed high confidence in the coach indicating they have no designs on making a change, an improvement. It begs the question, “Can or will the head coach reboot himself in the off-season and do a better job next season?” Time will tell. If you’re a betting person, I’d suggest you keep your money in your pocket though.

Can you reboot yourself? If so, how?

First of all, of course, you can. Anybody can. Rather than shuffling past that, maybe we ought to spend more time on that point. I’m fascinated by the number of top-level leaders who subscribe to the philosophy that “we are what we are.” Pressed about our ability to change, I mostly hear, “Well, sure people can change but mostly they don’t.” I admit that I endure bouts of being blue – melancholy – especially after over-exposure to pessimistic people. It’s depressing to hear leaders talk about a direct report as though there’s no influence on the planet capable of helping them grow and improve. It goes against everything this podcast is about – change, transformation, growth, and improvement! But I’ve learned there are many, many leaders who feel that way about people on their team. 

Experience has taught me to better understand it though. 

Mostly, we’re surrounded by people – and we have been surrounded by people – who are what they are. We’ve not seen people make big changes in their life. And when people recite examples where people have done it, they’re usually stories of redemption from destructive behavior. A drug addict who got clean. An alcoholic who has been sober for 20 years. A convict who was released and made something of their life. When is the last time you heard a story about growth and improvement – a story about somebody performing at some level who found a way to elevate their performance? We don’t hear those stories. Does it mean they’re not happening? Turns out I think a lot of people assume they don’t happen. 

I define leadership simply as a focus on others coupled with the ability to do for others what they can’t do for themselves. 

Largely, this means leaders have high impact influence (which is why I once used that as the moniker for this podcast). It’s shocking to sit with a leader who simply doesn’t believe she has that level of influence to help people grow and improve. But I honestly think it’s simply because we’re all a bit jaded. And while each of us can do whatever we want, it doesn’t mean we lack the power to help and influence one another to become better!

When asked about my coaching process I usually answer simply. “I help people paint themselves into a corner so they can look in the mirror and begin to figure out what they need to do to grow and improve.” More than half the time people aren’t carefully listening though and they’ll follow up their question with, “You paint people in a corner?” So I have to clarify and repeat my statement, “No, I help people paint THEMSELVES into a corner because that’s where the magic of growth happens – when we no longer have any excuses. We all do what we want. My clients always do the heavy lifting to improve their lives.”

That’s why I’ve posed today’s questions as I have.

Can you reboot yourself? 

How can you reboot yourself?

Yes, others can help. Like the leaders I’ve talked about. Trusted advisors can help. Peers can help. Professionals can help. But the saying is absolutely true…”If it is to be, it’s up to ME.” 

I hope you’re fully convinced you can reboot yourself – even if rebooting means making some necessary, but incremental improvement. I’m also hopeful that as a leader you’re convinced you have a role to play in serving the people on your team. Their performance can be enhanced by your willingness, ability and determination to help them grow and improve. No, you can’t do it for them, but you can give them the best opportunities to figure it out for themselves. And if you’re the boss, then you also have the power of authority, which means you can leverage your influence even further for their good. 

But how can we do this for ourselves?

First, a big dose of reality – you can’t do it for yourself if you don’t want to, or if you don’t see any need. 

There is a remarkable truth about high performers…they’re always looking intently for ways to gain an edge, to find ways to improve. They pursue growth all the time. High performers tend to avoid complacency. And when they do find themselves leaning toward it, they work to get themselves out of it. Their mantra is universal and consistent – keep moving forward!

Conversely, those who have yet to figure that out suffer a myriad of excuses and feeling like victims. Their conversations are peppered with “if only” or phrases meaning the same thing. I’m sure many of them fully believe their statements are true. The universe is imposing on them whatever failures or challenges they suffer. I can’t claim a high degree of success in convincing people otherwise. And at this stage of my life – professionally and personally – I mostly don’t devote an extraordinary amount of time to the cause because I simply have found myself somewhat powerless to convince the unconvinced. More importantly, I choose to invest my time in helping high performers working hard to find an additional 2% improvement than in struggling to convince an average (or even below average performers) that so much more is possible. 

But I’ll share what I’ve learned through the years. 

Step 1: Find a way to see yourself with greater control over the outcomes of your life.

I know it sounds ridiculously simple, but it’s not easy for those who don’t yet believe it. Make up your mind that you’re going to accept responsibility for what happens. It doesn’t mean everything is your fault. It simply means you don’t have power over anybody except yourself. So forget what others are doing – or failing to do. Get busy doing what you can to improve your life. Nobody is going to devote themselves to improving your life as much as you’re able. And there’s no downside to accepting responsibility for your life. It empowers you to do more. It removes any tendencies to feel like you’re a victim. Again, this isn’t about playing the blame game. Forget about who is to blame. Just accept responsibility for your life and move forward no matter what.

Step 2: Surround yourself with safe people. 

Safe people are those people you can rely on. They’re people who won’t use your weaknesses or failures against you. Rather, they’re happy, willing and able to help you through them by helping you figure out what to do next. They’re not quick to judge, criticize or tell you what you ought to do! 

A side component to this is to rid yourself of unsafe people. Surrounding yourself with safe people won’t help if you continue to linger around unsafe people. Jettison them. Get them out of your life completely. These people don’t help you. They’re harmful and destructive. They’ll weaken you if you let them. Don’t. 

Step 3: Listen and watch so you can understand reality.

These safe folks can help you look more closely in the mirror. In order to figure out where you need to go…you must first understand where you are. Facing reality is one of the hardest jobs for anybody. Especially the reality of our performance (that includes how we think, talk, behave and make decisions). When the boss tells us we need to grow or improve in a certain area we can resent them and the information or we can accept it and do our best to lean into helping ourselves get better. It doesn’t mean we have to agree with them fully. But it means we look for as much acceptance as possible by declaring ourselves responsible for the outcomes of our own life. We have to acknowledge that the viewpoint through our own eyes may differ from how others see us. Let’s leverage the viewpoints so we can more accurately see ourselves.

Step 4: Make up your own mind and figure it out.

Gather the insights from the safe people. Look inside yourself. Think deeply about who and what you are. Make your own conclusions. Figure out the very next step. Remember, this is your life and you’re responsible. Just because you’re listening and watching what others (who are safe) are telling you doesn’t mean you’re surrendering your life to them. For starters, they don’t want and will refuse that responsibility. They’ve got their own lives. Additionally, safe people who are capable of helping us will not impose or influence us toward anything that’s bad or harmful for us. By being safe they’re naturally most interested in helping us become better. Even so, it’s up to us to put in the work. 

Step 5: Take the first step then keep working to figure out “now what?”

I know we want to know every step of the process, but nobody ever does. So what if you don’t know step 2 or 27? You just need to know the very next step, step 1. Then repeat the process. So often we get stuck refusing to take the first step because we don’t know what step 4 is. Who cares? And besides, by the time we get there, whatever we thought step 4 would be is likely to be very different. There’s power in taking the first step and figuring it out from there. Life is all about taking actions and making adjustments. Commit yourself to become an expert at both.

Step 6: Keep it going. Don’t stop. Ever. No matter what.

Talk to any high performer and you’ll quickly see a person committed to lifelong learning and improvement. Join their ranks. 

Years ago Nike launched a Michael Jordan campaign, “Be like Mike.” Well, when it comes to your commitment to your own growth and improvement, then “be like Mike.”

Be well. Do good. Grow great!

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Being adaptive is innate in all of us. Human beings have power no other animal has – the ability to adapt quickly! Because of our brainpower, we can adjust and adapt fast! Faster than any creatures on the planet.

Humans have the ability to project and consider various outcomes. We’re able to think about what it might be like without ever having experienced it. As we think about it we’re able to feel things as though they’re real. It helps us figure things out. And pretty quickly.

Speed is relative. Up against Usain Bolt, I would prove the point. He’s a hare. I’m a tortoise. But up against my 97-year-old father with one bad knee, I’m a hare. One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor.

Science indicates our lives are largely 50/50 affairs with half of our being determined by genetics and the other half our ability to alter ourselves. But it’s not a binary thing where we can just blame our poor behavior on “that’s just how I am.” It speaks to our abilities and skills. Or about our capacity to learn and perform. Mostly, it speaks to our abilities to think our way to growth. Our thoughts provide a great opportunity to become more adaptive.

To what? To anything. To everything.

Becoming more adaptive is largely about our ability to figure it out – whatever it may be. And to go a step further by making whatever adjustments benefit us.

Being adaptive – and being more adaptive – is a worthwhile pursuit that every good leader embraces, but there’s a prerequisite, humility. Today, I’m going to call it something else though because I’ve learned this is a more descriptive term.

Surrender. 

Hear me out. I know we love to make war and sports metaphors, but not today. Today, we’re focused on our humanity. Our individual and collective ability to understand, learn, improve and grow. It’s hard work – work that has nothing to do with winning or losing as in you’re either doing one or the other. It’s about progress. A never-ending process.

We may become fully grown physically based on our height, but our growth is never complete until we die. There are things to learn. Things to improve. Deeper understanding to be had. Blind spots to be eliminated.

Surrender? Never, some may say.

To what?

This is where it gets dicey in today’s culture.

“Do more of what makes you happy.”

“Do what pleases you. Drive others crazy!”

Social media posts like these preach a false gospel of self-centeredness and selfishness. They make us think we’re the focal point of the universe. They make us think more highly of ourselves than is healthy for us.

It sounds beneficial, but it’s extremely destructive. For us as individual people and for all of us, as a collective.

If I behave in a way that suits only me, without due consideration for others, then how am I made better? Watch an untethered child who is unrestrained in any way and I’ll show you not only a miserable child but very miserable parents. And I’ll also be able to show you friends and family who are equally miserable in the presence of that child. Worse yet, the child isn’t being trained to learn better. Thinking unrestrained is freedom we’ve somehow lost our way that freedom is found in the wisdom of restraints that serve us.

Let’s consider a leader, Dean.

Dean is very capable. He’s well-educated, has tons of experience, and has a sharp mind.

But Dean is pompous, arrogant, and filled with hubris. He seeks no outside opinions. Listens only when he has to. And largely behaves – his track record shows it – with his mind already made up.

Dean’s leadership team knows they’re mostly ignored, except in presenting verifiable facts. But even then they’ll tell you, “I don’t think he trusts anything I ever tell him.” More quickly, they’ll confess that they rarely trust anything he tells them.

Dean has proven he lacks the willingness or capacity to surrender. He won’t surrender his predetermined opinions. He won’t surrender his space in a meeting to speak. He won’t surrender what he most wants. He won’t surrender any power or authority. Dean is a winner whose motto is, “Take no prisoners!” Dean sees human interaction as warfare. It’s a zero-sum game where he must win.

Like many other leaders – excuse me, BOSSES – Dean hasn’t learned the value of surrender.

He’s never felt the high value of submitting to the insights, experiences, knowledge or skill of others. He’s never considered that giving the room to somebody else can be the path toward more deeply understanding the problem. Or the proposed solutions. He’s certainly not experienced the great benefit of surrendering his pride to the reality that he’s got some very smart, capable people around him. Or that they’d jump at the opportunity to serve better if given the chance.

The result? Dean is boss. And that’s what matters most to him.

But he’s not a high performer. In spite of the fact that he thinks he is.

Jennette is also a boss. And a leader. She has 14 direct reports and leads an organization that’s about 3 times larger than Dean. Some would argue that the size of her team (and her organization) determines the differences in how she operates and how Dean operates, but that misses the point. Jennette is whip-smart and has vast experience in everything from finance to marketing to data analytics. I’m not comparing her achievements to Dean by means of putting Dean down. I simply want you to see the difference humility makes. It’s extraordinary!

Jennette assembles her leadership team together – all of them – once a week for a 90-minute meeting. She’s done that for as long as she can remember. Like a good chairperson, she simply keeps the meeting moving. “My primary goal is to listen and foster questions so everybody in the room understands,” she says. Interview her team and they’ll readily tell you how she refuses to taint the well with any opinions until people have been heard. One of the more remarkable comments made by her CFO makes the point, “You wouldn’t know she’s officially at the head of the table (he means, you wouldn’t know she’s the boss) because she’s part of the team. She’s never behaved as though she was above us or superior to us and separate from us. We’re all in this together.”

Press these executives about Jennette’s questions and you hear these comments.

“She’s not aiming to put us on the spot or back us in a corner. She’s genuinely trying to understand herself and very focused on making sure the rest of us do, too.”

“She asks great questions. I think she’s mostly interested in making sure we’re all – including her – seeing things as clearly as possible.”

“I think we’d all tell you that she’s made us better at digging and asking questions to really get down to the nitty-gritty of the issue.”

Jennette is very submissive to her curiosity and the quest for the best understanding possible. Her 14 direct reports will happily tell you they feel heard and supported. “She is my biggest ally and strongest resource,” said the company’s HR leader. “Do your peers feel the same way?” I ask. “No doubt,” she responds without a second’s hesitation. “She makes all of us feel like she’s here only to help us be as successful as possible.”

High-performance cultures are determined by what we do and how we do it. In spite of the fact that some people want to think that what we do doesn’t determine who we are – it does. It absolutely does.

A junior high student would be able to tell us which leader – Dean or Jennette – is the most adaptive. Predicting which leader has higher success, greater achievement, and a higher-performance culture — that’s not terribly challenging to figure out.

I know I’m a broken record about humility, but that’s only because it is so vital to all this. Without it, all hope is lost.

Next week I’m going to release a city government leadership episode featuring a conversation with Tommy Gonzales, the City Manager for El Paso, Texas. I hope you’ll tune in for that.

Be well. Do good. Grow great!